Now I’m not so sure.
“He’s ugly to me. The asshole,” she mutters. “He hurts you, it’s like he’s hurt me, too.”
“I’ll get over it.” Her words touch me and I try not to fall apart and cry. She’s so sweet to take my side, even when I’m not one hundred percent in the right.
“There shouldn’t be anything you have to get over—you did. Nothing. Wrong.” Kelli slaps the top of my dresser, making the whole thing shake. Ikea may make decent furniture but it’s not that strong.
“See, that’s the thing. I did do something wrong. I didn’t tell him about my past, and to him, that was a lie,” I point out. “Plus, my dad had an affair with his mom.” I still can hardly wrap my head around it. Does Mom know? How many affairs did my father have? Was this the only one or were there others?
I’m guessing there were others but I don’t know. And I refuse to talk to him just to ask. Our communication has dropped off completely. It’s like they forgot all about me. What’s worse? I’m used to it.
Used to their shitty behavior.
So why does it hurt so much more when Tristan’s the one who’s being shitty?
It’s been three days since the Marc incident. I haven’t heard from Tristan since. No text, no call, no casual drop by the house, nothing. No one else has heard from him either. He went back home early for the holidays and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Guess that’s the end of us. Typical, that he can’t officially break up with me. But how do you break up a so-called relationship that wasn’t defined in the first place?
“That he would run away like a little boy and not even talk to you about everything is infuriating. And telling. He’s not ready for this kind of commitment.” Kelli makes a little growling noise and waves her hands at me in a shooing motion. “Get in the shower. Maybe we need to go find a bar. Soak our angry feelings in alcohol.”
I laugh and so does she but in an instant, my laughter turns to tears. And then she’s pulling me into her arms, whispering words of comfort as she holds me close. Repeating again and again that he’s not worth it—which just so happens to be Tristan’s favorite thing to say to me.
Just thinking of him saying those words only makes me cry harder.
“I don’t want to leave you here alone for Christmas,” she says when I finally compose myself and disentangle myself from her embrace.
I offer her a watery smile. “Conrad’s staying. And Steven invited us over to his parents for Christmas dinner, so I’ll be fine.” Steven has turned out to be a good friend.
The wistful expression on Kelli’s face is clear. “I’m jealous. I wish I was spending Christmas with my boyfriend.”
“I’ll fight off any and all girls who try to make a play for him,” I say solemnly.
She shakes her head. “What, his cousins at the family dinner? If he likes that sort of thing, then they can have him.”
“He likes you,” I tell her. I’m the envious one. Steven is solid. Not afraid of relationships. They’ve wasted no time. Kelli is his girlfriend and he has no qualms calling her that either.
“He really does,” she says softly. “I thought Tristan liked you too.”
“I think he did. But at the first sign of real trouble he cuts and runs. I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did.” Now I’m the one who sounds bitter, but I can’t help it.
If he’d stuck around, if he’d actually listened to me, then maybe I would’ve gotten through to him. But he threw up those walls. Pulled on that mask he’s so adept at wearing. Withdrew into himself and sent me on my way.
Clearly, he’s done. That he can turn it off that fast hurts. Before Marc interrupted us, he was being so sweet and fun. Spinning me out on the dance floor, the heated look in his eyes just for me. I’d felt connected to him, confident in our growing relationship. That he could let me go so easily…
“I’m taking a shower,” I tell Kelli as I gather up my clothes and start for the door. “Give me thirty minutes. Then let’s get out of here.”
Kelli raises a brow. “Starbucks or a bar?”
“A bar,” I tell her, feeling like a lush but I don’t care. I need a stiff drink. “It’s five o’clock somewhere right?”
“Where the hell are you, man?”
Gabe sounds like he’s far away, which he is. “Colorado. Vail.” I’m standing by my bedroom window, looking outside. My parents have a cabin here. Once I moved out, this is how they spend their Christmases now. It’s snowing like crazy and colder than fuck. But the shops in town are lit up like a Christmas village come to life and my mom calls their ten thousand square foot cabin “cozy”.
Whatever.
“You didn’t tell anyone where you were going.” His tone is accusatory and I feel bad. “You just picked up and left without a trace.”
“I’m sorry. I just—I had to get the hell out of there.”
Gabe’s quiet for a moment. “Did you just tell me you’re sorry?”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, don’t make a big deal about it, okay? Jesus.”
“Your girl is upset.”
I gnash my teeth together. “She’s not my girl.” I’ve done a lot of soul searching these last few days and I’ve come to a realization.
Though Alexandria may have done me wrong, I did wrong by her too. We’ve both fucked up this relationship before it even got a real chance. I don’t know if we can salvage it either.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to salvage it—or if she wants to fix it with me. She might hate me for all I know. She should. I’ve said it time and again. I don’t deserve her. Even after what she’s done, I know she’s better than me. She’s a good girl trying to make something out of her life. And I’m the bad guy who’s doing his best to burn his down.
“Can I tell you something? Man to man?” Gabe asks, his voice going low. Serious.
I brace myself. “Sure.” What else can I do but agree? He’s going to tell me whether I want to hear it or not.
“Lucy did the same thing to me, you know.” That’s right. I forgot. She did lie to him. From the moment they met she kept up a façade. “Only she told me all sorts of things. Made up an elaborate story that I bought. A story she thought I wanted to hear because she figured I wouldn’t accept her truth.”
“Weren’t you pissed?”
“I was fucking furious. There was so much more involved but…I couldn’t hold what she did to me against her forever. My love for her eventually won out.” Gabe pauses. “Maybe you should let your love for Alex win out.”
“I’m not in love with her,” I immediately start to say but Gabe interrupts me.
“Fine. You don’t love her. But you do care about her. Don’t deny it because we all know it’s true.” Gabe talks right over me when I start to protest. “What do you want more? Utter misery when you’re alone without her? Or having Alex in your life, making your days better? Which one are you going to choose?”
I close my eyes, struggling against his words. I spoke with my mom after I first arrived in Vail about her affair with Douglas McIntosh and she just blew it off like it was nothing, which in turn blew my fucking mind.
What’s done is done, she’d told me. I can’t erase the past but I can move on with my future.
Her words have hung with me ever since.
“People make mistakes,” Gabe continues. “We’re all idiots, just moving through life hoping to survive. But when you meet that idiot who’s your perfect match, don’t you want to go after her? Don’t you want to keep her in your life? Isn’t it better to be two idiots facing the world together than having to face it alone?”
“Did you just call yourself an idiot?” I joke but Gabe doesn’t respond. He’s waiting me out. Blowing out a harsh breath, I relent. “I don’t know what’s wrong or right anymore. Relationships suck.”