The Father. I don't dare contradict you, sir; but, believe me, it is a terrible suffering for us who are as we are, with these bodies of ours, these features to see . . .
The Manager [cutting him short and out of patience ]. Good heavens! The make-up will remedy all that, man, the make-up . . .
The Father. Maybe. But the voice, the gestures . . .
The Manager. Now, look here! On the stage, you as yourself, cannot exist. The actor here acts you, and that's an end to it!
The Father. I understand. And now I think I see why our author who conceived us as we are, all alive, didn't want to put us on the stage after all. I haven't the least desire to offend your actors. Far from it! But when I think that I am to be acted by . . . I don't know by whom . . .
Leading Man [on his dignity ]. By me, if you've no objection!
The Father [humbly, melliflously ]. Honored, I assure you, sir. [Bows. ] Still, I must say that try as this gentleman may, with all his good will and wonderful art, to absorb me into himself . . .
Leading Man. Oh chuck it! "wonderful art!" withdraw that, please!
The Father. The performance he will give, even doing his best with make-up to look like me . . .
Leading Man. It will certainly be a bit difficult! [The ACTORS laugh. ]
The Father. Exactly! It will be difficult to act me as I really am. The effect will be rather – apart from the make-up – according as to how he supposes I am, as he senses me – if he does sense me – and not as I inside of myself feel myself to be. It seems to me then that account should be taken of this by everyone whose duty it may become to criticize us . . .
The Manager. Heavens! The man's starting to think about the critics now! Let them say what they like. It's up to us to put on the play if we can. [Looking around. ] Come on! Come on! Is the stage set? [To the ACTORS and CHARACTERS.] Stand back – stand back! Let me see, and don't let's lose any more time! [To the STEP-DAUGHTER.] Is it all right as it is now?
The Step-Daughter. Well, to tell the truth, I don't recognize the scene.
The Manager. My dear lady, you can't possibly suppose that we can construct that shop of Madame Pace piece by piece here? [To the FATHER.] You said a white room with flowered wall paper, didn't you?
The Father. Yes.
The Manager. Well then. We've got the furniture right more or less. Bring that little table a bit further forward. [The STAGE HANDS obey the order. To PROPERTY MAN.] You go and find an envelope, if possible, a pale blue one; and give it to that gentleman. [Indicates FATHER.]
Property Man. An ordinary envelope?
Manager and Father. yes, yes, an ordinary envelope.
Property Man. At once, sir. [Exit. ]
The Manager. Ready, everyone! First scene – the Young Lady. [The LEADING LADY comes forward. ] No, no, you must wait. I meant her [Indicating the STEP-DAUGHTER.] You just watch -
The Step-Daughter [adding at once ]. How I shall play it, how I shall live it! . . .
Leading Lady[offended ]. I shall live it also, you may be sure, as soon as I begin!
The Manager [with his hands to his head ]. Ladies and gentlemen, if you please! No more useless discussions! Scene I: the young lady with Madame Pace: Oh! [Looks around as if lost. ] And this Madame Pace, where is she?
The Father. She isn't with us, sir.
The Manager. Then what the devil's to be done?
The Father. But she is alive too.
The Manager. Yes, but where is she?
The Father. One minute. Let me speak! [Turning to the ACTRESSES.] If these ladies would be so good as to give me their hats for a moment . . .
The Actresses [half surprised, half laughing, in chorus ]. What?
Why?
Our hats?
What does he say?
The Manager. What are you going to do with the ladies' hats? [The ACTORS laugh. ]
The Father. Oh nothing. I just want to put them on these pegs for a moment. And one of the ladies will be so kind as to take off her mantle . . .
The Actors. Oh, what d'you think of that?
Only the mantle?
He must be mad.
Some Actresses. But why?
Mantles as well?
The Father. To hang them up here for a moment. Please be so kind, will you?
The Actresses [taking off their hats, one or two also their cloaks, and going to hang them on the racks ]. After all, why not?
There you are!
This is really funny.
We've got to put them on show.
The Father. Exactly; just like that, on show.
The Manager. May we know why?
The Father. I'll tell you. Who knows if, by arranging the stage for her, she does not come here herself, attracted by the very articles of her trade? [Inviting the ACTORS to look towards the exit at back of stage. ] Look! Look!
[The door at the back of stage opens and MADAME PACE enters and takes a few steps forward. She is a fat, oldish woman with puffy oxygenated hair. She is rouged and powdered, dressed with a comical elegance in black silk. Round her waist is a long silver chain from which hangs a pair of scissors. The STEP-DAUGHTER runs over to her at once amid the stupor of the actors. ]
The Step-Daughter [turning towards her ]. There she is! There she is!
The Father [radiant ]. It's she! I said so, didn't I? There she is!
The Manager [conquering his surprise, and then becoming indignant ]. What sort of a trick is this?
Leading Man [almost at the same time ]. What's going to happen next?
Juvenile Lead. Where does she come from?
L'Ingénue. They've been holding her in reserve, I guess.
Leading Lady. A vulgar trick!
The Father [dominating the protests ]. Excuse me, all of you! Why are you so anxious to destroy in the name of a vulgar, commonplace sense of truth, this reality which comes to birth attracted and formed by the magic of the stage itself, which has indeed more right to live here than you, since it is much truer than you – if you don't mind my saying so? Which is the actress among you who is to play Madame Pace? Well, here is Madame Pace herself. And you will allow, I fancy, that the actress who acts her will be less true than this woman here, who is herself in person. You see my daughter recognized her and went over to her at once. Now you're going to witness the scene!
[But the scene between the STEP-DAUGHTER and MADAME PACE has already begun despite the protest of the actors and the reply of The FATHER. It has begun quietly, naturally, in a manner impossible for the stage. So when the actors, called to attention by The FATHER, turn round and see MADAME PACE, who has placed one hand under the STEP-DAUGHTER'S chin to raise her head, they observe her at first with great attention, but hearing her speak in an unintelligible manner their interest begins to wane. ]
The Manager. Well? Well?
Leading Man. What does she say?