It has to be from Jilly or Pace. It is the only logical conclusion since they were with Ellen. One of them could have slipped it into my meal while the other distracted her.
Whoever it was that sent it wanted to allay some of my fears, and for that I am extremely grateful. Still, I wish I knew exactly who it was. It would make my next steps so much easier.
Once I figure out what they are.
6
The thought that I am worse off now than I ever was before crosses my mind several times. I alternate between agonizing over what happened in the stairwell with Pace and Jilly and chastising myself because I did not realize Ellen was Pace’s mother. Combine that with the uncertainty I have over the note and my worry over Levi all alone in his cell, and I chase myself full circle throughout the long and slow hours of the afternoon and evening. For the first time since my imprisonment Ellen does not arrive to collect my tray after my evening meal, and my mind starts on the many possibilities of why this occurred, the foremost being that it has something to do with the note on my tray.
Does this mean Pace and Jilly are in trouble? Their casual ways in the stairwell make me think no. Still, my mind and my heart are troubled and sleep eludes me. I finally fall asleep and wake up the next morning to find Ellen staring down at me.
“Get dressed, your father is taking you out.”
“Out where?”
“You’ll find out when you get there.”
I am tired of her hostility, especially now that I know who she is. I see no sense in it. She should be grateful to me. I saved Pace’s life. If not for me he would have been killed with his friend Tom. I fling back the blankets and stalk from my bed, not caring that she will see me in the well-worn muslin gown that I sleep in. Something else left behind by one of my father’s women. The fabric is so old that it is nearly transparent, but it is serviceable and so I make use of it.
“Where is Pace?” I ask.
Her blue eyes flare and then narrow as she stares at me. Her look is so full of hatred that I am tempted to cross my arms over my breasts as if that will offer some protection. Luckily she turns away and I put on a robe that is not much better than the gown. Still, I feel somewhat less exposed as I tie it around my waist.
“I should have known Findley would not keep his mouth shut,” Ellen says. “He enjoys the game too much.” She turns to look at me once more. “Where Pace is is no longer your business, Miss. He’s gotten his life back, no thanks to you and yours.” She crosses her arms and smiles but there is no heart and soul in it, just deadly intent. “He’s to be married. To Miss Jillian Pembrooke.”
I know she wants to see me suffer as she must have suffered when Pace was missing. She wants to see me crumble, to see me humbled and destroyed. How could someone so wonderful, so sweet, so caring, and so full of humor come from someone like this, who is full of hatred?
Things are not always what they seem … Indeed they are not. But which of us has been fooled, me or Ellen? Her words scorch my heart in the same manner that the sun burned my eyes and skin, but I cannot show it. I must not show it.
Even though I feel as if my heart is shattered in two, I speak from it, with honesty. “I only want Pace to be happy,” I say.
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Ellen rounds on me. “Putting him in danger. Making him a suspect in your radical plans. Taking him away from his mother and making me a suspect too!”
I cannot do this now. I need time to think, time to absorb what she’s told me about Pace and Jilly. I refuse to believe it, yet my mind fills with doubt. After all the time I’ve had alone, I suddenly want to be alone again, more than anything, so I can figure things out. Yet I cannot let Ellen’s words go unchallenged.
“Don’t you know I saved his life?” I say. Surely Pace told her what happened and why he went below. It was the only place he could hide. “If not for me, he would have died that morning with Tom.” Would he? Or was it all just a lie he told me to gain my trust?
“You didn’t save his life,” Ellen sputters. “Miss Pembrooke did.” Before I can figure out what that statement means she goes on. “You are the one who put him in that situation in the first place. All of it is your fault. If it were up to me you’d be burned on the dais for all to see. You should be executed immediately for what you’ve done. You are a traitor to your people.”
“I would look closer to home for a traitor to your people.” Our voices have risen during our argument. “The people of the dome have been lied to for years. What more do you need to see before you realize that our only hope for survival is outside? The proof is right before you, all you need to do is look up. Or are you just like the royals you serve, blinded to the truth?”
Never in my life would I have dared to speak to anyone this way, especially someone who is older than me and of a caste that I have always been told is better than mine. Perhaps I did not realize how much I had changed until now. Or maybe it took Ellen’s outright hatred and lies to awaken the angry beast that dwells in all of us.
When James told lies about me and accused me of things I did not do, I kept my mouth shut. I can see the wisdom of that in hindsight. I should have done the same this day, but it is too late to take back the words now. I will not be ashamed of them, as I am certain I could not make Ellen hate me any more than she already does.
Ellen’s face turns red with rage and she comes close with her index finger outstretched, ready to use it as a weapon as she waves it under my nose. “You are beneath contempt,” she begins and is interrupted by a sharp rap on the door as Findley comes in, without waiting for an answer.
“The Master General Enforcer is waiting,” he says. He arches an eyebrow at me, in that way that has become familiar, and a slight mocking grin flashes over his features as he looks at me.
I quickly realize my state of dress does little to hide my body. Ellen clamps her mouth shut, and I dash to the water closet and slam the door behind me. I turn on the water and splash it on my face, letting the coolness of it take away the burn of my anger and embarrassment. How can Ellen hate me so much? Surely Pace told her how he felt about me.
Or did he? After he saw me kiss Levi, Pace may consider our relationship to be over, which could explain his hasty engagement to Jilly. But there has to be more to it than this. I refuse to believe that he was lying to me all along. I know he spoke from the heart. There are so many things left unsaid between us after he saw Levi kissing me. I have been so confused about so many things and so much has happened, yet the past few weeks, when all I’ve had time to do is think about how I feel about Pace and Levi, haven’t brought me any closer to solving that problem. Perhaps fate is seeking to solve it for me.
So why don’t I feel at peace? Why do I know, even without Pace telling me, that things are not always what they seem?
My father has skewed Ellen’s thoughts to suit his needs. That is the only explanation for her hatred. As a mother, she is desperate to save her son, and she will do anything she can to keep him safe, thus her treatment of me. I will treat her with patience and kindness from here on out, so she will see that with me, things are not always what they seem.
I realize that the weeks of my imprisonment have served a purpose. It has helped me to learn something about my adversary. My father likes to manipulate people. He likens himself to a god, and the dome is his world. Why else would he refer to himself as the Master General Enforcer? How many titles does one man need to suit his ego? How many more people have to die to serve his purpose?
Beyond the door, I hear Ellen and Findley. Her voice is still shrill and angry and Findley’s nothing more than a low rumble. A door slams, and I realize Ellen is gone and Findley still waits for me. As my father does.