As for the real Thao, there was another interesting dream in which she lived in a medieval European church. There were people covered in blood inside it, and they were afraid that I was a demon. They were looking for proof that I was not the demon, and when they got it, I walked inside and went to see Thao, interrupting her conversation with another man. They were both dressed in black clothes. We came back to the hall with people. Next we were going to go to a private room, and at that time an indecent thought about sex came out of my mind (in fact this was the same word that my classmate mentioned in the ninth grade), and Thao, having read it, fell silent, and the smile disappeared from her faces. We stayed with everyone else. Then, recalling my old dream about the dugout, I began to timidly ask her if werewolves actually exist. She said nothing and only frowned, lowering her eyes.
In another dream with Thao I “joked”, but she did not find it funny. The dream had to do with my habit of imagining different situations which, with my knowledge of the time, seemed normal, but in reality they were not.
I also had one single dream about Jesus. I only remember that I was sitting at a school desk in front of him, and I felt the same sense of awe that Michel Desmarquet had when he saw Thaora for the first time. I do not remember anything that was said in that dream, but I found the symbolism of the school theme where Jesus was a teacher.
When I finished watching the first season of the aforementioned program, I thought that I had learned a lot of new and interesting things since in general I liked the season. But then I started re-reading Thiaoouba Prophecy. I was slightly shocked at how much garbage was in my head after watching various programs about the unknown and ufology. That “knowledge” was essentially completely contrary to the truths in Michel Desmarquet's book. Self-cleaning took some time, and I decided that, firstly, I would try to remember better what is written in the book, and secondly, I would try not to read and watch anything that relates to the above topics. In fact, this was no longer necessary, since I already had knowledge thanks to my personal experience.
Another important point of those times was that the return to computer games led me to discover streaming platforms, on which people play video games and stream this process on the Internet live. Almost all streamer sites have chats. The first such website that I found was www.Goodgame.ru, which was created by a person with the nickname Miker, and, as it turned out later, he was also called a “бобр” (beaver) for some reason. Earlier, while still in school, my friends and I watched his WarCraft 3 VODs; we often played that videogame with each other over the network. Since not everyone had a computer and the Internet, quite often we would get together to play the game in my house when my mother was in the village. Then I found out about www.twitch.tv, but I began to watch it only after many years, which was strange since it was a great opportunity to be learning English.
Speaking of which, I still learned English by watching videos on YouTube. In addition to educational informative videos, I also watched video games.
There was one guy playing “Thief”. I liked to discover the story of the game, and I liked with what diligence and expression that youtuber read the text, and indeed was immersed in the game world, giving it his soul. After watching his walkthrough of two parts of that game, I decided to watch his walkthrough of a game called “Dead Space”, which he recorded some time after Thief. This time he was playing not alone, but with a company of other people. At first, I did not attach much importance to some weird “jokes”. But when that guy started saying some unflattering things about the female character in that game, calling her by different swear words and gesturing with the main character behind her butt, I lost all respect for that person. Naturally, this was not because he clearly spoke maliciously about a non-existent computer character, it was because by such behavior he showed his disrespect for all women. Just in case, I decided to check out his latest video – what if the presence of his friends contributed to his disgusting behavior? This can happen. But no. The last video had as much obscene language as I had never heard while learning English. And in all this, one could clearly feel the hatred and bitterness towards everyone and everything. I unsubscribed from him and thought about writing a comment about it, so that perhaps this would somehow help him to become the same normal and interesting person that he used to be. But I did not dare to do this, because at that time I began to worry more and more what others might think of me or tell me something negative.
Speaking of negativity, I remember how someone wrote me a very rude comment and I was literally shaking while writing my answer, trying to better clarify the situation. I do not remember exactly what preceded such a regression, but maybe that moment with the Indian girl subconsciously contributed to such negative changes, as well as another unpleasant event when I was telling with stupors about my life story to a person who approached to me in a square where I was sitting. When I turned my head, I realized that some man with a newspaper in his hands was laughing at me. It was very unpleasant and in the following years I sometimes fantasized about what I could have done to him if I had a weapon – it was wrong, and I doomed myself to even greater suffering with that fantasy. I did not want to have negativity in my life and I often tried to avoid it, even if it meant not to open social networks for a long time.
I do not know why this was happening at that time… I remember how often I asked my mother in early childhood whether she loved me and wanted her to pity me. Perhaps I just wanted love and care, but could not get it from people?
Returning to the video games, I came across channel of a youtuber that became popular after the walkthrough of “Dead Rising 2: Case Zero”, and since then I watched almost only him because he was similar to me in many things, and, most importantly, he was a kind and decent person. Of course, he also used “bad” words, but in his intonation there was no signs of anger, which made those words not so bad.
Watching streams was taking a lot of my time, and I almost completely stopped studying and working. I remember how I spent literally all summer watching a streamer try to play through Half-Life 2 without dying. Looking back, it was a terrible waste of time, but there is a reason for everything… The only shining moment was in the fact that I stopped holding the grudge against the first episode of that game, admitting that I was to blame for scarring my lip, and not the game, which is just a tool.
At school I was afraid of fights because my body could be damaged, but in fact I myself caused damage to myself due to my decisions…
That summer I almost completely gave up on myself, thinking that I would no longer have a normal life. I just spent my days awaiting death which, as I thought, could occur at any moment since I could not go anywhere due to severe cardiac arrhythmia. I was sick and I was very tired. For these reasons there was one moment when I was lying in bed, and I began to see a dark tunnel in front of my eyes. I wanted and tried to fly down it because I knew that my physical body would die and I would say goodbye to this life. But the vision of the tunnel passed, accompanied by some knocking sounds in my apartment which was a clear sign of the incorrectness of my desires.
Additionally, my health condition worsened due to the fact that the four air conditioners of the bank continued to make a lot of noise – more than ever. In addition to the air conditioners, a very strong buzz from the bank's ventilation devices was added. My earphones slightly suppressed the noise of the air conditioners, but that low-frequency rumble quietly passed through them. In addition to noise and hum, we also suffered from vibration passing from the floor. The reason was clearly the bank's air conditioners, since when the devices were turned off there was no vibration. We tried to place sponges for washing dishes and old magazines under the legs of the beds, but this did not help for long.