In the spring, after I finished translating the first two chapters of the book, I decided to finally start making videos for YouTube. I thought to tell in them about my spiritual experience and about what I was able to learn in this life. Naturally, I wanted to talk about Thiaoouba and the creation of the Universe. An interesting question came up with these videos which I knew many people would start asking – how can you know that this book is true, to talk about it as such on the whole Internet? For this reason, I had to write in the script for the video about my experience with Thao and other people from Thiaoouba. But then another obvious point arose that I would not only have to write my real name, and not a pseudonym, but also show myself on camera – earlier I talked about my experience only to friends and in the group on Facebook. Before that, I was thinking about creating a separate channel where I would anonymously upload videos, because I was still afraid of a possible negative reaction from the public.
My newly acquired understanding and knowledge helped me to overcome most of the psychological barriers, and I uploaded the video where I talked about the Universe and my personal experience. I no longer need a pseudonym’s protection.
Duality of Life
I continued to masturbate once a week, but thought about removing masturbation from my life forever. But it was difficult. Sometimes I even thought about quitting masturbation, but replacing it with going to prostitutes once a month. But I immediately realized that this would be a big step down for me, and moneywise I would have to spend about 10% of the annual profit for renting the apartment.
One of the asymmetries of my life was that I was upset by the thought that people had sex, neighbors, for example, and I did not, but at the same time I watched porn easily. I recently realized that the reason was that I differentiated the women by those who were porn actresses and those who were ordinary girls. For example, I would not watch how the girls whom I approached to meet on the street had sex with their boyfriends and husbands. That would hurt me. Girls who act in porn are the same girls as everyone else. The difference lies only in the accumulated spiritual and material knowledge. This awareness about my thinking has helped me a lot to stop wanting to go to porn sites, as well as it helped to be more relaxed about the fact that others have sexual relationships.
Here I can also write about how for a long time I did not look at Russian girls on porn sites, since such videos would start to open the veil, and I began to see who I was; that is, foreign porn actresses seemed to be someone very distant, but Russian girls could well live even on my street, and in theory I could even approach one of them to get acquainted. After I began to actively get to know girls and subsequently gradually eliminated some of my psychological problems, I no longer experienced psychological discomfort at the sight of Russian girls. But if we look at the whole porn situation sensibly and openly, then it does not matter where the girl is from, since it is in any case very humiliating to watch how some man copulates with a girl you like, and with whom you yourself, frankly speaking, want to have sex, but cannot.
In my further Internet searches, I found the NoFap forum.[20] It was again clear that I was not alone with this habit, and women too were not protected from it. I found some interesting things for myself. For example, people could stay for many years without masturbation and sex, and they were all well in health – one of the reasons why I refused to say goodbye to masturbation once and for all. Moreover, there were people who masturbated and would then stop, not bringing the matter to orgasm. Everything was fine with them too. The general idea was such that it was worth trusting the nature that will restore the health of the body and organs – unless the matter is so serious that you need to seek medical attention, of course.
But there were ideas that I did not agree with because of my own experience. For example, I do not think that it is necessary to count days without masturbation, or to make any plans at all, since during a relapse a person will feel bad psychologically, which happens to many people on that forum. This is a normal psychological response to failure. The fact is that there wouldn’t be any failure if the person set the goal simply not to masturbate as much as he can, and if he returns to the habit, he simply realizes the reasons that led him to this activity and tries to learn from this event, so as next time to try to make another choice. As they say, never say never.
This is what I did after many years of self-flagellation due to the fact that I continued to visit porn sites and masturbate from time to time. This attitude helped me a lot, and I no longer scold myself after relapses. Also, I usually do not feel very bad after them.
The very same philosophy should be applied to all aspects of our lives. It is worth living in a balanced way when a person lives in the present moment and aspires to something that interests him, but at the same time he does not create for himself grandiose goals that may never be achieved. This is important psychologically, because then it will not be possible to fail in an attempt to achieve the unattainable.
I also do not agree with the opinion of some people that it is necessary to remove everything related to porn and erotica from your life. It is our choice, what we do with the information that comes into our minds. A person can live either only in the present moment thanks to the five senses, or in his inner world, which can be memories, thoughts, or fantasies. Therefore, all that needs to be done at the sight of a naked girl is to maintain the focus on reality. Being one hundred percent in reality, there simply will be no room for extraneous thoughts about returning to masturbation. This is simple logic, and I know from experience that this position is true and works.
So, after a week of abstinence, I watched a documentary about porn, and I did not masturbate for many days after that. The reason for the next relapse were fantasies – as almost always happens in my case. But I am working on it and making progress.
In general, thanks to this forum, I again saw the power of the Internet and of the free exchange of knowledge. As for the negative information, it mainly exists because of the very evils that Thao spoke about: money, politicians, hallucinogenic drugs, journalists looking for sensations, and religions. I will talk in the Manifesto regarding what people could do to improve the lives of others and at the same time their own.
Some time ago I came across the term “Incel”, which means “involuntary celibates”. I never considered myself one of those people, even though this term describes me. Once I went to their website to broaden my horizons, and I immediately began to feel the negative atmosphere that I did not like at all. I never visited that website again. I hope that my experience will help some of them to find kindness and love in themselves.
I understand from my experience that those people want love. It was precisely because I wanted to give my love, but in return I got ridicule and negativity, I sometimes began to feel hatred for people, realizing in the process that there is indeed one step from love to hate.
Then I saw a video of one of these Incels. At the time I did not know who he was, but it became clear to me that he most likely committed a murder after recording his video. I stopped the video and found out on the Internet that it was so. Looking through the video, I saw that the person, just like me, sometimes went into his inner world – this was obvious, and this is what people often call “creepy”, something that gives shivers.
Even the slightest presence in one’s mind will be reflected in facial expressions, eyes, and in general behavior.
I knew then that this was one of the reasons why girls did not want to have anything in common with that guy who was quite handsome. All he had to do was learn to live in the present moment and work on himself, to grow as a person. Alas, the young man did not know what I knew, and he took with him seven innocent people (in relation to his unsuccessful attempts to find a girl).