Judd: Not watching his own movie.
Jeff: Peeing. And I said to him, “What is with all these movies being so goddamn long?” And I didn’t realize, I mean I knew that he directed it but I forgot who I was—I was just speaking frankly. And he looked at me like, What? I think all these comedies should be ninety minutes. I remember when I saw a rough cut of 40-Year-Old Virgin. I saw like a two-hour-and-forty-minute cut.
Judd: Yes.
Jeff: No, I really did, though. I really did. I don’t know if you remember me saying to you, but I told you in no uncertain terms: “Cut it down to ninety and it’ll be a huge hit.”
Judd: Yeah.
Jeff: I still wish it was ninety. By the way, loved it. But I would have loved it more at ninety. You know, Groucho Marx came to see Second City one time and I said to him, “Groucho, what did you think of it?” And he goes, “Make it shorter, and make it funnier.” That’s sort of my attitude about comedies. All Woody Allen: ninety minutes or less. You can’t watch a fucking short movie anymore. I understand if—what’s his name, the guy who directed, like, Lawrence of Arabia? David Lean? If it’s a David Lean movie—all right, two and a half to three hours. But a comedy should be shorter.
Judd: I don’t subscribe to that.
Jeff: I know you don’t. And by the way, I love your movies, I really do. But I would love them more if they were shorter.
Judd: You’re probably right. The 40-Year-Old Virgin, I think, was like an hour and forty-seven. And then I put seventeen minutes back on the DVD, which is a lot. But I like showing people the other things that we did that I was proud of. I feel like people’s attention spans are getting so short that I want to make them suffer.
Jeff: I am with you on that. I remember going to your apartment once and watching that movie about the workers on strike. The train people—
Judd: Matewan?
Jeff: Matewan, yeah. You’re like, “You’ve got to see this movie, it’s amazing.” And that’s a long movie. By the way, I’m all for long movies, but—
Judd: Not funny ones, right. You don’t think you can sustain joy or laughter over the long haul. See, when we were doing Funny People, I literally thought, I’d like to make this the longest comedy ever made. I wanted people to suffer through parts of it where you think it’s going to go happy, and then it goes to a more painful place, and the length is part of it. It’s like, Fuck, when will this end?
Jeff: Fuck, when will this end? I love that as an aspiration for a filmmaker.
Judd: You’re probably right, though, about length. But when things are good—you know, I’m not, like, upset that Pulp Fiction is so long.
Jeff: I am.
Judd: And there’s two Kill Bills. I’m excited.
Jeff: I’m very upset. I’m not very upset but—
Judd: Really?
Jeff: I mean, I’m done. Because I feel like Lawrence of Arabia is about something. It’s filling me. Kill Bill is just too fucking whimsical to be nine hours long. You know, if something is really, really, you know, whoa, then yes, I’ll sit there for the whole fucking thing. But if it’s—
Judd: What about Harry Potter?
Jeff: I’ve never seen a Harry Potter movie. It all goes on too long.
Judd: I get mad that people will sit through Harry Potter for two hours and forty minutes and not give me two hours and forty minutes.
Jeff: By the way, I’m so with you. What makes you think that Harry Potter should be—
Judd: You haven’t even seen the first one to judge the Potter movies. It’s not like you saw the first one and you went, “That sucks, fuck Harry Potter.” You’ve watched no Harry Potters.
Jeff: I have never seen a Michael Bay movie, either.
Judd: But maybe you would be the biggest Michael Bay fan in the world if you saw one.
Jeff: No I wouldn’t.
Judd: How do you know?
Jeff: I just know. I know it’s a difficult place to argue from, I know.
Judd: You don’t enjoy action and comedy hybrids?
Jeff: I love action and comedy hybrids, yes, but not Michael Bay’s. I’ll never see his—it’s a matter of pride.
Judd: Okay, well, who’s the funniest person that made you laugh? Who made you laugh the hardest?
Jeff: Let me think about that. Watching their work?
Judd: Yeah, not just hanging out. But their work.
Jeff: Can I do both?
Judd: Yes.
Jeff: All right, so their work: I guess Peter Sellers, The Party. I laughed harder with him than anyone. And then on a personal leveclass="underline" Amy Sedaris.
Judd: I was also thinking of stand-up. You’re talking about movies.
Jeff: Stand-up? You know who used to kill me when he was at his peak? Kevin Meaney. He used to destroy me. Night after night, the same exact act would kill me.
Judd: Chris Farley, in person, was one of the funniest people ever.
Jeff: Yeah, but he’s not a stand-up.
Judd: I’m changing the rules. When I think about stand-up, there’s so many that it just becomes ridiculous. I mean, my favorite thing used to be watching people write their acts onstage, free-form associating to come up with the next thing. There were days, when I first started, when I really used to laugh. I don’t laugh anymore. I’m dead inside.
Jeff: It’s much harder now, stand-up-wise, to get a laugh out of me. Even after someone’s done, I’ll go, “That was a good set.” You know, and I’ll mean it but I didn’t laugh once.
Judd: Yeah, that’s sad. I mean, Chris Rock’s act is crazy. Like, to see him really on his game?
Jeff: You know what’s sad? When you see Chris Rock at midnight at the Comedy Store working out his act and what he’s working out is better than anything you’ve ever written. It’s just so sad and frustrating and you’re laughing, and you’re going, You fucker. You’re that good.
Judd: There were so many people, when we used to go on the road, who would just kill so hard. I never did. I was never that good.
Jeff: When we were on the road together—one thing, by the way, somebody said they saw our names up on the wall at the Improv in Addison or Dallas, you know, wherever it was, and everyone’s names and the date they played there are on the wall. And it was you and I opening for someone. I’m not going to say who it was because they haven’t gone on to anything and they—well, they weren’t a nice person but, uh, they weren’t so fuck them but I’m not going to say their name. It’s just mean.
Judd: But you’ll slam a guy like Michael Bay? Who you’ve never met?
Jeff: Yes.
Judd: But the guy who was mean to you, you will not call out?
Jeff: Yes.
Judd: Is that because he doesn’t have Michael Bay’s money? Like where, what’s your line?
Jeff: My line is Michael Bay better be able to take it. Not even because of money. Fuck him for making those shitty movies. Fuck him for wasting America’s time. Fuck him. Fuck him. And by the way, Albert Brooks’s speech in Broadcast News about lowering our standards: Michael Bay does it at a rapid pace. He’s not like slowly chipping away with each movie. Immediately upon first movie it’s a punch in our face to make us stupid. I’m sorry. You just got me on a rant. I apologize.
Judd: You say this and you’ve never seen any of his movies. What are the top three or four jokes that, even for you, are uncomfortable?