“I saw your mom at the grocery store the other day. She said you have offers from Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, and Stanford. Have you decided where you’re going?” Mom asked.
“The ride to Stanford includes medical school so long as I keep my grades up and pass my MCAT. They also offer shadowing and clinical experience as an undergrad, so I can figure out if being a doctor is what I want,” Tami said.
“I thought that had always been your dream.”
“It was.”
“Was?” Mom asked.
“Is,” Tami said, sounding confident. Then not so much when she added, “I don’t know.”
They became quiet for a moment, and then Tami started to explain.
“I’ve spent a lot of this past year reevaluating everything in my life. It was about this time four years ago that I began to lose David, when he ran off the rails and started taking drugs. And, well … you know the rest.”
“What really happened with you two? I expected you guys would end up together,” Mom said.
Tami made a strangled sound halfway between a laugh and cry.
“I handled it all wrong. When we were growing up, I took over David’s life. We were together all the time, and I started to tell him what he should do. Now, looking back, with what I’ve learned, I realize I’d set up a codependent relationship that would’ve never lasted. David has shown he at no time needed me to be his problem solver. I’m ashamed to say, he’s actually much better at it than I ever was,” Tami said.
“Do you regret not becoming his girlfriend after Jeff passed?” Mom asked.
“That would have been the easy way out. I turned him down for me more than him. Over that summer, I began to see how he saw me through his eyes. We had some frank discussions that showed me things about myself I didn’t really like. They say that if someone accuses you of something, they are probably guilty of it themselves. I kept telling him that he needed to grow up. The simple fact is that I was the one who had to grow up. I still do,” Tami admitted.
“I was always happy you were part of his group of friends because you were the one who kept him from going completely wild. From what I’m seeing, I’m afraid his youngest one, Coby, is going to follow in his father’s footsteps,” Mom said.
I worried that my mom was right about Coby.
“The look in his eyes when I told him ‘no’ broke my heart. I cried myself to sleep for the next month. Then I got the bright idea to horn in on his recruiting trips. But on back-to-back trips, terrible things happened, and both times it involved me. First, Missy was almost raped, and then as much as I didn’t want to believe it, I honestly thought Alan had done the same to me.
“What David walked in on told a story that even I had a hard time denying. The only behavior David won’t tolerate is betrayal. In my heart, I knew I hadn’t betrayed him, but all the evidence said otherwise. By the time we finally discovered that Brandon had orchestrated the whole scene, the damage had already been done. In David’s mind, we were never going to happen,” Tami said.
“When he found out, he got physically ill,” Mom said. “At the time, I didn’t know what Megan had told him, but I saw him throw up in the parking lot. David worked at it until Brandon was arrested. I still can’t believe he didn’t tell me while he kept driving to get Brandon behind bars. He took the whole burden on himself to make things right for you. Those are not the actions of someone who doesn’t care.”
“Logically, I agree, and I don’t doubt that he cares. But you know David. Emotionally, from his perspective, I’m still the monster who broke his heart. I spied on him, manipulated him, schemed against him; you name it. What he saw that day will always be in the back of his mind. He found a way to deal with knowing intellectually that I was with other guys, but to see it … that was when I lost him,” Tami said.
She was right. Seeing Tami naked in bed with Alan had changed how I thought of her. It didn’t matter that I found out later that Brandon had raped her and then staged them together. Deep down, something had broken that day, and I doubted it could ever be fixed. I’d used that image in my head to help get over Tami.
If you’d asked me up to that point if we would end up together, I had no doubt we would. We were soul mates, destined to come together in the end, like an epic romantic story.
“I hate to say it, but you may be right. David and I have had words about it more than once. He finally convinced me that my dream for the two of you is never going to happen,” Mom said.
“I’m sorry I put you in that position. It’s all on me,” Tami said.
“Do you still love him?” Mom asked.
“I do, but I can’t. I don’t deserve him. He needs someone like Brook, someone who treats him as an equal and complements his attributes. David is one of the few people I can honestly say is special. I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t reach his full potential. If I step back, I can see now that the best thing he ever did for himself was to free himself of my influence,” Tami said.
Someone was having a pity party.
“Tami, I would agree if I didn’t know you like I do. You’re one of the few people who are not afraid to tell him hard truths. When the chips were down, you were always the one he would talk to. Combine that with how you feel about him, and you two would make a formidable couple. You’re being too hard on yourself, and I believe David would agree with me.
“I agree that you have to resist your urge to be in control; that’s never going to happen again. David has grown since you two took a step back. Believe me, I’m secretly rooting for the two of you. But you have to figure out what you really want first and then talk to him. My bet is he’ll be more receptive than you think,” Mom assured her.
I wasn’t at all surprised at Mom pushing for Tami and me to get together. She’d done an excellent job of suppressing those feelings, at least to me, but I knew she never really gave up on us. Even if I had.
“Don’t get your hopes up just yet. The critical prerequisite is for me to figure out what I want. I still love David, but until I get my life together, I don’t want to risk potentially hurting him again. For now, the best we can be is friends. We’ve drifted apart over the last year, and I intend to make sure that doesn’t continue. If we’re ever going to have more, our relationship has to be built on friendship. At the very least, I want that. Someday, if I’m worthy, I can talk to him about possibly more,” Tami said.
On the friendship front, I agreed with her. More? I still had serious doubts. The little voice in the back of my head was pleased she had finally admitted that her stalking and the like had been a problem.
That was a big step for us. Not because I believed in some kind of fantasy ending in the future, but because it was necessary before we could become better friends. Maybe she would begin to talk to me instead of making an end run every time she wanted to know or tell me something. If she could do that, it might pave the way for more.
I’d started to realize that high school would soon be coming to a close, and many friendships would come to an end unless I worked to make sure they didn’t. My time wasn’t infinite, so I had to decide who was worth the effort. Of my childhood friends, only Tami remained standing. Jeff had died, and Alan and I would never be civil again. Tami had been my best friend. That might not be true now, but I wasn’t ready to give up on her.
“Come on, Duke. Let’s go say ‘hi’ to our guest,” I urged him.
He bounced off the bed, ready to face the day. If his tail was any indication of his emotions, I envied his happiness.
◊◊◊
Duke announced my arrival. Mom rubbed his ears as Tami got up and hugged me.