She backed away, though he felt her need. She wanted to put her arms around him. God, what was she thinking? She should be raging at him. She should shout and scream the place down. He’d used her, and now he was throwing her away. How could she say that she loved him?
“Why?”
She turned, startled by the question. “Why what?”
Julian knew he was being cruel, but he had to try to understand. “You keep offering. Everyone has refused, Danielle. You’ve told me your story. I’ve heard it from Finn and Jackson, too. Everyone in this town has rejected you in one way or another, yet you just offer yourself again. Are you stupid? Is there something wrong with that brain of yours that you just love the ache that comes with rejection?”
Finn started to respond, anger clearly taking the forefront again, but Danielle held her hand out.
She brushed her hair back. “Maybe I am dumb, Julian, but I won’t stop. I won’t stop trying to love people. I won’t cut my heart out and store it somewhere because life’s been crappy. If I do that, then all the people who stomped on me get to win. You taught me so much. You taught me that the world is a way bigger place than I ever thought it was. I want to know it, and I don’t just mean places and other people. I need to know me. If I spend the rest of my life closing myself off, I’ll never do that. As for loving you, well, it’s way more important to love than to be loved. Loving people makes us better, even when it’s not returned. So I’ll love you till the day I die, but I won’t stop living for you.”
Julian felt numb. Danielle was younger than him, with so little life experience, and yet she understood things he hadn’t begun to comprehend. Things he didn’t want to comprehend. They deserved better, he told himself. He wouldn’t change. He would simply put them under a contract, and after awhile they would just be slaves. He would never change.
Jackson shook his head as though disappointed. He put his hands on Danielle’s shoulders and looked down at her. He was in full-on Dom mode, and it raised Julian’s hackles.
“Dani, don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of you and Finn. I’ll make sure you get everything you need,” Jackson said.
Finn stepped up. “No, Sir. I appreciate that, truly I do, and I would love to be able to call you if we need something, but I’m responsible for her now, and she’s responsible for me. We’ll be fine. I’ve been reading up, and I think I can be what she needs. I can be a…what do they call it? A switch.”
Jackson stood back. “You’re wrong. A switch is just someone who likes to both top and bottom. What you’re talking about is something different. You’re talking about doing whatever it takes to love a woman. We call that a husband, Finn.”
Finn took Danielle into his arms, and she buried her head in his neck. Her chest heaved up and down.
Julian brushed past Jackson on his way down the stairs. He’d been frozen in place before, but now he couldn’t move fast enough. He ran down the stairs. He couldn’t breathe. The sight of Danielle and Finn clinging to each other made him ache in a way he’d never thought possible.
The door slammed behind him, and he dragged long breaths into his lungs, but it didn’t help.
Distance. He needed distance. Once he was back in his condo, he would find his balance again. He needed normalcy. He needed control.
He needed his car.
“Take my truck.” Jackson stood in the doorway. He tossed the keys to his big black truck at Julian’s chest. They hit him and then the dirt at his feet. “It’ll take hours to get your car back. When the police are done with it, I’ll have someone drive it to you, or hell, you’re not attached to anything. You can just buy a new one.”
There was a derisiveness to the younger man’s tone that normally would have set Julian off. Now all he could think was that he deserved it. He reached down to pick up the keys as Jackson walked into the house.
Julian stared after him. Jackson would walk in and soon he would be surrounded by his family. He would be enveloped in their warmth. Abigail and Samuel would open their arms to him. Jackson had once told him that Doms all too often forgot their subs owed them comfort, too.
How long had it been since arms had wound around him seeking nothing more than to comfort him? He’d treated his slaves as something to show off, something to prove his status. He’d never once lost himself in one’s arms.
Until Danielle.
God, some of the sex he’d had with her had been so vanilla. It hadn’t been sex at all. He’d made love to her. He’d taken her with no protection. He might have made a baby with her. It was unlikely, but he’d taken the chance.
If he let her go, she would move on. Her heart was strong, stronger than any he’d known. She would build a life with Finn, and Julian would be on the outside, forever staring in. They would have a family, raise children. Perhaps they would even find another Dom.
And Julian? He could see his life, too. He would go on as he always had. He would play the generous benefactor. He would give of his money, sometimes his body. He would let his heart rot because it was a useless, dangerous thing. He would let those moments when he’d been abused and neglected rob him of everything that could have healed the hurt.
Rules. He had so many of them. Jackson always told him that his rules would keep him from something good someday. Julian’s rules stated plainly that it was time to walk away. He stared at the guesthouse where he was sure Finn was holding Danielle while she cried. Rules and contracts. That was what his life came down to.
Those rules were his safe word. He’d been screaming his fucking safe word for twenty years. Could he stop? He thought he couldn’t change, but hadn’t he changed already?
There was something wet on his cheek, sliding down toward his mouth. He brushed it off and then gazed at his own hand. Tears. He was fucking crying. More and more rolled down his skin. Another broken rule.
He’d begged. He’d pleaded. He was crying. All broken rules. He had two choices. He could get into that truck and drive home and pull all those rules around him like a protective sheath. Or he could walk back into that house and be with them. He could be as brave as his Danielle, as steadfast as his Finn. He could sink into them and let them be a balm to his wounds.
If something happened down the line, at least he would know he’d loved them. At least he would know that he’d lived.
He dropped the keys in the dirt, left his case behind and, tears blurring the world around him, walked back into the house.
Chapter Twenty
Finn’s lips were soft against her cheek. His arms hadn’t left her since that minute when Julian had walked out. Dani took a deep breath and relaxed against him, his strength and the warmth of his body a comfort to her. He sat on the bed, cradling her gently. She closed her eyes, but she could still see the horrors of the day.
Finn’s arms tightened as she shivered. “You still scared, baby? It’s okay. Nobody’s going to blame you. You just need to know that I won’t let anything happen to you. I swear, I’m going to watch you like a hawk from now on.”
She nodded because she was going to watch him, too. She would worry about Julian because he wouldn’t let her watch him. She wondered how far down the road Julian had gotten. How many miles separated them?
“You’ll see, baby, it’s going to be better when we get home. My condo is nice, but if you don’t like it, we’ll move. We’ll find someplace that suits us.” Finn seemed willing to talk about anything but the fact that Julian was currently driving away from them. “And if you need to talk to someone, I can find a good shrink. I’ll go with you.”
She shook her head. She didn’t need a shrink. She needed Julian, but that wasn’t going to happen. The whole time she’d been in the hospital all she could think about was the blank expression on his face. It didn’t fool her at all. He hadn’t been unaffected. He’d been a ball of emotion, but he would never show it.