"Open for me, Kylis."
Incredulity was her first reaction. He would not joke, he could not, but he might mock her. Or was he asking her an impossibility, knowing she would refuse, so he could offer to let her alone if Gryf would return to the tetras. She kept her voice very calm.
"I can't do that."
"Don't you think I'm serious?"
"How could you be?"
He forced away his scowl, like an inexperienced mime changing expressions. The muscles of his jaw were set. He moved closer, so she had to look up to see his eyes.
"I am."
"But that's not something you ask for," Kylis said. "That's something a family all wants and decides on." She realized he would not understand what she meant.
"I've decided. There's only me now." His voice was only a bit too loud.
"Aren't you lonely?" She heard her words, not knowing why she had said them. If the Lizard had been hurt, she would revel in his pain. She could not imagine people who would live with him, unless something terrible had changed him.
"I had a kid-- " He cut himself off, scowling, angry for revealing so much.
"Ah," she said involuntarily. She had seen his manner of superficial control over badly suppressed violence before. Screwtop gave the Lizard justifiable opportunities to use his rage. Anywhere else it would burst out whenever he felt safe, against anyone who was defenseless and vulnerable. This was the kind of person who was asking her for a child.
"The board had no right to give him to her instead of me."
He would think that, of course. No right to protect the child? She did not say it.
"Well?"
To comply would be easy. She would probably be allowed to live in the comfort and coolness of the domes, and of course she would get good food. She could forget the dangerous machines and the Lizard's whip. She imagined what it would be like to feel a child quickening within her, and she imagined waiting to give birth to a human being, knowing she must hand it over to the Lizard to raise, all alone, with no other model, no other teacher, only this dreadful, crippled person.
"No," she said.
"You could if you wanted to."
So many things she had discovered about herself here had mocked her; now it was a claim she had once made to Gryf: I would do anything to get out of here.
"Leave it at that," she said quietly. "I don't want to." She backed away.
"I thought you were stubborn and strong. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe you're just stupid, or crazy like the rest of them."
She tried to think of words he would understand, but always came up against the irreconcilable differences between her perception of the Lizard and what he thought of himself. He would not recognize her description.
"Or you want something more from me. What is it?" She started to say there was nothing, but hesitated. "All right," she said, afraid her voice would be too shrill. Somehow it sounded perfectly normal. "Tell Gryfs people to set him free. Get Jason a parole and a ticket off-world." For a moment she almost allowed herself to hope he had believed her offer was sincere. She was a very good liar.
The Lizard's expression changed. "No. I need them around so you'll do what I say."
"I won't."
"Pick something else."
For an instant's flash Kylis remembered being taunted like this before, when she was very small. Anything but that.
Anything but what you really want. She pushed the recollection away.
"There isn't anything else," she said.
"Don't hold out. You can't bribe me to let them go. I'm not a fool."
He needed no officially acceptable reason to hurt her. She knew that. Fear of his kind of power was almost an instinctive reaction for Kylis. But she whispered, "Yes, Lizard, you are," and, half-blind, she turned and fled.
She almost outran him, but he lunged, grabbed her shoulder, pulled her around. "Kylis-- " Standing stiffly, coldly, she looked at his hand. "If that's what you want-- "
Even the Lizard was not that twisted. Slowly, he let his hand fall to his side.
"I could force you," he said.
Her gaze met his and did not waver. "Could you?"
"I could drug you."
"For seven sets?" She realized, with a jog of alienness, that she had unconsciously translated the time from standard months to sets of forty days.
"Long enough to mess up your control. Long enough to make you pregnant."
"You couldn't keep me alive that long, drugged down that far. If the drugs didn't kill it, I would. I wouldn't even need to be conscious. I could abort it."
"I don't think you're that good."
"I am. You can't live like I did and not be that good."
"I can put you in the deprivation box until you swear to-- "
She laughed bitterly. "And expect me to honor that oath?"
"You'd have children with Gryf and Jason."
This was real, much more than a game for the Lizard to play against Gryf. He wanted her compliance desperately. Kylis was certain of that, as certain as she was that he would use his own dreams to help
fulfill his duty to Redsun. Still she could not understand why he felt he had some right to accuse her.
"Not like this," she said. " With them-- but not for one of them. And they wouldn't make themselves fertile, either, if you were a woman and asked one of them to give you a child."
"I'm quitting. I'd take him out of here. I'd give him a good home. Am I asking that much? I'm offering a lot for a little of your time and one ovulation." His voice held the roughness of rising temper.
"You're asking for a human being."
She waited for some reaction, any reaction, but he just stood there, accepting what she said as a simple statement of fact without emotional meaning or moral resonance.
"I'd kill a child before I'd give it to you," she said. "I'd kill myself." She felt herself trembling, though it did not show in her hands or in her voice. She was trembling because what she had said was true.
He reacted not at all. She turned and ran into the darkness, and this time the Lizard did not follow.
When she was sure she was not being watched, she returned to Gryfs rock in the forest. Gryf still slept. He had not moved from the time he fell asleep, but the gray rock around him gleamed with his sweat. Kylis sat down beside him, drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them, and put her head down. She had never felt as she felt now-- unclean by implication, ashamed, diminished-- and she could not explain the feeling to herself. She felt a tear slide down her cheek and clenched her teeth in anger. He will not make me cry, she thought. She breathed deeply, slowly, thinking, Control. Slow the heartbeat, turn off the adrenaline, you don't need it now. Relax. Her body, at least, responded. Kylis sat motionless for a long time.
The heavy, moist wind began to blow, bringing low black clouds to cut off the stars. Soon it would be too dark to see.
"Gryf?" Kylis touched his shoulder. He did not move until she shook him gently; then he woke with a start.
"Storm's coming," Kylis said.
In the dimming starlight, a blond lock of Gryfs hair glinted as he rose. Kylis helped him up. Dead ferns rustled at their feet, and the sleeping insects wrapped themselves more closely in their wings.
At the edge of the forest Kylis and Gryf picked their way across a slag heap and reached the trail to the prisoners' area. A faint blue glow emanated from their shelter, where Jason sat hunched over a cold light reading a book he had managed to scrounge. He did not hear them until they climbed the stairs.
"I was beginning to get worried," he said mildly, squinting to see them past the light.