Actually, I was not really joking when I said that since we are so chio, why must we plan so hard? For starters, we were all quite skinny—Imo was the smallest of us, short short cute cute one. Got dimple on one side of her face so at least she looked half like the cute Japanese teenagers in those Kao Biore face soap advertisements. (But without that one big side tooth jutting out—my god. Those dentists in Japan, I also don’t know how they spend their time, man. Why are their girls’ teeth all so terok?) Imo’s skin was also very fair—so fair that she definitely didn’t need to buy SK-II whitening cream. Lucky girl. Also, right after school she worked at Robinson’s at the Shiseido counter for a while, so that girl really knows how to put makeup on and all. Her eyes are always nicely outlined so they look round round, big big one, like those Japanese anime girls that guys always want to pok. And since she now works at Club 21 boutique, she gets a 40 percent discount on everything they sell, so her clothing and handbags always quite designer, quite fashion one.
Fann, to be honest, is not so cute. Her nose is a bit big, her eyes only have a double eyelid on one side, so no matter how much she tries to put on eye makeup nicely, her face always ends up looking a bit crooked. And some more, even though since secondary school, she’s always carried around a packet of powdered blotting paper wherever she goes, her skin is always oily! My god, when it’s hot, like June or July type, her face—it’s a bloody blooming garden! Everywhere also got pimples opening flower. But still, she’s a very nice girl lah. And her job is quite serious—she opened a pet store with her uncle and all—so guys usually know she’s not after them for money or something funny. I think she gets extra points for that. Also, her backside is quite round and sexy, so confirm guys will always try to rubba her in clubs. And I guess she must be quite good in bed since usually, even when they wake up the next morning, the guys always take her out for breakfast, still ask for her phone number so they can text her again type.
Me, I think I’m OK lah. Can still make it. Not as sweet as Imo but luckily, not as bad as Fann. The ang moh guys I’ve met are always talking about how glossy and black my long hair is and how soft and smooth my skin is—so I guess I at least have two things going for me. Of us all though, Sher was the best looking—skin very fair like a Japanese princess, eyes not as big as Imo’s but beautiful almond-shape type. And she really knows how to put on eyeliner so the sides of her eyes look pulled out a bit, like those exotic Asian girls in ang moh movies. Also, she was the tallest of us all. But she wasn’t the skinny giraffe type—her breasts were small but quite nice (at least got cleavage, unlike Fann or Imo), and with her small small waist and legs long long and so shapely, my god, when she wears a miniskirt she almost looks like a Barbie doll. When she walks along Orchard Road, guys always steam. Even the atas guys also not shy—they stare until crazy.
Which is why, really, the way things turned out for Sher, it was damn bang balls to think about how everything was just so bloody wasted.
“You see ah,” I continued, before the girls could get distracted, “Maggie Cheung actually, her features are not so pretty. Her teeth are so big, got gap some more, her eyes are so small, cheeks a bit fat. But still, ang moh guys love her! Because, you know why? She’s quite mysterious. Joan Chen also same thing—her face flat flat also ang moh guys still steam. So we must learn—better to be mysterious a bit. When we meet a new possibility, cannot same night everything also whack.”
Fann waved at Ahmad for another round of drinks and took another chicken wing—typical, never pay attention. Imo on the other hand, had taken out a little notebook and was writing things down. Good. The way her fishnet mind works, I know if she doesn’t have anything written down she confirm won’t remember.
“Number two—is behavior. You see ah, ang mohs in Asia, step one for them is to look for girls to pok. This one is not hard lah. SPG bars, office… everywhere in this country is easy for them to find girls. But once they are used to this, it’s quite difficult to get them to think differently. So the best thing is to grab them FOB—if you snatch the ones who just moved here one or two weeks ago, then confirm is a win. But if you don’t manage to do that, when you meet them, you must act quite differently from those girls who just want to give them one — two nights good time type. Eh, Fann, I tell you ah, if you want to get married you better stop stuffing your face and write this down.” I pointed to her handbag and she fasterly opened it to pull out a pen and paper.
“OK, until now, we have been quite good at the laugh laugh drink drink wink wink type of thing. But if we want to be more serious, we must know what kind of things ang moh guys like—football, rugby, maybe things like rowing or tennis are also quite good. We don’t know much also must learn—so every day, we’d better read the Straits Times. English league, Italian league, German players, World Cup—everything also must know. If we know more, then we have more chance to talk more cock. If we talk more cock, then it becomes more like a relationship! Not just one night garabing garabung then everything is over already. If they think that we like what they like, then an actual relationship more likely is can.”
Even Fann was very seriously writing things down now. Imo, however, asked, “What about them learning about the things that we like?” Fann nodded. I tell you—sometimes Imo’s tootness is just really number one. “Hello,” I said. “If you are waiting for a guy who wants to hold your hand and have long conversations about the new Shiseido eye shadow then you’d better take off your shoes and sit down comfortably—because you are going to wait forever!” Fann started giggling; Imo just blinked at her.
“Next, we must understand the enemy. Cannot be like Jackie Chan in those kung fu movies—in the beginning he’s always the goondu, everything also don’t know, don’t understand then alamak, suddenly his balls get whacked! No, if we want to win, then we must know who we are fighting: number one: China girls. This one is the worst one. Since they come from China and are desperate not to go back, they anything will also do. No standards at all! Old old, ugly ugly, smelly smelly also they don’t care. But because they are so willing and so pretend-sweet, ang mohs like them! Some more they have no guilty conscience—if a guy has a wife, a girlfriend, is engaged, has kids, they don’t care. All, they will also whack. China girls, aiyoh. This one is the number one to watch.
“Number two: Filipinas—this one is quite dangerous because they are quite ang moh already, so it’s very easy for them to talk to ang moh guys. They have a lot in common. Some more they sing so well—if we see them in a karaoke lounge, I think we better just siam. No chance there. Better don’t fight.
“Number three: other SPGs—this one is quite easy to spot in a bar lah. But girls, we are all on the same side, all looking for the same thing, so if we see them, just show respect. No need to fight unless they try to potong your catch—if they potong, then we hantam them one time.
“Number four: ang moh girls. This one is actually not so dangerous because they’re all so fat and white chicken-skin type. Some more their hands and legs are usually damn hairy! If ang moh guys want that kind of thing, aiyoh, they know that if they go home there are better ones there lah. Down here in Singapore, these ang moh women know that Asian girls are better. But still, sometimes, the ang moh girls also can win. So it’s just better to keep an eye on them.”
At this point I was a bit hungry but Fann and Imo were so quiet I thought I’d better carry on. I was starting to feel like I was giving one of those opposition rally speeches you see on the Internet. My voice was getting louder and louder, Fann and Imo were both sitting up, leaning forward, listening carefully to each word. If I waved a flag, I tell you, they confirm will shout “Merdeka!” (At least, this is what I was thinking in my head lah.)