During those seven months between AVN and my birthday, I felt like I was living in a cloud. My thinking slowly evolved during that time. I was technically living the dream, but what was once fulfilling became unfulfilling. That birthday was reflective for me. Birthdays are always like that for me. Evan always made my special day into his special day—a big party at a flashy club that was very showy with lots of presents, celebrity guests, and people I didn’t know. I once liked that, but I no longer do. My next birthday will be at my house with my family and a few close friends who truly care and love me, not “Tera Patrick, the porn star,” and who won’t be looking over my shoulder to see if a more interesting celebrity or connection is walking in.
I gave him an ultimatum. I did. I don’t care if that sounds bad; it’s what I had to do. I said to Evan, “I’m your wife and that is the strongest bond two people should have, and that should come first. I’ve moved on from porn. And I want you to stop. You promised me you’d only do porn for a few years. Your few years are up. It’s your porn career or me.”
(I haven’t shot a movie since 2006, when we put a ton of footage in the can. If you see a DVD dated 2007, 2008, or 2009, it was shot around 2006. The only porn I’ve done recently was a sex scene I did with Evan for his website in 2009, which was just my way of showing my undying love and support for him. )
“Listen,” I told him, early one morning in our Sherman Oaks house, “I love you. We’ve achieved so much. Look at what we’ve done. I will always love you. But I just want to put the marriage first. You know I’m not doing porn anymore. I’ve written this book as closure to that chapter of my life, and I’ve been inducted into the Hall of Fame, cementing ten years in this business, which is a good point to stop. I’m doing my Vegas burlesque show. I’m getting offers for reality shows. Life has gone on for me. I’m on to phase two of my life and career now. I’m done with phase one. I’m not turning my back on it. I’ll keep terapatrick.com and I want us to keep our baby, Teravision, alive. But you’re my husband. You are a rock star. I want you to pursue your music career instead of a porn career. You pursue music and mainstream acting, and I’ll pursue my new ventures.”
And he said, in typical Evan fashion, “Don’t give an ultimatum. No one will ever give me an ultimatum. I’m not going to quit. Why would I want to quit?”
I was surprised at his response. I truly thought the power of love would make him see the light. I would’ve done anything to keep him, but eventually I had to do what was right for me.
His goal was to become a porn star, and he got it. I realized I didn’t come first to him anymore, and that broke my heart. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to face. I took my Hello Kitty suitcase and my dogs Chopper and Mr. Big Time, packed them in the pink smart car Evan had given me on Valentine’s Day, and headed off. As I drove off, I started thinking, “OMG, my whole life sits in a safe in my Sherman Oaks home—all of my finances, my business papers, my security—and it is with him. I need my own safe. My own financial independence.”
“Where are you going?!” he screamed, running out the door and waving me down. And I said, “I’m going to be with my mother in Vegas.” He didn’t believe that I could drive those 280 miles to Las Vegas by myself because I had never done it before, but I did it. It felt like a Thelma and Louise moment (just without the tragic ending). I cranked up Madonna’s “Jump” and Linkin Park’s “In the End” and drove and cried the whole way to Vegas, never looking back. And that is when I felt truly empowered and free. For once I was not afraid to be alone. I knew I could do this. Hell, it was Evan who had helped me get strong. I made up my mind and stuck to it and soon filed for divorce. As fate would have it, I filed for divorce on September 4, 2009, which was the seventh anniversary of our first official date. Though it was my choice, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t devastated. I so wanted him to tell me he would quit and put me first. I so wanted him to tell me he loved me and would do anything for me. But he didn’t and that will forever hurt.
My mom and sister really got me through this. You don’t love a man for seven years and not have doubts. I reflected on our life together over tears with Mom and Sis in my Vegas house for weeks. I truly thought we had the game plan down and I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought past through the days I tried to kill myself, through the dark days of Digital Playground. I remembered all of that and in my heart I remember feeling he was the only one who would hold me, the only one who would love me, and now all I could think about was “How did it get to this?” That’s what I agonized over. I knew it was over, but I thought, "How did I get here? How did this happen? Why can’t love keep people together? Why wasn’t my love enough to keep him with me? Why was porn so much more important to him than me?
Finally, I would wake up in my bed in Vegas every morning, look to my mom and say, “Mom, I’m happy to be here. This is where I truly belong: in Vegas with you, starting a new chapter in my life.” I never looked back. I realized I had been slowly falling out of love with him this past year and lost all respect for him. That said, I woke up for many mornings during this transitional time feeling a little unsure of my future, but the one thing I was 100 percent sure of was that I was making the right decision.
My mom said to me, “If you want to go back to him, I won’t judge you. Whatever you want to do, I’m here for you. You may take him back ten more times. You may go through this for six more months. Hell, you may be back with him by the time this book is out. But just know that you can do this. You can live on your own. The days of making sacrifices are over for you. And he woke that up in you. He took you on a wonderful journey and now you’re on another journey.”
She was a strong base of support and nonjudgmental guidance, and that’s what I needed. I didn’t want to hear “He’s an asshole. You should’ve done this a long time ago.” I’m sure lots of people thought that, but it’s not helpful or fair to our marriage or to Evan, and it disrespects me. I can’t and won’t dismiss what we had.
My sister Debra was by my side too. She’s my new assistant and is helping me with my new ventures. Ever since Debra and I were little girls, she has taken care of me. She is the caretaker, and that’s how she helped me get through this part of my life. When we were young and I was going through a tough time, she knew exactly how to cheer me up: grilled cheese sandwiches. Debra’s are the best. We ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches during this time. Debra has been my rock throughout my life and the one constant family member who has been there for me.
I think the most liberating feeling I’ve had day-to-day is waking up in my house in Las Vegas, being in a whole new city, and thinking, “Wow, I own everything in this house. I worked for this. This is all mine. It’s not his and mine. It’s mine.” I love that I’m on my own now. It’s such a liberating feeling. I’m so much happier. Not to say there hasn’t been pain or that I wasn’t happy before. I was happy. You don’t stay with someone for seven years without there being true happiness. There’s so much passion between us—both in love and in hate. And don’t think for a second that our on-screen passion wasn’t real. It was. Evan was my favorite performer to work with. On a day-to-day basis, do I think of him? Of course I do. I think of him, but not in the same way as before. I guess I was going through this for a long time. I was slowly waking up every day thinking, “Hmmm, what’s going on? What’s happening?” And I finally figured it out.