“Then you won’t be doing what Trevor wanted you to do. He didn’t want you to look back. Remember what he said when he knew he was dying.”
You have to think of it as forever.
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t let him go.” She moistened her lips. “I’m going to go to bed now. Please leave, Caleb.”
He nodded jerkily. “That’s all I have to say. You won’t see me for a while. I’m sure you’ll be relieved.”
She nodded. “You disturb me. I don’t need that right now.”
“It’s the nature of the beast.” He paused. “Aren’t you curious why I’m so angry about what Trevor did?”
“He did nothing. He expressed a wish.”
“He did more than that. He managed to delve deep and brought up feelings that I’ve kept buried and forgotten. I found myself wanting to do what he wanted me to do. Why do you think I’ve been staying in the background for the last few days? I was taking care of you, dammit. Do you think I don’t know I disturb you? I was being sensitive.”
“I’m sure it was only temporary. But you managed to forget all about sensitivity tonight.”
“Because I was going away, and I had to let you know why. I wasn’t about to fade into the sunset.”
Darkness outlined in flames.
“I don’t think that’s possible for you.”
“And my going away is because I want to give you a chance to heal. That damn sensitivity again. I want to move forward, not retreat.”
“Then I’m glad you had second thoughts. There’s nothing for you here.”
He ignored her response. “And I don’t think that instinct to take care of you was temporary. I’ve noticed the effect is still lingering. God knows, I hope it’s temporary. The last thing I want is to be chained like that. I watched you suffering today, and it nearly killed me. But it was my pain and had nothing to do with Trevor or what he wanted from me. That’s how it has to be. Oh, I’ll let Trevor tie my hands for a while. I’ll do what he wanted.” He finished his wine with one swallow. “But I’ll get over it.” He put his glass on the table beside him, and she could sense the frustration and anger back in full force. “I’ll fight it until I break free.” He smiled recklessly. “Just thought I’d give you warning.”
He turned and walked away from her.
She felt limp with emotion as she watched him. She’d thought she was numb, but he’d managed to make her come alive. He’d aroused her to bewilderment and ruthlessly inserted his presence in her mind.
And he’d brought back that agonizing memory of Trevor’s dying and her not being able to help him. It was never far from her, but she’d forgotten some of the nuances that concerned Caleb. Caleb trying to save him. Caleb angry and rejecting being used by Trevor.
Trevor gentle and loving and trying to protect her even after he was gone.
She felt the sting of tears. Why Caleb, Trevor? You might as well have set a hungry tiger to guard a flock of sheep. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone but you.
She was losing control. She had to get away from there to the safety of the cottage before she broke down. She moved quickly toward the porch steps.
“Jane.”
She stopped at the steps as Margaret appeared beside her. She hadn’t seen her for more than a few moments today, but she’d been aware of her always there, helping Eve, talking to Joe. “Hi, Margaret.” She swallowed. “Thank you for being here. I meant to—”
“Stop being polite,” Margaret said bluntly. “Are you okay? I saw Caleb with you. I was watching him today, and all the lightning was flashing around him.”
“That’s a strange term. The lightning didn’t strike me. He wasn’t gentle, and he jarred me. But I survived it.” She smiled shakily. “But now I need some alone time. I was numb, and now I feel too much alive.”
“Caleb generates that emotion. I think it’s part of that wild DNA.” She shrugged. “Most of the time, that’s not such a bad thing. Maybe this is an exception. Maybe not. You’ve been a sleepwalker for the last few days.” She made a face. “Completely understandable. I’ll let you go up and get to bed. I just wanted to say good-bye.”
“You’re leaving?”
“You don’t need me. You have Eve.” She gave her a hug. “I envy you Eve and Joe. It must have been wonderful growing up with them.”
“Yes, wonderful. Are you going back to Summer Island? Devon called and told me that my dog, Toby, is doing well, but she wants to keep him with the other dogs for a while. She says he’s responding to the contact therapy and acting like a puppy. I’d like to know you’re with him.”
“I’m not going there right away. Kendra’s invited me to come out to San Diego to her place for a visit. It should be interesting.”
“And fairly explosive. You two seem to strike sparks wherever you are.” She kissed her cheek. “Thank you, Margaret. Keep safe. I’ll miss you.”
“No, you won’t. I’ll be around. You can never tell when I’ll come knocking on your door.” She turned away. “Now go upstairs and rest. I’ll help Eve shoo everyone else away and clean up.”
Jane didn’t argue. She started up the steps. The heaviness and sadness were becoming overwhelming. Another good-bye from someone who had become her good friend.
And the final good-bye to her love.
2:35 A.M.
“GOD, YOU’RE TENSE.” Joe cuddled Eve closer in bed. “Jane?”
Eve nodded. “I just heard her go down the hall toward the porch. She’s not sleeping again.”
“She always loved the porch. From the time we brought her home, the two of you would sit out there for hours.”
“I want to help her, Joe. There ought to be something I can do, something I can say.”
“You’ve said all the right things. You just have to wait for her to heal.” He raised himself to rest on one arm and looked down at her. “I know that sounds lame. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
She gave him a quick kiss. “It doesn’t sound lame. It sounds like you trying to give me comfort and love. There’s nothing lame about that.” Her arms slid around him, and she buried her face in his chest. He smelled of soap and lemon and the musky essence that was Joe himself. She remembered all the nights while she was with Doane that she had tried not to think of Joe’s smell, the feel of him. It had hurt too much. “I was lying here thinking how lucky I am that I have you,” she whispered. “And that I mustn’t ever take you for granted. You close your eyes, and suddenly love and all the beautiful things it brings can slip away from you.”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Only I didn’t have to find that out. I’ve known it from the moment I met you. I’ve never taken you for granted, Eve.” His arms tightened around her. “I never will.”
“We have so much, Joe.” She could feel the tears sting her eyes. “What a rich life we’ve built together, the years, the experiences, so many memories.”
“And you’re thinking that Jane will never have that.”
“I hope she will. Somehow. Sometime.” She reached up and gently touched his cheek. It was hard with the faintest stubble. Everything about him was hard and warm and vibrantly alive. God, please keep him this way. Keep him strong and well and full of laughter and joy. Never take him away from me. “I love you, Joe.”
“Thank God.” He kissed her, long and deep. “I know that.” He suddenly pulled her up in bed. “I also know that you’re sad and want to help our Jane.” He got to his feet and held her robe for her. “So go out there on the porch and work it out between you like you always do.”
She hesitated, gazing at him. “But I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’ll be here when you get back.” He smiled. “Always, Eve.”
She glanced back at him as she opened the door. There had been some deeper meaning in those last words. Joe could read her so well. Had he also read that silent prayer for God to care for him and keep him by her side?
“I’ll be waiting. Never doubt it.” He repeated softly, “Always…”
* * *
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING out here, Jane?” Eve asked as she stood in the doorway leading to the porch. She came over to the swing where Jane was sitting. “It’s the middle of the night. I hoped you were sleeping, dammit.”