Geary nodded. “I don’t deny that. You’ve given me your opinion. Thank you. There are a lot of other factors for me to consider.”
“Such as?”
He stared at her, startled by the abrupt question. “I’m still… formulating them in my own mind.”
“Perhaps I can help.”
A wall of resistance rose in Geary, though he didn’t understand why. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not ready to discuss options yet. There are advantages and disadvantages to all possible star systems we can reach from here.”
“Captain Geary, it’s not like you to avoid making a decision.”
His frown returned, deeper this time. “I’m not avoiding making a decision, and this conversation isn’t helping things. Is there anything else?” he repeated.
“What about the Alliance prisoners of war at Heradao?” Desjani asked, her tone getting more clipped.
“For one thing,” Geary replied, getting aggravated himself, “we don’t know that they’re still at Heradao. The Syndic records we’ve acquired are all old. That POW camp might have been relocated a long time ago. For another thing, the Syndics will know that the presence of Alliance POWs in the system will increase the chance that this fleet will go there, and that means they could be laying a trap in Heradao right now.”
Desjani stood silently, her breathing unusually controlled, then finally spoke. “How would the Syndics know that we knew a POW camp was at Heradao? They don’t know what Syndic records we’ve picked up.”
That was a legitimate question, but for some reason it made Geary even more irritated. “You know full well that I’m willing to take reasonable risks to rescue Alliance POWs.”
“Yes, sir.”
No matter the literal meaning of the words, Geary had learned that a simple yes, sir from Desjani meant that she was unhappy, that she was disagreeing with something. “I’m not at all certain that the advantages of going to Heradao outweigh the risks,” Geary added, growing aggravation giving extra warmth to his words.
“Sir, I must respectfully point out that there are risks no matter where we go, and the longer we linger here, the worse those risks will become.”
Geary heard her tone and felt his jaw tighten. “And I must respectfully point out that I, not you, have responsibility for the survival of this fleet.”
“I’ll try to keep that in mind, sir,” Desjani stated crisply.
Geary glowered at her. “You know, that sort of attitude and this conversation aren’t exactly making my life easier.”
She turned slightly to face Geary and glowered right back. “Not to be too blunt about it, but at the moment the question of how easy your life happens to be is rather far down the list of priorities. That’s true of a ship’s commanding officer, and it’s even more true of the fleet commander. I repeat that I have a duty to give the best advice I can to the commander of this fleet, and I will damned well do so even if he chooses to disregard it.”
“Fine.” Geary made a sharp wave at the star display. “What’s your advice?”
“I told you. Go to Heradao.”
“And I told you that I’ve already considered that.”
She waited for him to continue, then shook her head. “You’re afraid. I’ve seen it growing since Lakota and Cavalos.”
Geary stared at Desjani, shocked to hear those words from her. “Is that advice supposed to be helping me? Why are you talking like Numos or Faresa?”
Desjani’s face reddened alarmingly. “Don’t you dare compare me to those individuals! Sir. ”
Geary tamped down his own temper and swallowed a biting response. She had a right to be upset. He never should have even implied Desjani was like those two officers. She wasn’t political, she’d never questioned his status as commander of the fleet, and she was a fine commanding officer of her ship. All of which made her totally different from under-arrest Captain Numos and now-dead Captain Faresa. “My apologies,” Geary said in a stiffly proper voice. “Why did you accuse me of being afraid?”
“I didn’t accuse you.” Desjani made a visible effort to control her own anger. “I’m not trying to establish which of us was conceived with the bigger gonads. But in talking with you and observing you, I have seen subtle changes, which have increased since Cavalos.” She nodded abruptly toward the star display.
“Ever since assuming command of this fleet, you’ve used a mix of cautious and bold actions to keep the enemy off-balance and win victories. I think you depend on your instincts for when to proceed boldly or cautiously, because neither I nor anyone else has been able to identify a pattern. But I can see a pattern now in you, and it tells me that you’re afraid.”
If anyone but Desjani were telling him this… If Rione were saying it, or one of his known opponents in the fleet… But it was Desjani. He’d had no firmer ally than her, no more reliable and capable supporter since assuming command of the fleet. She believed in him, originally because Desjani was one of those who thought the living stars themselves had sent him back to save the fleet and the Alliance, but now also because of what she said she’d seen in him. If he didn’t listen to Desjani, he’d be a fool. Geary took a couple of calming breaths. “What pattern?”
She seemed to have calmed as well, speaking determinedly but without heat. “I’ve tried to see things through your eyes as the fleet commander. In the Syndic home star system and afterward, the odds of this fleet getting home seemed very small. Risks were easier to take because every possible course of action held serious threats. Caution often didn’t make sense because boldness was necessary, and the obvious result of too much caution would have been the destruction of the fleet. But we’re close to home now.” She pointed at the representation of Dilawa, then swung her hand to indicate Alliance space. “So close. And now risks seem more dangerous, because we’ve made it this far, against all odds, and you’re looking at that and the small distance left to Alliance space and thinking how awful it would be to get the fleet this close and have it destroyed now because you made a serious error.”
“I have made serious errors,” Geary stated heavily. “Such as taking this fleet to Lakota—”
“Which was a calculated risk, and in the end it worked! And taking us to Cavalos was a risk because we might encounter the Syndics there, and we did meet them, and we beat them.” Desjani clenched one fist and kept her eyes fixed on his. “The losses we took at Lakota and Cavalos were the worst since you assumed command. That wasn’t your fault. Any other commander I know of would have lost a lot more ships in those battles, and would have lost the battles for that matter. Those losses weren’t in vain. We’ve hurt the Syndics badly, and we’re close to home.”
The words finally came out from deep inside him. “The ships we lost at Lakota and Cavalos won’t reach home, and neither will most of their crews.”
“They died so their comrades would make it! Don’t negate their sacrifices by becoming so fearful of more losses that you end up losing all! The time for risks is not past. I can understand how you fear failing now, after bringing the fleet this far, but we are still in enemy territory, and excess caution carries a great danger in itself. You can’t win unless you try to win, but you can lose by trying not to lose.”
She had a point. Had fear of failure after succeeding this far caused him to shy away from the sorts of risks he knew had to be taken to win, to survive? Geary gazed at the star display, trying to sort out his feelings and his thinking. “Do I follow my instincts or not?” he finally said, as much to himself as to Desjani.