What have I done? Especially to Levi, who of everyone is innocent in all this. He got caught up in our battles, and now he will likely lose his life because I know he will fight with everything he has against being a slave. If not for me and my misguided dreams that life outside would be better, he would be sailing across the sky and exploring the world, far, far away from my petty problems.
I’ve ruined lives. It was never my intent. I wanted to make life better for everyone. Instead I’ve killed everyone and everything I love.
I am ashamed to go back and face everyone. But like everything else in my life, I no longer have a choice. Still, it is hard to make my bruised and battered body cooperate, and I stagger and stumble until Ragnor is forced to take my arm just to hold me upright. There is one thing I can do for Levi. I can hopefully find some news about the Quest.
“What is the airboat?” I ask, hoping that this, at least, will not make Ragnor mad. “I don’t understand why Wulf thought we were at war with someone else.”
“Ah-big boat that ah-floated in the sky. It came ah-with livestock and weapons to settle,” Ragnor explains. “We ah-passed where they were. The ah-shelf on the ah-rock.” I know he is talking about the catwalk.
“If they come to settle what happened to them?”
“We ah-beat them in battle,” Janna says. “We ah-scared them off.”
“You killed them?” I asked. “What did you do with the airboat?”
Janna shrugs. “It was ah-gone. Since the ah-full moon.”
“This is our ah-land,” Ragnor says. “We ah-do not mean to ah-share.”
The moon was full when we last saw Lyon and the rest. Dr. Stewart had told us of the cycles and what to expect. If what Janna says is true, then they had to have left shortly after we went into the dome. But why? How could they give up on us so easily? And did they take everyone with them? What about Ghost and the rest of the ponies? I’ve seen no sign of them here. They certainly could have some of our goats. The thought that Ghost could have wound up eaten does not escape me. Nor does the thought that there was another battle and a lot of people could have died. But surely we would have seen some sign of it. When we walked through the area where our camp was, we could see where the grass was cut back, but even that was nearly grown over again. It is as if they never existed. If not for Levi, I would think that they hadn’t.
We reach the hut. There are two guards by the door, and I see four more close by, all with guns. Torches are set around it so that there is no shelter of darkness for us to escape under. All we have is a knife and two people who definitely would not survive if we made a run for it. I know Pace will not leave his mother, and I refuse to leave Jilly, yet with them we are handicapped.
I have no idea what to do or what to say. Levi was wrong about me. I do not think or act the way a leader should. All I have done is lead my friends to their deaths. But at least with death the suffering would mercifully be over. Death will be preferable to this future that looms before us.
17
I knew Pace and Levi would be waiting for my return. I wish they weren’t. I wish they were asleep so I could slip inside and curl up in a corner and go to sleep and pretend like tomorrow would never come. Mercifully, everyone else is asleep. Colm and Tobias stretched out on their backs and Ellen and Jilly curled together, on a blanket and under one. After what just happened to me with Wulf I really do not want their attention. Especially since I know the memory of their care will soon be replaced by something more horrible.
But I can’t hurt them. I’ve hurt them enough. Both of them.
As soon as I enter the hut Pace takes me into his arms for a bone-crushing hug that makes me grunt in pain. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I just didn’t think you would be back.”
All I can do is nod. My emotions are such a jumble, and my mind still does not want to accept the fact that I barely escaped being brutally raped, again. Meanwhile I have the realization that my reprieve will be over soon. “I’ve got to get out of here,” I say and realize that I am babbling. But I can’t help it. I cover my mouth with my fingers to keep anything else that sounds crazy from slipping out.
“What did he do to you?” Pace demands. He has his hands on my upper arms and he is just short of shaking me.
I have reached the point where I have had enough. I shrink away, pulling myself free of Pace’s touch and go to a corner of the hut, as far away from everyone else as I can get. I sink to the ground, put my hands to my head, and drop my head to my knees, wishing with all my might that I could remain unseen and unnoticed. That everyone would just leave me alone. Funny, was it just a few days ago that I was so lonely in my room and consumed with worry for everyone?
Even though I have shut my eyes to block them out I can still hear Pace and Levi talking quietly. I can’t make out the words, and I don’t want to. I know they are talking about me. I keep my head down and try to think of something, anything, other than where I am and what is going to happen. I concentrate on my bed in the cavern, on the weight of a cat on my legs, on the way the water sounded as it went on its course, and on the steady creak of the waterwheel.
Someone touches my hand. Levi. I recognize the rough feel of his fingertips. He does nothing more than squeeze my fingers, and I regretfully open my eyes to find him crouched down in front of me.
“Wren,” he asks quietly. “We have to know. Did he touch you? Did he hurt you?”
I look up and see Pace standing away and to the side. He is trying not to crowd me, but the anguish is there on his face, waiting for my answer, as if this is the determining factor in our moving forward. He doesn’t understand yet that there will be no moving forward, that this is the last best moment we will ever have. That this will be the last night we will remember, when we were sort of free. That we dared much and accomplished nothing except for long years ahead of us full of regret. Or death, which would be much more preferable to me.
“Tonight or tomorrow, what does it matter?” I say.
“Wren.” Levi moves his thumb over my cheek. To wipe a tear I didn’t even know was there, I realize, still I wince when he touches the place where I was burned from the proximity of the poker. I did not even know I was hurt, so great was my fear. “We are concerned for you,” Levi says.
“I am concerned for all of us,” I reply. I shake my head. “Don’t you realize it is over for all of us? That tomorrow we will be auctioned off to the highest bidder? We are to be their slaves. All of us.” I try to keep my voice down, but fear makes it rise. Ellen stirs, and I realize what I’ve done. I don’t want to frighten them any more than they are. I want them to have this one last night of peace, if it is possible for them to feel it. Pace lays a hand on her arm and offers her a word of comfort to settle her.
“You can’t give up,” Levi says. “We are not sold yet. The night is still young. There is hope.”
“Lyon is gone,” I say. “Who is going to save us?”
“How do you know he’s gone?”
“Ragnor told me. They’ve been gone since right after we went into the dome.”
“He’s not gone,” Levi says.
“Then where is he? Why didn’t he rescue us? Where is the Quest? Where are our friends?”
“Did you see any sign of them?” Pace asks. “Anything from the ship?”
“No. I was looking. There was nothing there. The things he had were old and well used. Rugs, a sofa, a bed. But nothing from the Quest.”