In fact, in my present life, I have only two obvious addictions that you already know about. Both, unlike alcohol, smoking and drugs, can only be activated by willpower, which eliminates the need to acquire something that could lead me to false and erroneous states of calm, fun, or pleasure. And for this reason, or because of the natural work of the imagination and sexual organs (if they are used when it is really needed and right) it was so hard for me to get rid of these two habits. But when I find the solution, I assume that most likely I will not have to deal with bad habits of this scale in this Universe in any of my future lives.
I should say that I am fully aware that not all dreams should be taken literally. As you will see later, I had dreams that could never be real. But given the synchronicity and uniqueness of some dreams – when I had the first and last false awakening, for example – I cannot just take and toss everything that was said in them aside. That would be unreasonable. By the way, Michel had a true dream on Thiaoouba, and it showed real things using abstraction.
I want to briefly talk about another dream that I had on November 23, 2015. In the dream, I and other people were on a spaceship. We were wearing spacesuits, and we were preparing to go into outer space, as I heard knocks on the hatch. I asked if everyone heard this? This was strange as I knew that there was nothing but a vacuum behind the hatch. There were other knocks in other parts of the ship too. I saw this as a warning. The hatch was open, and something went wrong with the spacesuits. The whole chamber was depressurized and the same thing happened with the costumes of all people except mine. I quickly began to seal the room, and when this was done, I thought whom to help first? The medic seemed the right decision. I managed to resurrect her – a young blonde. Then I started trying to resurrect a woman with black hair. Because I was in a hurry, I did not use all the equipment that I used for the blonde. Some device behind the girl’s neck was supposed to bring her back to life. I pressed the button several times, but nothing. The blonde then said: “It’s only you and me now, Zhenya”. The moment that she said this, she looked at me and threw herself to hug me. It was so unexpected that I got a bit scared and woke up…
I can find several parallels between this dream and events that happened a few years later…
As for work, all summer of 2015 I was making a website where I collected all the grammar rules of the English language. I translated everything into Russian and had two versions of the website in two languages. I was able to get an AdSense account using my website and placed ad units on it.
Once I had a dream that said that there was something wrong with the advertisement. Having visited my website, I really saw a problem with displaying ads which could result in my ban on AdSense if I did not fix it.
After many months, I earned less than a dollar. It is quite understandable, since there are lots of similar websites that teach the same rules. I closed my website for obvious reasons.
But my experience was not a failure, as I learned from my own experience that money is the main evil of our planet. It was very clear that in a rational world there should have been only one website teaching people English, for example. It would be written by several experts, and people could ask their questions on the website’s forum. As for all those hundreds of thousands of people who would be left without work? In a rational world, they would do other work together with other people, which would reduce the overall working day for the whole society. I will talk about this in more detail in the Manifesto of this book.
As for my daily life, on June 25, 2016, I decided to buy licensed copies of the three parts of the videogame Dark Souls which I played for a long time – too long.
When I first clicked the “Play” button on Steam, I clearly told myself that I would not swear and have bad emotions – no matter what happens in this game. For a long time, I knew very well what this series of games was famous for, since I watched streams and played it myself before.
I think that subconsciously I wanted to die. I have never yelled in my life the way I yelled that summer. And I would scream with all possible strength even at the slightest irritant. I felt sick, but I continued to strive to get all the achievements in those games – before that I had already wasted time getting all the achievements in StarCraft 2. I calmed down only when someone with all his strength started pounding on my apartment’s wooden front door. I was afraid that it was the police, but it was my neighbor.
That neighbor lived in our house for several years and made his presence felt when he turned on the TV at full volume because he did not want to hear footsteps in the upper apartment. Then he screamed at nights, not letting people sleep. In fact, he still screams, wishing death to the neighbor’s daughter from the apartment above… he clearly does not know about the Universal Law… however, how can he know it if religions distorted the simplicity of many truths of life over time? Have I done something to help him? Well, I asked him not to swear and let people sleep, but he does not care.
It is good that my hearing protector, headphones with good noise-reduction, allow me not to hear him or other neighbors having sex. Speaking about the latter, there was a time that due to lack of sleep I had to smash their door peephole with a hammer, because they clearly did not understand that the knock of the bed against the wall in the middle of the night was heard throughout the house. It helped, but I believe that such an action was still a mistake on my part. Why could I just not go and talk to them? I think that psychology played a role, since I already spoke with them when the noisy neighbor appeared – the girl was more than my type, and the guy was the one whom I was no longer. Simply put, at that time it would be humiliating for me to ask beautiful, young, and healthy people to have more quietly what I did not have and did not foresee.
The very theme of the absence of a girlfriend, love, and sex, as well as the accompanying thoughts that I might have none of this for the rest of my life, more than once killed almost all my motivation to study and work. I often felt bad at heart, and sometimes my existence seemed meaningless…
Returning to videogames and neighbors, in general I started trying to relax after a wild period in my life…
***
At the end of summer, my father got very drunk in the village. Mom did not allow him to stay at home while he was drunk, and he drove to the neighboring village to my mother’s sister. There he encountered a patrol of policemen. They deprived my dad of his driver’s license and then helped him to get to the house of my mon’s sister.
Then the drunk father broke his foot by stepping into a pit in the dark.
An ambulance took him to a local hospital, from where dad’s friends helped to transport him to a Moscow hospital. He called me to bring some food.
Fortunately for me, the hospital was not too far from my house. I often walked in that area. But it was still not easy for me to walk to the hospital, and I wanted to get out of the ward my father was in as soon as possible because I did not feel well.
After a while, dad was released from the hospital, and his friend took him home by car.
Father asked me to bring him food. He did not have money to ask the neighbors.
Even though I just needed to catch a trolleybus or bus, it was a real challenge for me. I felt terrible and could barely walk in my neighborhood. I remember how I sat on a bench near the trolleybus stop, thinking how I came to this? From a long time ago, I had all the necessary knowledge to lead a happy, healthy existence. Why did I keep letting my habits shape my life? I do not know in which once I again decided that I should try to live without masturbation and fantasies. The sick father had nothing to eat, and I could not even bring him food.