“Don’t be an idiot,” said Max. “Why would anyone bring a shotgun to a wedding? That’s just dumb.”
“Who are you calling dumb, fatso? They’re obviously bringing shotguns to make sure nobody crashes the wedding. Duh.”
“Crashes the wedding?” asked Dooley. “Is that even a thing?”
“Didn’t you see that movie last week? Wedding crashers? Two guys go around crashing weddings and having a blast,” said Brutus.
“Until they fall in love and get married themselves,” said Harriet. “I thought it was the most romantic thing ever. Though I didn’t like that they portrayed Bradley Cooper as such a nasty person. I like Bradley Cooper. He’s so handsome and cute.”
“He’s not that handsome,” said Brutus. “His mouth is too big for his face.”
“It is not. His mouth is just the right size.”
“The right size for what?” scoffed Brutus. “To load a Big Mac in one bite?”
“Listen, you guys,” said Odelia, interrupting this fascinating discussion of Bradley Cooper’s face. “For one thing, Chase and I are not getting married. And for another, I’m not pregnant so there won’t be a shotgun wedding.”
“That’s too bad,” said Harriet, her face falling. “I was looking forward to being a bridesmaid.”
“That’s impossible,” said Max. “Cats can’t be bridesmaids. That’s just preposterous.”
Harriet narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying, Max? That I wouldn’t make a wonderful bridesmaid? For your information, I would be the perfect bridesmaid. I don’t even have to wear a dress. I’m beautiful just the way I am.”
Odelia smiled. “That’s true. And if I ever get married, you guys will all get to come.”
Max groaned. “Do I have to? I hate weddings. Everybody is always crying. Those things are even worse than funerals.”
“People are crying because they’re happy, Max,” said Odelia. “Those are happy tears.”
“I don’t get it,” said the blorange cat. “Why cry when you’re happy? That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yes, it does,” said Harriet. “You wouldn’t understand, though, Max. And that’s because you’re a Neanderthal.”
“No, I’m not,” said Max. “I’m a cat, not a Neanderthal.”
“What’s a Neanderthal?” asked Dooley.
“It’s a kind of old human,” said Max. “With a lot of hair and a big mouth.”
“Like Bradley Cooper,” said Brutus.
“Bradley Cooper is not a Neanderthal!” Harriet snapped. “Bradley Cooper is gorgeous.”
“More gorgeous than me?” asked Brutus, stung.
Harriet’s face softened. “Of course not, cutie pie. Nobody can be more gorgeous than you.”
“Maybe you should have one of those shotgun weddings,” Max grumbled. “So I can bring a shotgun and shoot myself.”
“We’re here,” said Odelia cheerfully, cutting off all this nonsense about a shotgun wedding. She just hoped those rumors hadn’t reached her mother’s ears. Nobody likes to hear about their daughter’s supposed pregnancy and forced wedding because of gossip. Then again, maybe it was a good thing. If people thought she and Chase were about to get married, she should probably take it as a compliment. Though the town’s gossip mill was obviously getting a little ahead of itself this time around.
True, there had been a lot of kissing lately, but things hadn’t progressed beyond that. Yet. Did she want them to go beyond that stage? Maybe. Did Chase want to? She had absolutely no idea. Chase was one of those strong, silent types. The ones that don’t wear their hearts on their sleeves. Beyond those kisses they had yet to address whatever it was that was going on between them. Heck, he hadn’t even asked her out. Maybe he never would? Maybe those kisses were just a way of showing his appreciation for all she’d done for the community? Maybe it was an NYPD thing: instead of shaking hands, NYPD cops simply kissed their colleagues. It was definitely not something she’d ever seen on NYPD Blue. Then again, they never showed everything on those shows.
She parked right behind her uncle’s squad car and got out, allowing the four cats to jump from their respective seats.
“Let’s go, guys,” she said. “You know the drill. Talk to witnesses. Try to find out what happened here.”
She watched the cats traipse up to the house and smiled. Her own personal feline detective squad. She wouldn’t know what to do without them.
She watched her uncle take off his sunglasses and take in their surroundings. Donna Bruce had done well for herself, that much was obvious. The house was built in hacienda style, with a low red-tile roof and stuccoed orange outer walls.
“Nice place,” said Uncle Alec admiringly. “Though more like something one would expect in the Hollywood Hills than out here in Hampton Cove.”
“Isn’t Donna originally from Los Angeles?”
“She is. She only moved out here to put some distance between herself and her ex-husband. And because her company is headquartered in New York.”
“This is such a coincidence,” Odelia said as she watched the police activity around the house. Half a dozen squad cars were haphazardly parked on the circular driveway, and an ambulance stood, lights flashing, indicating the coroner was already there.
“What is?” asked her uncle, hoisting his pants over his bulk and patting down his few strands of hair.
“Just this morning a package arrived from donna.vip for your mother.”
Chief Alec closed his eyes. “God, not again. I thought Marge put a stop to that nonsense.”
“What nonsense?”
“Didn’t she tell you? Your grandmother has been ordering those packages for weeks now. She’s addicted to that Donna crap. And the worst part? Your mom has been footing the bill as Vesta doesn’t have a credit card. Marge told me she’s up to five grand now.”
Odelia’s jaw dropped. “Five grand!”
“Yeah, for a bunch of useless stuff. According to Marge she even bought one of those steamers for her, um, well, you know what.”
Odelia frowned. “A vegetable steamer?”
Uncle Alec suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Not exactly. She uses it on her… business.”
“Her business?”
He heaved an exasperated groan. “Her lady parts, all right?”
Odelia smiled. “She bought a vaginal steamer?” Uncle Alec grumbled something under his breath as he stalked off. She hurried to keep up with him. “No wonder Mom is mad. That stuff must cost a fortune.”
“And it’s not as if she needs it,” said her uncle. “I mean, she’s seventy-five, for crying out loud. What does she need a vaginal steamer for?”
“Well, she does have a very active sex life.”
Uncle Alec winced. He directed a pleading look at his niece. “Please, Odelia. I don’t need to hear all that.”
Which was probably why Mom had allowed this buying frenzy to go on as long as it had. Nobody wanted to sit down with Gran and have a serious conversation about her sex life. It wasn’t a topic one simply launched into.
“I’ll talk to Gran,” she promised. “Tell her to ease up on the spending.”
“You do that,” her uncle grumbled.
They walked into the house and Odelia admired her surroundings. Donna Bruce had taste, that much was obvious. The foyer had a homey feel, with its hardwood floors, soft pink wallpaper and white lacquered furniture. And as they progressed into the living room and then the kitchen, she had to admit she wouldn’t mind living in a place like this. Selling jade eggs and vaginal steamers had obviously been very lucrative for the founder of donna.vip.
They reached the spa area, where a small indoor pool awaited them, along with the sauna cabin where Donna’s housekeeper had found the body of her employer that morning.
“You better prepare yourself for a shock,” said Uncle Alec. “It’s not a pretty sight.”
She braced herself and stepped into the sauna. Donna Bruce was lying on the floor, partly covered by a towel, her face swollen beyond recognition. Every part of her body that was visible had suffered the same fate. The woman had literally been stung to death.