This may be evidence that psychologically we truly remain what we were when our old physical body died. I used to think that by dying I could live in a new, beautiful, and healthy body. Due to my misunderstanding of the realities of life at that time, this was an erroneous thinking. Suicide will not save one from problems – it will only add new ones, and this will continue again and again until a person decides to start learning from what he needs to learn in his life.
The Cycle of Life
At one time I went to rest in Semenovsky Park, hoping to restore my health and nerves a little. I wanted to go down a path into the depths of the park, but I saw several dark figures who drank under an awning, and I decided to sit on a bench near the sidewalk. Soon I saw that those dark figures were three policemen who were walking along the path in my direction. Their faces were red, and I remembered how my father had the same face when he drank alcohol. The first two policemen passed me by, but the third one was looking intently at my passport, which I held in my hands so as not to be sitting on it. He asked me to show it. Two other policemen turned around. I asked about the reason for the search – the act that clearly caused irritation in the policeman. He said the standard answer was that I “looked like” the wanted person. But in that case why did the two other policemen calmly passed me by – I wonder now. But then I just gave my passport. After that he asked me to put everything out of my pockets. Due to my health, I felt unwell. He noticed this in my voice and behavior, and began to ask about the reasons. He touched my umbrella for a very long time. Then a passing by man stood up for me. The man showed the policemen the illegality of their actions, as they conducted the search without witnesses. The man was very persistent, and the policemen left.
This was the fourth time that the police asked me to show documents on the street.
The first case took place many years ago on the corner of my house. It went fine, and I was even amused that I was in a T-shirt and shorts, but the policemen still asked me as if I could have a grenade launcher with me. They also thoroughly checked all the slots of my wallet, since there was nothing else on me except the passport, which I began to carry with me ever since I began to have health problems – just in case.
The second case was much more serious. I was sick then, and I had a fever. We were running out of food, and mom could not go to the store due to poor health. I had to go myself, in spite of the cold winter and my illness. At the first entrance of my house, I saw three policemen coming out of it. One of them was staring at me and asked for the passport which I gave. It was a period when I spent a lot of time in myself, in my head, which made my whole body very tense. Because of this and my illness, I could barely speak. In fact, my jaw could hardly open. Plus, intense facial expressions caused by all my thoughts and feelings. The policemen thought that I was a drug addict, and they wanted to take me to the police station. Realizing then that I might simply not handle the pressure due to stress and die, I silently asked my Higher Self, Thao, Biastra, and Latoli to help me. In fact, the police began to take off my winter jacket for the search right in the cold. All this time I tried to tell them that I was sick. Passers-by saw all this, but continued to go their own way. Moreover, they were glancing at me, and not at what was happening next to me. Then the police decided to lead me into their police car for inspection. Inside, I was able to maintain my honor and dignity without showing them anything that they did not need to see. The time had come to show my left hand. When the policeman sitting to my left pointed to my obvious birthmarks and immediately called them needle shots, I realized what they really wanted. And then right after that thought, and I do not know why, but that policeman who was sitting by the wheel looked at my hands and said that they were birthmarks. They began to apologize for the incident and began to make excuses that they supposedly had to sometimes run after people in the street. But what did that have to do with me? I went on to the store, but this episode left me with a very unpleasant sediment.
For the third time, one policeman took it upon himself to check my documents when I came out from the entrance of my house. This time, the story was about the apartment thefts.
Thinking about all this, I could not help but recall one unusual for Russia case that happened when I was still working as a merchandiser. Most likely it was the Okhotny Ryad metro station where I was headed on the escalator from the passage from another line. I was standing and looking down when a man passed me by walking up the escalator. When he was on the same step with me, the man raised his jacket with his hands. The man had a white T-shirt, and with my peripheral vision I saw the outline of a gun sticking out of his pants behind him. When I turned my head in his direction, the jacket was already down, hiding what I might had seen. There were two policemen at the end of the escalator. I thought to tell them that I might had seen a gun behind that man, who was from the southern regions of the country, or maybe from other southern countries. But I was unsure. And then the man turned to face those two policemen and held his hand not far from his back, which made it impossible for me to point the finger at him. I say these things because I have realized now what happened. Then I still doubted what I saw. We took the subway train. I was still looking toward the man. His behavior was strange. He obviously looked cautiously around.
As you have already heard, all errors must be paid for by suffering. And so, I thought what if those episodes with the police were the very reckoning? Naturally, in the case of the second episode, I also paid for my fantasies and self-flagellation, which distorted my face so that I looked like a drug addict. The only question is whether that man in the subway committed a crime or not. If he shot someone, or simply committed some crime, then I will probably have to pay by much more serious and longer-term life situation than short negative and illegal searches on the street… I put up with this because I cannot change anything anymore.
But what did I need to do at that moment? I should have immediately approached the policemen to say that with my peripheral vision I saw something resembling a gun behind that man’s back – point him out either with my finger or with an oblique gaze, before the man turned to face the policemen. In case I missed this opportunity, I had to get out of the train with the man and go to the police post with my suspicion. Another option was just to call the police, tell them what I saw, describe the appearance of the man, and name the station where he got off – that is all. It was that simple.
But, as I said, I had my doubts then. And doubt was not unreasonable, since a couple of years ago I found out that in Russia it was impossible to buy a gun legally – which, in fact, speaks of the true nature of that person, but I did not see it then…
In the meantime, the end of July was approaching along with my 30th birthday. The man from my father’s ward called me again to express his concerns about dad’s condition and his treatment. Father himself had been in the hospital for several weeks, and I decided that I needed to go visit him after all. Mom recently visited dad, and said that according to her impression, he was feeling better, and he could even sit a bit on the bed.
I thought about going on Thursday, July 26th, but I was still feeling unwell. I decided to go to Sokolniki in order to gain confidence and definitely go to see my father on Friday – no matter what. In the park, I decided to go up to a woman who said that she was busy with something and added that this was the third time in that day that someone would come up to meet her. She laughed and did not understand what was happening due to the unusual situation. The time was about one o’clock in the afternoon.