I thought at that time that someone could love me for who I am, but then I realized that I myself could not accept myself with such an appearance. My plan was to stay bald forever, but I changed my mind, deciding to postpone the inevitable into the future. It was also painful to realize that it was unlikely that the girls I liked would want to be with me.
But there was something else dark in my life. When I read Thiaoouba Prophecy, I remember exactly how uncomfortable I felt when Thao started talking about a man who is a failure – someone repressed, frustrated, inhibited; someone ignored, who yearns for recognition. I felt uncomfortable then because I saw myself in many of the first words listed.
Thao then talked about sensationalist journalists who thoughtlessly broadcast a lot of violence, and sometimes even look for it in order to rise in the ranking. She mentioned the importance of applying psychology on television so that people with the aforementioned problems in life do not dare to take up arms and kill people in order to get to the front pages of newspapers, even posthumously. It is enough for news agencies to say just in one sentence about the occurred incident, without giving the name of the killer and other details, so as not to push another similar person to such savagery in search for his moment of “glory”.
Unfortunately, the journalists obviously did not listen to Thiaooubians, and new cases of mass shooting were taking place in the USA. Another time, I came across a story about a guy with “awkward social skills” who decided to kill a girl he liked and who was about to marry another guy. I felt sorry for the injured and the dead, although I knew that they would be reincarnated in a new body again, but I could not help but feel sympathy for the killers themselves, because every time I listened to TV reporters, I felt like they were talking about me – our life situations were so similar… I roughly understood what those people were going through in their lives…
Since my desire to move to the United States was over, or almost over, I was thinking about starting to look for a girlfriend. The pigeon partly helped me with this, as he found a new feathered female companion. If for Cesar Millan the dogs were teachers, then for me at that moment the pigeon was my teacher, whose damaged leg did not prevent him from living a full-fledged pigeon life in a big city.
I became very attached to my feathered friend. So much so that when he did not visit me for several days, I thought he was dead, and I got upset to tears. That night, I had a dream with Thao and the others. They said something about the pigeon, but I remember almost nothing. Then the pigeon flew back to my window, as if nothing had happened.
I was thinking of going to the center and maybe approaching some girl. But there was a problem. This is very ridiculous, but every time my physical and psychological state was restored enough for a trip to the city center, I again went to porn sites, telling myself that I was fine, I just need to continue to be focused on the present after the end of my self-satisfaction session. It was difficult to focus my mind, and this cycle was repeated again, again, and again, each time greatly worsening my health. I could not go anywhere to get to know anyone. I tried to go out after another regression, going farther and farther every day, but the result was always the same. I often asked back then why do other people feel normal after masturbation, while I should suffer so much? “Where's the justice?” – I thought again.
This health situation was very incomprehensible. When I was still working as a merchandiser, I sometimes had to run fast in order to be able to cross the street while the green light was on. I noticed then that I felt absolutely normal. Then, when I was no longer working, I ran around Cherkizovsky pond a couple of times; I ran about 2 kilometers per run. Everything was fine with my hearts too, and I could easily walk after a run. But as soon as I masturbated and got an orgasm – even if I did it very, very quickly, just to remove thoughts about sex from my head, and at the same time I wasted the least amount of physical strength – I immediately began to have heart problems, the rhythm of which began to be accelerated… I did not understand why. Internet searches also failed; I could only find the question of one person who had the same problems after masturbation as I did, but no one answered him anything useful…
Some time ago, I started watching Ancient Aliens. The first season seemed pretty good to me. Moreover, after many episodes I had unusual and rather mysterious dreams, many of which featured Thiaoouba and Thao.
In one dream, Thao told me that she died from poisoning after spraying gas in the middle of a crop field.
In another dream, Thao walked into the train carriage and then realized that it was too late (something bad happened). If I remember correctly, this realization came when the doors were closing.
There was another a dream, teaching about learning the basics of a computer program in order to use it the right way. At that time, I studied many computer programs, and I think that the dream was related to the fact that I immediately jumped to learning about the final functionality of those programs, and not learning about what lies at their basis – the foundation from which all the rest of the functionality is growing out. Having an understanding of the fundamental basis of something, we will be able to figure out and understand the principle of operation of everything that grows from that simple basis.
And another dream was different in that at the very end, when I climbed over the school fence, the picture stopped and three-dimensional words appeared in front of me. A male voice read them out loud: “The dream is coming soon. It is more upset than it is revealed”. Immediately I woke up, and after a second the noisy bank conditioners turned on. They would definitely wake me up since the noise was unbearable. By the way, I managed to get to the workwear shop on my street and buy construction headphones with good noise reduction; thanks to them, sleep has become much peaceful. As for the “coming dream,” it actually came during another night, and it really did not “reveal” much. But the reason for these dreams, as I think, was to show me that dreams that occur on different days can be the continuation of each other.
On the first of February 2011, I had a dream where I spoke with Thao, and when I asked her if it was her who helped me, she said that it was not (maybe she said that it was just a dream). Then I began to suspect that it was also a dream, and she was not the real Thao. I asked her to tell me about my Aura, expecting from her to answer that she sees black, but she said that the Aura was orange. In a dream, it was clear to me that she was not the real Thao, but when I woke up and looked up the meaning of the orange Aura, I discovered that it refers to sex and, like black, has a good connection to my essence.
I am writing about this dream because in the following months I had other dreams that featured the same beautiful girl with long blond hair, whom I considered Thao in those dreams, even though she was in a different body. In one dream the “other” Thao was sitting at the bench with me and with someone else. I think some guy started pestering her and I stood up for her, which cooled the bully, and the other Thao clearly noted my help. In another dream the same other Thao was in a dental clinic, and a female voice was telling me that people on all planets, no matter how depressed, take care of their health. This is not quite an accurate quote, since I did not record that dream at the time, but at that time I had a bad tooth, which I went to fill in a paid clinic long time ago. Caries formed on the side of my tooth next to other one, and I could not go to cure that tooth because of my health – once I started to lose consciousness on the dentist’s chair, which she fortunately noticed right away and gave me ammonia – and I was afraid that, due to poor health that I had at the time, I might get not well again.