“I tried. It didn’t work. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Her gaze went to the lake. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Trevor and I spent a weekend on Lake Como once. But this is just as wonderful. I told him that I wanted to be here with him when Joe barbecued. He even mentioned it at the last…” She had to stop and steady her voice. “Sorry. I know you have to be tired of me not being able to—I should be stronger. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. I’ve been thinking that maybe I should go back to London and start working.”
“You’ll do what you think is best for you. Work can be a salvation.” She sat down beside her on the swing. “But not because you think you’re being a bother to us. Give yourself a little time. It’s not even been a week, Jane.”
“It seems longer.” She was silent for a moment, then whispered, “It hurts, Eve. He was so … God, I miss him. I keep remembering everything about him. The day I met him when I was only seventeen. Do you remember that day? He looked like a movie star and could charm the birds from the trees. You were worried I’d be dazzled by him.”
“And you were,” Eve said. “You were too young. I was grateful that he had some sense and walked away from you.”
“I’m not. They were wasted years. Maybe if I’d followed him then, I’d not have become so set in my ways, and we’d have worked our relationship out earlier.” She gestured. “I know. What-ifs are useless. He’s gone, and I have to deal with it.”
“Oh, Jane, it’s natural to have regrets.” She leaned back in the swing. “After I lost Bonnie, I thought I’d go crazy thinking about all the things I should have done and didn’t. She wanted a puppy, and I didn’t get it for her. I was going to get one for her that Christmas. But that Christmas didn’t come for her. There were so many things…”
“You gave me my puppy, Toby, after I came to you. Was that why?”
“Probably. I wanted desperately for you to be happy. I’d learned by then that you live for the day and not tomorrow.”
“Because tomorrow might not come.” She looked out at the lake again. “But you think tomorrow did come, don’t you, Eve? You think Bonnie comes back to you.”
“Yes,” Eve said quietly. “I know she does. I’ve never kept it a secret.” She paused. “But you have trouble believing it, so I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by mentioning it.”
“You know me, hardheaded realist. But if it brought you peace, I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have anything that would make you happy.”
“Peace and happiness … Yes, she brings me both.”
“I … like the idea of death not being the end. I never thought much about it. I was too busy living. Now all of a sudden…” She had to stop again. “Trevor said he didn’t know anything about it either, but he thought there was something more…”
“He was right.” She pulled Jane to her and nestled her head on her shoulder. “So much more, Jane. But no one can tell you. You have to find it for yourself.”
“I guess so.” She could feel Eve’s heartbeat and smelled the clean smell of the soap she used. It brought comfort and healing to the aching void that seemed to span the world. “I can’t believe what you say about Bonnie. I’m sorry. I want so badly to believe it, but I can’t.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Eve brushed a kiss on her forehead. “You don’t have to accept anything that I say except when I tell you that I love you. Now hush and try to relax. I want you to be able to sleep.”
They were silent for several moments, listening to the cool breeze rustle the branches of the pine trees. How often during the past years had they been out here together, Jane thought. Talking, laughing at Toby’s antics, just unwinding from the day. She had never dreamed that one night she would be clinging to Eve and having a conversation that was this heartbreakingly painful. She should have known this day would come. Life was never perfect. She finally raised her head. “I’m keeping you up. You should be getting to sleep, too. Didn’t I see the FedEx man deliver something day before yesterday? Are you starting to work?”
“Yes, providing you don’t need me. I can put it off.”
“No, don’t let me get in the way. You’ve wasted enough time on me.” She jumped to her feet and pulled Eve up. “I guess I wasn’t thinking.” She grimaced. “Only feeling. Life goes on.”
“It wasn’t a waste. It’s strange that the terrible thing that happened to me had a domino effect on the people who care for both of us. Friendships became stronger, characters became defined, confusion became clear. And you found and lost something pretty damn wonderful. Good or tragic, it wasn’t a waste. It made us stronger.” She put her arm around Jane’s waist as they walked toward the door. “And I needed the time to get my head together, too. Doing Kevin’s reconstruction was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It will be good to get back to doing reconstruction on children instead of monsters.” She glanced at Jane as she opened the door. “Yes, life goes on. Bad, good, or indifferent. Whatever it is, we have to open our mind and heart to it.” She smiled. “Now I’m done preaching.” She gave a mock yawn. “Time I headed for bed before I get too disgustingly sanctimonious. Good night, Jane.” Her voice trailed behind her as she moved down the hall. “If you need me, call…”
She wouldn’t call, Jane thought as she followed Eve down the hall. Eve had already given her too much time when she had her own nightmares to lay to rest.
