She pronounces it “rahd.” They don’t really get to rahd.
“I don’t want my little ’un to rahd at all,” I say firmly. “But if she does rahd, I really, really don’t want her to fall off.”
“She won’t, ma’am. Her daddy’ll hold her firm. Won’t you, sir?”
“I will,” says Luke, nodding.
“So, if she’s gonna rahd, I need her form.”
There’s nothing I can do. My precious daughter is going to rahd a sheep. A sheep. Luke hands over the form, and we head to the competitors’ entrance. A guy in an Arizona State Fair T-shirt fits Minnie with a helmet and a body protector, then leads her to a little pen with about six sheep of different sizes in separate chutes.
“Now, you rahd that sheep good,” he instructs Minnie, who’s listening avidly. “You don’t let go that naughty sheep. Don’t let go, you hear me?”
Minnie nods with eager eyes, and the guy laughs.
“The little ’uns crack me up,” he says. “She’ll be off before you know it. Sir, you keep a tight grip on her.” He looks at Luke.
“OK.” Luke nods. “Let’s do this. Ready, Minnie?”
Oh God. I feel sick. I mean, basically it’s a rodeo. They’re putting her onto a sheep. And they’ll open the gate and she’ll be in the arena….It’s like Gladiator.
OK, it’s not exactly like Gladiator. But it’s almost as bad. My stomach is churning as I watch through my fingers, while Suze takes pictures on her phone and whoops, “Go, Minnie!”
“Now we both run alongside,” the guy’s saying to Luke. “Don’t take your hands off her, and whip her off soon’s you can.”
“OK.” Luke nods.
“This sheep’s an old docile one. We keep her for the little ’uns. But still and all…”
I glance at Minnie. Her eyebrows are lowered with intent. I’ve never seen her look so focused, except for that time she wanted to wear her fairy dress and it was in the wash, and she refused to put anything else on, the whole day.
Suddenly a buzzer is sounding. It’s happening. The gate is opening.
“Go, Minnie!” Suze yells again. “You can do it! Stay on!”
My whole body is braced, waiting for the sheep to start bucking crazily and throwing Minnie ten feet in the air. But it doesn’t, partly because the guy in the Arizona State Fair T-shirt has a firm hold of it. It’s squirming, but basically it can’t go anywhere.
Oh. Oh, I see.
OK, it’s not quite as bad as I thought.
“Good job, honey!” says the guy to Minnie after about ten seconds. “You rode the sheep good! Off you come, now….”
“Is that it?” says Suze, as Luke steps away to take a picture. “For God’s sake, that was nothing!”
“Ride sheep!” shouts Minnie with determination. “Want to ride sheep!”
“Off you come—”
“Ride sheep!”
And I don’t know what happens—if Minnie kicks the sheep or what—but suddenly the sheep gives a leap, dodges the grasp of the guy in the T-shirt, and starts off around the arena at a brisk trot, with Minnie clutching on for dear life.
“Oh my God!” I scream. “Help!”
“Stay on, Minnie!” Suze is screaming beside me.
“Save my daughter!” I’m almost hysterical. “Luke, get her!”
“Well, look at this!” the announcer is booming through the loudspeaker. “Minnie Brandon, age two, ladies and gentlemen—only two years old and she’s still on!”
The sheep is trotting and wriggling all over the place, with Luke and the T-shirt guy trying to catch it, but Minnie is grimly fastened to its back. The thing about Minnie is, if she wants something badly, her fingers get a kind of super-strength.
“She’s amazing!” Suze is gasping. “Look at her!”
“Minn-eeeee!” I cry in desperation. “Heeeelp!” I can’t watch anymore. I have to do something. I clamber over the fence and run into the arena, as best I can in my flip-flops, my breath coming fast and hard. “I’ll save you, Minnie!” I yell. “You put my daughter down, you sheep!”
I charge at the sheep and grab it by the wool, intending to wrestle it to the ground in one simple move.
Bloody hell. Ow. Sheep are strong. And it trod on my foot.
“Becky!” Luke yells. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Stopping the sheep!” I yell back. “Get it, Luke!”
As I start chasing the sheep, I can hear laughter from the audience.
“And Minnie’s mom has joined the fray!” booms the announcer. “Go, Minnie’s mom!”
“Go, Minnie’s mom!” a crowd of teenage boys at once echoes. “Minnie’s mom! Minnie’s mom!”
“Shut up!” I say, flustered. “Give me my daughter!” I launch myself at the sheep as it trots by, but it’s too quick, and I end up crashing down into a patch of mud, or even worse. Ow. My head.
“Becky!” cries Luke from the other end of the arena. “Are you OK?”
“I’m fine! Get Minnie!” I flail my arms. “Get that bloody sheep!”
“Get that bloody sheep!” the teenage boys immediately echo, in fake British accents. “Get that bloody sheep!”
“Shut up!” I glower at them.
“Shut up!” they joyfully return. “Oh, guvnor. Shut up!”
I hate teenage boys. And I hate sheep.
By now Luke, the guy in the Arizona State Fair T-shirt, and a couple of others have cornered the sheep. They pin it down and try to remove Minnie, who is totally ungrateful for their help.
“Ride sheeeeep!” I can hear her yelling crossly as she clutches on to its wool. She looks round the audience, realizes she’s the star of the moment, and beams, lifting one hand to wave at everyone. She is such a show-off.
“Well, look at this, ladies and gentlemen!” The announcer is chortling. “Our youngest competitor stayed on the longest! Let’s give her a huge hand….”
The audience erupts in a cheer as finally Luke gets Minnie off the sheep and holds her aloft, still in her little helmet and body protector, her legs kicking in protest.
“Minnie!” I run toward her, dodging the sheep, which is now being manhandled back into its pen. “Minnie, are you OK?”
“Again!” Her face is pink with triumph. “Ride sheep again!”
“No, sweetheart. Not again.”
My legs are all wobbly with relief as I lead Minnie out of the arena.
“You see?” I say to Luke. “It was dangerous.”
“You see?” replies Luke calmly. “She did manage it.”
OK. I can tell this is one of those marital We’ll agree to disagree moments, like when I gave Luke a yellow tie for Christmas. (I still say he can carry off yellow.)
“Anyway.” I take off Minnie’s helmet and body protector. “Let’s go and have a cup of tea or a double vodka or something. I’m a total wreck.”
“Minnie was amazing!” Suze hurries up to us, her face shining. “I’ve never seen anything like it!”
“Well, she’s still in one piece, that’s the main thing. I need a titchy.”
“Wait.” Suze grabs Minnie’s hand from mine. “I want to talk to you. Both of you.” She seems quite stirred up. “I think Minnie has a real talent. Don’t you think?”
“At what?” I say, puzzled.
“At riding! Did you see how she stayed on? Imagine putting her on a horse!”
“Er…yes,” I say without enthusiasm. “Well, maybe she’ll go riding one day.”
“You don’t understand,” says Suze fervently. “I want to train her. I think she could make it as a top eventer. Or a show jumper.”
“What?” My jaw sags slightly.