I decided it was time to end this whole strange period of my life, and I slowly walked towards the exit from the oak grove, intending to go to VDNKh.
I was near the road crossing when I saw the three young women coming out onto the asphalt. I thought that I would lose if I just walk up to them and ask my question.
I was not even close to them when the previously noticed girl addressed me somewhat rudely and formally by name (for the first time calling me “Evgeny”, and not “Zhenya”) and asked not to walk after her – but I did not walk after her!
Walking closer I politely said “здравствуйте!” (hi!), to which E replied with a sharp and rude “до свидания!” (bye!). If it was not for my acquaintances with Yana and Yulia, then perhaps I would have been upset by such an unfounded cold attitude towards me, given that I did not wish anyone anything bad – on the contrary, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to help other people to have a better and worthy a life…
Well, it really was E, but I did not recognize her at all, and from the surprise of the whole situation I even asked the girl if it was her – it was. Because of her unexpected rudeness, I suddenly did not feel like talking to her at all, but since I was there, I decided to say that I wanted to talk to her. E had no desire to speak with me. I said nothing more to her and slowly went for a walk around VDNKh.
I want to clarify that before E, only one girl out of hundreds told me a rude “bye!” to my “hi!”.
I remembered the words of my father, when a very long time ago he told me how he went to confess his love to a girl, and it turned out that she was not worth it – I think I had similar feelings towards E.
Well, it is important not only to find a girlfriend, but it is even more important to find a girlfriend who will not “gnaw” on your brains – this is a light version of what the married woman Katya told me a while ago in Gorky Park.
I would like to briefly clarify one point related to psychology. When addressing a person with a formal “you” (Вы), I usually feel a mental barrier and a feeling as if I and the interlocutor are separated by some distance, but after switching to an informal “you” (ты) I immediately psychologically feel the difference in how I perceive the interlocutor, and here I can already open up, feeling that the interlocutor and I are close and have normal, friendly communication – even if we may part after the conversation and never see each other again. When E addressed me as “Вы” – and we switched to “ты” almost immediately after we met – I took it as her disrespect for me; as a sign that she does not want to be close to me and is trying to distance herself from me – her free choice, of course.
Having touched on the topic of psychology, I will also add how during the summer of 2020 I would sometimes return to masturbation, and then on the same day I would go to the other end of the city where I would calmly walk, without experiencing any health problems. This again showed me that my early problems with cardiac arrhythmias and breathing after masturbation were associated with psychology and neurosis, and they happened, by and large, due to my worries and thoughts, which I myself chose to have in my head instead of quickly understanding at what moment I made a mistake that led to the unplanned masturbation, remembering it, and then just focusing my mind on the real material world.
And speaking about the mistake and unplanned masturbation, I deliberately chose to masturbate about once every two weeks while I do not have a girlfriend. In doing so I try to find a balance point between excessive masturbation and the absence of any sexual release at all. But I sometimes wonder if it is still a mistake not to quit masturbating completely.
After VDNKh, I had lunch and then went to Gorky Park where an interesting case of synchronicity occurred.
I saw a girl walking alone and decided to catch up with her. Once I was by her side, I told her about my desire to get to know her in case she does not have a boyfriend or husband.
She looked at me for a while and then said that firstly she needed water. I replied that the water kiosk was a few meters from us. The girl went into the rose garden, looked around, and said that earlier there was water there. Then the girl turned around and walked in the other direction – perhaps failing to catch what I told her about the kiosk.
Thinking that we were getting acquainted, I asked her name.
Veronica told it and then asked me a couple of questions about how I met [with girls]; whether I only approached single girls, or I also approached those who were not alone – I replied that sometimes I approached a group of girls, but only if they were not busy chatting with each other. This summer I decided to step out of my comfort zone even further in order to have a better chance of finding a girlfriend, and also to have a better chance of just chatting with someone and learning something new.
Then she started giving me advice to go and get to know all the dancers who danced on the dance floor by the Moscow River – not a good sign; but I still thought she had no one since she started talking to me after I asked her if she had a husband or boyfriend.
Then Veronica asked me if I was going to keep to “ходить за ней” (walk after her) – the very words that E told me a few hours earlier. Being a little puzzled, I asked Veronica if we were getting acquainted or not – to which she replied that she had a boyfriend, and that she had already told me about it. I mentioned that I asked her if she had someone and she did not tell me anything; but Veronica kept insisting on her words. I said goodbye to her.
I thought then, how interesting it was that on the same day two different girls told me the same thing, and in both cases both girls did not understand the whole situation, making me guilty in their own eyes. I do not think that I myself did anything wrong in both cases.
Then I remembered how a couple of days ago I had a conversation with a girl in the rose garden of Gorky Park. Both she and Veronica mentioned dancing. It made me wonder if Veronica could have been that same girl? If I was to assume that this is the case, there are several lessons to be learned.
Firstly, it was another sign that you should not be shy to take a good look at the girls you talk to. I sometimes thought that it is quite possible that I had already approached to meet the same girl several times, because I simply did not remember her appearance. This, in general, is not at all surprising, since girls often use different cosmetics, and also often change their hairstyles and clothes – the main reasons why I did not recognize E.
Secondly, this moment reminded me of the so-called first impression.
It may seem strange, and I am not sure myself what the exact reason is, but when I accidentally heard the girl in the rose garden talking on the phone and answering her interlocutor that she had not epilated the “oyster” yet, I started to be slightly repelled by that girl. This is odd considering my years of problematic experience with pornography. But despite my slight disgust, I still decided to talk to that girl when she finished talking on the phone, in order to learn something new for myself. She had a boyfriend, and in the further conversation she emphasized that the main thing is not to despair in search of a girlfriend.
As for Veronica, even after her words not to follow her, she still remains pretty for me in my memory. If Veronica and the girl from the rosary are really one and the same person, then one could conclude that one should not rely heavily on the first impression, but it is better to draw conclusions about a person based on several impressions after several meetings. By the way, the girl from the rosary was talking about the same when she told me that people can be in different moods on different days and segments of days, and finding a person at such a moment can lead to a completely wrong conclusion about him.
We continued to correspond with Yulia in WhatsApp. She had serious personal problems – her boyfriend beat her badly. I tried to cheer Yulia up and advised her to meditate and concentrate instead of using alcohol and cigarettes, which she began to lightly use to soothe the physical and psychological pain. She appreciated it.