Jane’s nightmares would come as they had every night since Trevor’s death. She had carefully hidden that from Eve. Then, after the nightmares, she would wake, and the tears that wouldn’t stop followed.
Maybe not tonight.
Maybe she could hold off the memories of that night of death that brought those nightmares. Trevor had said she was strong.
Let her be strong tonight.
* * *
THE NIGHTMARE WAS THE same. Jane woke from it with tears running down her cheeks.
She sat up in bed, breathing hard.
Don’t let go.
Don’t give in.
Take control.
Dear God, it was hard. The despair seemed to be deep and endless.
You shouldn’t have died, Trevor. You had everything to live for. I would have made your life so good. If anyone had to die that night, it should have been me.
The pain wouldn’t go away. It was starting to overwhelm her.
Don’t cry.
Hold on.
Ever … After. You shouldn’t be afraid.
Yes, that’s what he had said. She could hear it as if he were in this room.
Today. Tomorrow. Ever After.
You should be here now. I should be able to touch you, tell you how much I love you.
I don’t think it’s forever. But you have … to go on as if it is forever.
I want to see you again. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough … Eve says she believes Bonnie comes to her. I don’t care if it’s just some hallucination. It brings her happiness … She lifted her hand to push her hair back from her face. I know, I’m acting crazy. You wouldn’t be proud of me now.
Shh, love. You’ll get through it. You’re so strong. My own love …
Maybe if I concentrate, I can imagine—
* * *
“HE DOESN’T WANT YOUto do that, Jane. You have to remember what he said to you.”
She stiffened. Those weren’t the words Trevor had spoken that night. Maybe she truly was beginning to hallucinate.
“Trevor?”
“No, he won’t come to you. He said it wouldn’t be good for you. You’re so stubborn. You hold on with all your strength and won’t let go. He has to protect you from hurting yourself.”
Trevor always was trying to guard her, even in this weird hallucination, she thought with a bitter pang.
“It’s not a hallucination. Eve told you that you had to open your mind and heart. You’ve done it, Jane. Can’t you feel it?”
“I can feel that I’m talking to some figment of my imagination.”
“And not the someone you want to be there.” Soft laughter. “But I’ll have to do. Trevor sent me to explain why you have to put the thought of him aside. Oh, you’ll keep him in your memory and your heart, but he wants you to have your life. It hurts him that you’re hurting.”
“I don’t want to hear this.”
“Because it means starting to give him up. It’s what he wants, Jane.”
“No, he loves me. He’d want—” He’d want her to have freedom and happiness and no chains. The gentle answer came drifting like a warm cloud out of nowhere.
“And he can’t have chains either. He has so much to do there.”
“There? Not here? You’re not with him in the great beyond?” she asked mockingly. “This hallucination needs proofing.”
“No, I’m not with him now. Close your eyes. Where am I, Jane?”
“Is this a game?” Jane closed her eyes. “I’ll play along. Sort of hide-and—”
She stiffened.
A presence.
Gentle.
Knowing.
“Here.”
Her eyes flew open. She swung her legs to the floor and jumped out of bed.
The next moment, she was out of the bedroom and running down the hall. Her heart was pounding. Open your mind and heart …
She threw open the porch door.
“Hello, Jane. I’ve been waiting for you a long time.”
The little red-haired girl sitting cross-legged on the porch swing smiled at her. “This will be much better. Now we can talk, and I can make you understand so many things.” She tilted her head, and her smile became luminous. “You do know who I am?”
Jane stared at her for an instant, as the shock and bewilderment faded away. “Yes, I know you.” She started toward her. No dream. No hallucination. Proof of Forever. Proof of Ever After. “You’re Bonnie.”