GRACE. Such a great night…
She laughs. He smiles.
Was it you that likes the Harry Potter films?
ADAM. Erm. No. I don’t think so.
A beat.
Are they good?
GRACE. I don’t know. I guess they must be.
He smiles. They eat in silence.
This is absolutely amazing!
ADAM. Mmmmm!!
They eat in silence. Eventually—
So – Grace – you don’t eat any meat?
GRACE. No.
ADAM. Mad… No animal products? No animal products at all?
GRACE. None.
ADAM. Wow. Impressive.
GRACE. I don’t know about that.
ADAM. Debbie – the pregnant one tonight—
GRACE. Oh yeah.
ADAM. She goes out with my mate Dave—
GRACE. ‘Dave and Debbie’!
ADAM. Oh yeah!
GRACE laughs. ADAM laughs.
GRACE. Sorry! Carry on.
ADAM. She’s a vegetarian – Debbie is – and she doesn’t eat meat but she does eat fish. You ever done that?
GRACE. No. I’ve heard of people who do that but I’m not like that.
She wipes her mouth with a tissue. A beat, then—
ADAM. And do you miss meat?
GRACE. Bacon sandwiches.
ADAM. Yes!
GRACE. Oh my God I so miss bacon sandwiches! Sometimes if my flatmate’s making one, I’ll have a bite on his.
ADAM. Bacon’s not bad anyway is it.
GRACE. Yeah.
Silence. They eat.
ADAM. This is yummy.
GRACE. Mmmmmmm!
He watches her eating for a moment. Then, getting up—
ADAM. I’m gonna get a Coke. Sure I can’t get you a Coke?
GRACE. Yeah. I don’t want to be up all night.
ADAM. Well you can share mine if you fancy it.
GRACE. I’m fine.
ADAM. Cool.
He goes to the counter at the back of the stage. She eats with her back to him. Silence. He stands there with his back to us and her. Hold on this. He looks back at her without her knowing. A beat of his disappointed, despairing, blank look. He looks forward again, his back to her and us. A beat.
Blackout.
Empty stage apart from a shirt that’s the same as the one ADAM’s been wearing throughout the play, still in its packet from the shop, unopened. ADAM comes on topless. He picks up the shirt, opens it and puts it on. It’s creased from being folded in its packet.
ADAM (calling offstage). It’s creased!
No response. He tuts and harrumphs. He looks at himself in an invisible mirror. He tuts.
What am I gonna do?
He looks in the mirror. No response. He takes it off.
Ruth, it’s really creased!
He goes offstage.
(Offstage.) Ruth!
Blackout.
They’re in the cab. The car radio plays in the front. She’s leaning forward, speaking to the invisible cabbie.
GRACE. It’s just past Homebase.
She sits back with ADAM.
I love cabs. It makes me feel like I’m famous.
ADAM. I think you’ll be famous one day.
GRACE (pleased). Do you?
ADAM. Yeah. Of course.
GRACE. I don’t know…
ADAM. Of course you will.
GRACE. Tut. I dunno.
A beat.
I wouldn’t want to be too famous.
ADAM. No.
Long silence, just sat there looking out of their windows, the radio playing in the front.
GRACE. Such a crazy night.
ADAM. Yeah.
A beat.
GRACE. I had a real chilled day – really nice – just sitting round and vegging out – spoke to my mum, which was nice—
ADAM. Oh. Nice.
GRACE. Yeah.
ADAM. She okay?
GRACE. Yeah.
ADAM. Good.
GRACE. Just a really chilled day. Nice to have a bit of downtime isn’t it.
ADAM. Definitely.
Long silence. Car radio. They just sit there. He scratches his hand. He offers her some chewing gum.
GRACE. Thanks.
She takes one and sits there chewing. Silence. Car radio.
And so cool. Getting a cab.
ADAM. Yes!
GRACE. I usually walk!
ADAM. Do you?
GRACE. Yeah. God… This is the life! Jesus… Hilarious…
He smiles for her. Long silence. Car radio in the front. She looks at him and feels the bottom of his shirt.
This is nice.
ADAM. Thanks.
GRACE. Where d’you get it?
ADAM. Can’t remember.
GRACE. It’s nice.
ADAM. Thanks.
A beat.
GRACE (about the cabbie). We should make out. Give him something to look at.
She laughs. He laughs for her. They just sit there, looking out of separate windows, chewing.
Blackout.
Outside GRACE’s front door. GRACE is trying to find her keys in her bag.
ADAM. It’s a lovely house.
GRACE. It’s from the sixties.
ADAM. Very nice.
GRACE. Sorry – they’re definitely in here.
ADAM. It’s fine.
She looks. He’s trying to be patient. He points.
They’re nice.
GRACE. The lady upstairs does them.
ADAM. Oh. Nice.
GRACE. She’s a bit of a bitch but she’s cool. (Signalling around them.) She looks after the garden as well.
ADAM. Nice.
A beat.
They’re not in your pocket are they?
GRACE (not checking). No.
She looks in her bag. As she does so—
I’ll just have to go in first and check my bedroom’s cool.
ADAM. Cool.
She looks for her keys. We can sense his despair.
So who mows the grass? Does the lady upstairs do that as well?
She ignores him. She looks in her bag. She then stops and looks up at him.
GRACE. Have you got condoms?
ADAM. Yeah.
GRACE. I’ve run out.
ADAM. I’ve got three.
GRACE. Cool.
She looks in her bag.
Blackout.
Empty stage. A beat. A young woman, RUTH, walks from stage left across the stage carrying an iron in silence. She exits stage right.
Blackout.
The club. Music so loud they have to shout above it. We can just about hear them. They can just about hear each other. Big smiles from them both throughout.
ADAM. Come outside!
GRACE (giggling). What?!
ADAM. Come outside!
GRACE. What for?!
ADAM. Come outside with me!
GRACE (giggling). Why?!
ADAM. I’ve got something I wanna show you!
GRACE. What?!
ADAM. Just come outside and you’ll see!
GRACE. What?!
ADAM. I’ve got something I want to show you!
Blackout.
GRACE’s flat. GRACE and ADAM are hushedly, hysterically laughing, bent double, trying not to make any noise. They shush each other, which only makes them laugh more. They laugh and laugh and shush and shush.