“I didn’t say it was his fault.”
“You said he chose it. He called up somebody and had an accident delivered.”
“Why do you think he just happened to be there?”
“Because he was coming home, wasn’t he? He was on his way home.”
“So it was just bad luck, huh?”
“I guess.”
“Coincidence.”
“Right.”
“Well, you can believe in luck and coincidence, Sport, or you can believe that they don’t put pepperoni on your pizza unless you order it that way.”
“So Dad had this desire to get killed in a car wreck and—”
“Well, to die.”
“And it went into some computer up in the sky, and they dispatched a drunk driver to do the job.”
“Well, something put them in the same place at the same time.”
He was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Why did Dad want to die?”
“I don’t know.”
“You blame him for dying, huh?”
“Not anymore.”
“You used to?”
“Oh, God, yes. How could he do that to me? To us? Leaving us all alone like that, the son of a bitch. Survivors are usually angry with loved ones who die, unless they’re too occupied with feeling guilty for having survived. Or unless they just stuff the feelings and aren’t aware of them.”
“I can’t remember how I felt. It was a long time ago.”
“I know.”
“Sometimes I think I can remember, but it’s like unrolling the toilet paper. I remember that it happened, but I don’t really remember. Are you going to have the last piece of pizza?”
“Take it.”
“Are you sure? I already had three.”
“Take it.”
“Thanks. Can I ask you something? If Dad chose to be in a car wreck, aren’t you choosing to uh—”
“Go blind.”
“It’s hard to say the word.”
“It’ll get easier. Yes, of course I’m choosing it, but I don’t think it’s because there’s something I don’t want to see. I think there’s something I do want to see.”
“I don’t get it.”
She closed her eyes. “I think,” she said, “that I’m going to be able to see far more with my eyes closed than I was ever able to see with them open. Thom, ever since I started to have trouble with my eyes, I’ve been getting glimpses of things.”
“What kind of things?”
“It’s hard to explain. At first it would happen at night when I went to bed.”
“Like dreams?”
“No, not like dreams, because it would happen while I was awake. I would close my eyes and I would start to get pictures. Almost like watching a movie, except that when I tried to focus in on an image I would lose it.”
“I get things sometimes. Like if I stare at a light and then close my eyes, and you get these colors, and they sort of change color and finally fade away.”
“This is a little different.”
“What kind of things do you see?”
“All kinds. Scenery. People’s faces. Sometimes they’ll be having a conversation.”
“Do you hear what they’re saying?”
“I know what they’re saying. Some of the time, anyway. It’s very flickery, it’s like a film that keeps cutting from one image to another. Or sometimes it’s just one picture that flashes on the screen, and it’s there for a while and then it vanishes and nothing else comes on.”
“They turn the lights on and the show’s over.”
“Something like that. A lot of the time I see people walking down a highway.”
“Where are they going?”
“I don’t know yet,” she said. “I’m starting to know.”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll tell you what I thinks happening. I think that as I lose my eyesight, this other kind of sight is expanding. It doesn’t just happen late at night now. It can happen any time I close my eyes. It doesn’t always, but it seems to be happening more and more.” She heaved a sigh. “I think it’s a gift, Thom.”
“A gift.”
“I think so.”
“And you chose it.”
“It was offered to me, and I chose to receive it.”
“You picked out your own present. Mom? What do you figure it is that you see? The future?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Like having a crystal ball in your head. Hey, can you see how I’m going to do on my science final?”
“When is it?”
“I think a week from Wednesday.”
“Well, that’s easy, then,” she said.
“Are you serious? You really know how I’m going to do on a test I haven’t even taken yet?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well?”
“You’re not going to take the test, Champ.”
“I’m not?”
“Nope.”
“Why? Am I gonna be sick? Am I gonna choose to have a cold that day?”
She shook her head. “You’re going to choose to be elsewhere.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I think we’ll be out of here by then, Thommy.”
“Out of here?”
“Gone. Out of Fort Wayne.”
“We’re moving?”
“’Fraid so.”
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Do you know when?”
“Soon. Before your science final.”
“We’re just gonna pick up and go? Just like that? Are we going to take the car? We can’t take the car, you can’t drive. What are we—”
She held up a hand. “Stop. No more questions. I don’t have any more answers just now. Okay?”
“But—”
“‘More will be revealed.’ Okay?”
At breakfast the next morning she said, “I want you to stay home from school today, sport. I’m going to need you to help me.”
“Gee, it’s the week before finals. Oh. I won’t be taking finals, will I? Or is it just the science exam I’m gonna miss?”
“You won’t be taking any of your finals. In fact, it’s possible you won’t be going back to school at all this year.”
“Really?”
“Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?” She took a bite of toast, a sip of tea. “At nine-fifteen I want to call the office and tell Rysbeck I’m not coming in. I hope they can issue a check right away. I’ve got sick leave and vacation time coming.”
“Are you quitting your job?”
“That’s right. Then we’re going to have to do something about the car. It’s not paid off, but I think it’s worth more than we owe on it. I’ll call Angert Motors and find out what I can do.”
“You’re selling the car?”
“Well, I can’t see to drive it, Thom, and you can’t drive for three more years yet, so I don’t see what good it is to us. I suppose we could knock the windows out and use it as a huge outdoor planter, but aside from that—”
“Mom.”
“What?”
“I’m a little worried.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For admitting it.”
“The thing is, I’m scared.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, don’t you think this is a little crazy? I mean, you’re going blind, like, and I don’t know how we’ll even be able to do anything if you can’t see. I mean, how will we get places if you can’t drive? How will you work, how will we have any money, how will you even fix dinner, I mean—”
“Take a breath.”
“It just seems so crazy! Like you want me to leave school now and miss finals. Two more weeks and school’s over, it’s vacation, so why can’t we wait until then? Doesn’t that make more sense?”
“I’m sure it does.”