I remembered how easily my health would get restored whenever I relaxed and focused on the present. I decided that come what may, and I just got on the bus, trying to remove all of the appearing doubts and fears by focusing on what was happening in reality. But it was not without problems, as the bus turned onto another road.
I had to go back to a bus stop since I got on a wrong bus. My father called to find out why it was taking me so long.
In the end, I drove to his house and bought everything he needed. I was riding back in a relatively normal health condition. The fact that with every second I was getting closer and closer to home also helped calm me down.
***
At the end of October, I was returning home from a walk. But at home I was met by the unbearable noise of a hammer drill, coming from the neighbors. I decided to go outside on the street again. When I was exiting my apartment, I looked to the side and saw how at that very time a very beautiful girl with blond hair cut to the shoulders was leaving the apartment further down the corridor. The thought of talking to her flashed through me, but instead I quickly walked down the corridor to the door. I heard her quick footsteps right behind me. We just as quickly went down the stairs and headed for the front door. I opened the door and, stepping outside, kept it open for the young woman. Then our eyes met, and when she said in her gentle voice “Thank you!”, I realized that I was falling in love with her at first sight. For some time, I watched her walk away, noting her figure.
Taking a walk, I thought to wait at the stairs for her return home to try to get to know each other. But I never got to see her.
The other day, before going down the stairs for another walk, I decided to stand for a while at the window next to the stairs and the door to the corridor. A few minutes later the same door opened from where the girl came out the day earlier, and now I could not help but think about her. As the figure was approaching the door, I realized that it was a man. I said hello, and he answered mutually.
Everything was clear. She had someone, and they lived together. But I still could not help but think about her and felt that I was in love with her. It was like insanity, but, to some extent, I was happy with this, since I had not fallen in love for a long time.
After a short time, I was returning home, and I saw that man driving up in his car to the entrance of our house.
When I was at the entrance door, he was carrying a baby and there was a woman with him. It was not at all the blonde girl with whom I was in love. I really do not like to speak badly about people, especially knowing the Laws of the Universe, but I will only say that not all modern men would pay attention to her. I opened the door and held it for them. He thanked me for that.
They all entered his apartment.
After some time, I heard our neighbor (the one with a dog) talking to someone. I found an excuse to look out into the corridor because my love, or infatuation, made me do strange things to get closer to the truth. I saw the neighbor talking to that woman I had seen earlier with the man and the baby.
For many days I could not think of anything except that blonde. In fact, I was thinking about her, being in love – or being obsessed – all of November. I knew how ridiculous it was to be in love with a person whom I saw only for a couple of seconds. But I could not do anything about it. Also, I could no longer run from my feelings and desires. I remembered perfectly the terrible consequences of me blocking Natasha in my memory. I could not do nothing yet again. After all, I was already 28 years old. There was nowhere to be putting off life.
Given the fact that the man had a wife with a child with whom they obviously lived together, I thought that the blonde was either a relative of one of them, or a friend. I had already realized that I could never see her again, and my love for her enveloped me more and more.
I rang their doorbell once, but no one opened me. I decided that I would get up early in the morning and ask the man about the girl when he would walk the dog, as he usually did.
I woke up and waited for the man to exit. Instead, his wife came out with the dog. Well, I was always more comfortable talking to women than to men. When she walked into the entrance door, I, being already dressed, waited for the corridor door to open, and then I existed from my apartment. I quickly closed the front door with the key, took a deep breath, and hoping that the dog staring at me would not bite me, asked the passing by woman about the blonde girl. The woman said that she was her daughter and continued walking. I quickly asked if she had anyone. The woman looked at me smiling and said that she was 14 years old. I immediately realized that there was some kind of mistake. That girl could not have been fourteen. I expressed my opinion. To this, the woman began to say that perhaps I had confused the apartment from which the blonde came out. This could not have been either.
If I was dressing up just to show that I “accidentally” met the woman, now I definitely needed to take a walk.
The very first thought that visited me was about a young and beautiful lover. Moreover, I had little doubt that the woman understood the same thing. But as I was reflecting on the known facts, I realized that this thought was ridiculous. Can you imagine how a man has sex with his lover while his wife is walking near the house with her infant? I could not also. But in that case it meant that the blonde girl was really fourteen… but I knew what I saw. No, there must be some kind of mistake!
In the evening, when I was at home and walked near the front door, I heard the family walk by, and the woman was telling her husband which apartment I was leaving in the morning, asking him if he knew me. Since she told him everything, it meant, as I supposed, that she was sure that there was no chance that her husband had a lover.
I thought about the whole situation again…
Walking outside approximately during December, I went to one of the quiet streets in my neighborhood. Going out onto the sidewalk, I saw a young woman in a dark blue jacket and black pants. She was walking her big black dog. I thought to go along the same sidewalk as the girl – where I usually walked – but her dog headed in my direction, pulling the leash tightly. The woman was of small stature and fragile, and I decided that should her dog decide to attack me, the woman may simply lose hold of it. I decided to go the other way.
The other day, I again saw the woman in blue. She quickly walked past me with her dog. I could not take a good look at the girl because of her hood. It became a little easier for me after that moment, as I began to see things clearly, seeing that the world did not revolve around one blonde girl. There were others. There is a choice.
But I still wanted to know the truth about who I really fell in love with at first sight. In fact, I was still in love. Sometimes I even began to wonder myself what if she was really fourteen years old… What if I just did not take a good enough look at her, or maybe the lack of communication with people in my life affected my ability to determine the age? I decided to check that by walking near local schools at three o’clock when high school students finished their classes. The girls looked to be clear teenagers, and I could easily say that they were of school age. Also I could not help but see the strangeness, if not absurdity, of my “investigation”, but I could not stop, as I had already been punished more than once for my passivity in the matter of love and personal life.
I often listened to music on YouTube before going to bed. The day when I fell asleep while still wearing headphones was no exception. I woke up at the very first chords of the song “She's Like the Wind” performed by Patrick Swayze. I have already seen this song more than once in the recommendations, but I could not click on it because it reminded me of the cancer, because of which the actor died, and which I could have had. I did not want to think about the bad stuff. But here came the moment when it was no longer possible to run from reality. Also, I could not help but think about the blonde for the whole time the song was playing. It was clear why I was awakened to this particular song. I think that my Higher Self woke me up so that I could learn something new for myself and improve my life.