I awoke when Dooley joined me. It was still dark out, so dawn hadn’t yet arrived. My friend, a smallish gray ragamuffin, looked a little frazzled, and when I asked him about it, he said, “She kicked me! Odelia kicked me off the bed, Max. Can you imagine?”
I said I could imagine. In fact I could do more than that. I could commiserate, and so I did, to my heart’s content. “I think it’s this upcoming wedding,” I said with a yawn.
“The wedding?” said Dooley, glancing back to the staircase where presumably he expected Odelia to come rushing down after him. Belying her nocturnal exercise regimen, though, Odelia was fast asleep, and so was her future husband.
“The wedding of Odelia and Chase?”
“Oh, that wedding,” he said, as if multiple weddings were about to take place. He was, of course, still flabbergasted by recent happenings, nor could I blame him. My friend shook his head. “Why would a wedding make her kick me off the bed, Max? I don’t get it.”
“I think the whole wedding thing is making her extremely nervous,” I explained, “and so she’s been having a tough time getting her regular eight hours in.”
“But why? Isn’t a wedding supposed to be fun? Joy and laughter and all that stuff?”
“It is, but it’s also a huge undertaking. A lot of arrangements have to be made. We’re not talking about a modest affair here, Dooley. This wedding is the mother of all weddings. A monster matrimony future generations will talk about in hushed tones.”
If you think I’m exaggerating, I can assure you that I am not. Odelia and Chase had set out to organize a smallish affair, just a couple of friends and family, but gradually the thing had blown up to epic proportions, and the guest list now included the entire population of Hampton Cove—or so it seemed. You know how it is. You invite an uncle, but then you also have to invite his wife and all of your cousins. You invite a friend, and she decides to put all of her friends on the list, lest they feel slighted and she gets lonely. And you can’t invite just one colleague—you have to invite them all, kids and partners included. And since Odelia and her family are pretty much fixtures in Hampton Cove, they probably know everybody who’s somebody and a whole bunch of nobodies, too.
Dooley placed his head on his front paws, still keeping an eye on that staircase, just in case Odelia came stomping down to mete out some more kicks to an unsuspecting pair of felines. “I wish this wedding was over already, Max. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun, but if it makes Odelia kick us off the bed, I don’t mind telling you that I just wish it was all over with already.”
“That’s all right, Dooley,” I said. “I’m sure Odelia will relax once the fateful day is finally upon us and she’s standing in front of her future husband and saying, ‘I do.’”
“Do you think we’ll be invited, too?” asked my friend.
“Oh, sure. What kind of wedding would it be if we weren’t? I’m sure she’ll give us the best seats in the house.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” suddenly a voice sounded from the kitchen. It was Harriet, and she was licking her mustache, a clear sign she’d just eaten her fill. I hadn’t even heard her enter, but then that’s cats for you: they tread ever so lightly on feet of fur.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Surely Odelia wants us to be there on her big day.”
“Look, personally I wouldn’t mind being invited,” said the white Persian as she trotted up and joined us on the couch. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t, either, but just suppose she does invite us, it’s going to be a nightmare, you guys.”
“A nightmare?” said Dooley, darting another quick look at the staircase. “You mean, like what Odelia’s been having for the last couple of nights?”
“Exactly. I was talking to Shanille last night and she said it’s going to be one of those occasions best avoided. Can you imagine all of Hampton Cove crowding into that church and creating a big pileup? There’s going to be trampling, there’s going to be stomping, and gnashing of impatient teeth while they all fight to file in. And whose tails do you think are going to be crushed and mangled?” To show us she meant what she said, she carefully folded her tail around her buttocks and gave us a meaningful look.
Both Dooley and I winced at the word picture she was painting. Our tails may look like useless appendages merely added to increase our cuteness factor times ten, but they are sensitive and dislike being indiscriminately trampled on by big and clumsy feet. It was a potential disaster that gave me pause. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate humans as much as the next cat, but they do have a tendency not to look where they step, especially when fighting for a good spot—like at Macy’s when they organize an end-of-season sale.
Or Odelia’s upcoming wedding.
“So you think we better steer clear,” I said, nodding in full comprehension and agreement. I had entertained the same thought myself, to be honest. Wherever hundreds of humans get together, it’s best for cats to go into hiding, as it can only lead to trouble.
“And the other thing—I didn’t want to bring this up, as I don’t want to heap more pressure onto Odelia—but you guys, we haven’t even been invited yet! So I think it’s safe to say we’re not going to.”
“Not going to what?” asked Brutus, the fourth member of our fearsome foursome as he walked in through the kitchen pet flap.
“Harriet just said we’re not going to be invited to the wedding,” said Dooley. “And how that’s probably a good thing?”
“Oh, right,” said Brutus, who’s a big, butch black cat and also Harriet’s mate. “Can’t say I’m surprised,” he said as he inspected his food bowl and then hunkered down to gobble up a few random nuggets.
“Why do you say that?” I asked. “I thought we were definitely going to be included in the festivities. We are Odelia’s pets, so why wouldn’t she invite us to share the most beautiful day of her life?”
“About that,” said Dooley. “Why does everyone keep saying that, Max?”
“Saying what?”
“The most beautiful day in Odelia’s life? I thought the most beautiful day in her life was the day she was born. If she hadn’t been born, she wouldn’t even be here, right?”
“It’s just something people say,” I explained. “It means that Odelia finally gets to tie the knot with the person she loves the most in all the world.”
“But… doesn’t Odelia love her mom and dad the most in all the world?” asked Dooley, still in the habit of asking those tough questions, like he usually does.
“Well, yes,” I admitted. “But, once again, it’s just something people say.”
“But why do they say things that aren’t true? Isn’t that the same thing as lying?”
“Look, Dooley, it doesn’t matter,” said Harriet, clearly tiring of Dooley’s interruptions. “We’re not invited, so it doesn’t matter if it’s the most beautiful day of her life, or the second-most beautiful or whatever. We’re not a part of it, see? We don’t feature into the thing at. At all.”
Dooley blinked. “But surely—”
“Surely we should consider this a lucky escape. And that’s all there is to it. Now why are you guys sleeping on the couch and not upstairs on the bed where you belong?”
Dooley made a face. “Odelia kicked us off. First she kicked Max in the tush, and then when I took his place she kicked me off as well. Also in the tush. My tush, not Max’s.”
“She did what?” said Harriet, clearly shocked at this egregious example of gross misconduct on the part of one who’d always professed to be an animal person.
“She didn’t mean to kick us off,” I hastened to say. “She was having a bad dream and inadvertently happened to lash out with her feet. Both feet, I should probably add.”