We had to pay for father's debts on housing and communal services, and we thought about renting it. To do this, it was necessary to put the apartment in order, which was not at all easy.
I came to father’s apartment on a clear sunny day to clean the walls of the kitchen of old crumbling paint. While working, something distracted my attention, and I looked to my left towards the corridor. I saw a white translucent figure looking at me, and then it quickly “walked” sideways behind the wall of the small room. I realized that these were the very 19% of electrons that used to be part of my father. I was not scared, because I knew about the reasons for ghosts, but sometimes I would still glance around.
The other day, when I was already with my mother, who was helping clean the floor in the large room, I saw something white flowing along my right hand. I thought it was mom, but when I turned around, she was doing something by the wall, and her back was turned to the windows. These were again the electrons that are not part of the Astral body, and are separated from the physical body three days after the death of a person.
The other day, I worked in my father’s apartment alone. In the evening, when it was already dusk, I was about to leave. I turned on the light as I was changing into clean clothes in the small room. With lateral vision, I noticed how something dark and small moves in the corridor from right to left. I thought that it could be a neighbor's cat, who sometimes visited the apartment, but when I looked directly at the moving object, it became clear to me that it was a dark mass that disappeared behind the door. I got control over myself and calmly left.
After these experiences with this real ghost, it became very clear to me that the bright entity in the village was not a ghost.
After the death of my father, I often cried. Thinking about the reasons, I think that my emotions lashed out so much because of all the stupid things that I had to do all those years, in which I could live in a completely different way. Perhaps this would have affected my father, and he would not have drunk so much. After all, he once obeyed me and was sober on my birthday…
And so, my mother and I were in my father’s apartment, and again emotions and tears came flooding over me. I was in the corridor – in the very spot where months earlier I saw the dark mass – when I felt something cold touch a part of my left hand. I want to emphasize that it was part of the hand, and not the entire bare hand, which eliminates the draft…
While sorting out the apartment, we found father’s children's photographs. I regret that he never showed me them. I always knew my father as an adult and never imagined him as a child. These photos could help me understand and forgive dad much earlier.
I also noticed that my father began to go bald very early, and when I was born, he was already completely bald at his age of 29 years. There are two points here. Firstly, I used to be very worried about hair loss, but in fact my baldness was not so fast, and at thirty I still have some hair on my head. Secondly, I remembered how, as a child, my dad told me that when I was born, he was healthy (meaning that he had all his hair) – but the photos told the opposite… Looking back, I would have preferred if my dad just told me the truth, or did not say anything. His words did rather worse than better, as I started to believe that I would be fine in terms of appearance. Knowing what awaited me, I might have come to terms with it, and also tried to make better use of what I had in my youth.
I was recalling many events from my life, and one memory reminded me of one thing my father said. When I was in high school my computer broke down. To be precise, the power supply burned out after I punched the case. My father took the whole computer for repair, and then he got drunk. I called him and firmly demanded to bring my computer back. To this, he told me then: “Слушай ты, мудак…” (“Listen you, asshole…” is about the closest translation, but it is not the same on the emotional level for me) – this was the first and last time when dad told me something bad, and then I started to have a heavy hysterics, because I was very strongly offended by the fact that my father told me that. Mom then called him and scolded him. The bottom line is that the phrase “listen you…” followed by either an insulting word or nothing, was told me 3 times throughout my life: by my father, by the village friend, and by Thao.
Other than that, dad was always very kind to me. He was often happy to see me, and he was frequently smiling and joking.
I understood that father would one day live a new life in a new body. I hoped that he would have to suffer less than he had already suffered. It is a pity that he did not manage to overcome the habit of drinking alcohol, and even lying in the hospital asked the worker to bring him a drink. Naturally, she refused and then told everything to my mom.
I often started having dreams about my father. I do not even know if I ever once dreamed about him while he was alive.
In one dream, he asked me: “Why didn’t you go?”
Before that dream, I often recalled how long ago, when I was leaving the village with my father, maybe even for the last time, dad asked my mother and me if we would like to go by car to another city – Suzdal or something like that. Due to the fact that I dreamed of leaving for the USA and forgetting about everything and everyone, I did not have much desire to go somewhere, and my bad habit did not allow me to go physically either. And so I ask myself a question with tears in my eyes – for what purpose did I have to do all this nonsense?
Then there was a dream where I was told that my father was already born in a new body.
And then I had a dream where I was in his apartment and saw a woman and a man there. I knew that he was my former father in a new body. In the dream, I told him about it, but he did not recognize me. I knew that they drank, but not much, and my father did not spend weeks in bed being drunk. The man had a full head of dark hair, and the woman, as I knew, was his wife. In real life, father offered mother to get married, but she refused because there was an example of a failed marriage in front of her eyes, and she was afraid that the same thing could happen to her.
It reminded me of another unexpected thing that my father told me in my childhood. He suddenly told me about a young woman to whom he went to confess his love, and then it turned out that she was not worth it. Perhaps in his next life everything will be different…
Also dad told me once, when I already had problems with the desire to live, that “Water does not flow under a lying stone”. The saying was, of course, on point, but due to the fact that I was offended at heart at the incident with my mother, I did not want to follow his advice, since he would be right.
This is strange, but such things happen. There is one streamer who told on her stream that she married once just to hurt her ex-boyfriend, or something like that. Needless to say, she divorced and realized her mistake.
I also remembered how my father pulled me out of the snow in a ditch in front of a neighboring house in the village. I was then little and, while walking in the snow, fell into a hole formed at a large concrete pipe in the ditch. I tried to get out, but the snow only buried me more. I did not even have time to panic, as my father was already pulling me out of the snow prison, which in theory could become fatal. As it turned out, he was keeping an eye on me all the time.
Then there was a dream where I was in the village, and there was my father too. I knew that it was the next summer, and we were repairing the well. This was impossible, since dad was not alive.
That dream was a reference to my old dream with a mirror image telling me “I will never let you get out of yourself”. I often thought of that dream as of prophetic, but rather, it only warned me about what would happen if I continued to fantasize. In fact, I myself did not allow myself to get out from my mind – exactly like in the dream.