Suddenly there is a knock and the man whirls around and looks me straight in the eye. I almost die of fright. It is the High Commissioner. I hastily take out the tape and switch off the video player. For a couple of minutes I stand absolutely still, worried that a secret camera might be in action even in this room. Then I breathe deeply. Now I know how Colonel Taylor became The Man Who Knows. He has bugged the whole house and probably the whole High Commission.
He is a spy. But I'm not Steve Nolan from Spycatcher. I get 1,500 rupees a month, which I have totted up to 43,500 rupees in my red diary. And I don't want all this money to remain only in a diary. I want to touch the bundles of currency, feel the smooth surface of the crisp new notes. So I will keep my mouth shut. And smile whenever Sahib and Memsahib smile.
I call up Colonel Taylor on his cellphone number. 'I am sorry to disturb you, Sir, but there has been a robbery in the house. Jai has taken away the VCD player and the three-in-one. And he also broke into the Den.'
'What???'
'Yes, Sir. I am sorry, Sir.'
'Look, Thomas, this is what I want you to do. I want you to secure the Den immediately. Take out the broken padlock. You don't have to enter the room. Just put any lock on the door and do not allow anyone to enter it. It is very important that you don't call the police. If the alarm sounds, just punch in the following code on the keypad on the door: 0007. You got it? 0007 and it will stop. I am taking a flight back immediately and should be in Delhi by tomorrow afternoon, but till I arrive I want you to make sure that no one enters the Den. Have you understood?'
'Yes, Sir.'
Colonel Taylor returns to Delhi without even attending his mother's funeral. He rushes into the Den as soon as the taxi pulls up outside the house. He comes out looking relieved. 'Thank God, nothing has been taken from the room. Well done, Thomas. I knew I could rely on you.'
* * *
Over the next six months, my life slips back into the same groove as before. A new cook is hired who has not been within a thousand miles of Tihar Jail. Bhagwati is dismissed for taking the car without permission for a wedding in his family. Maggie's new boyfriend James is discovered and banned from entering the house. Roy is caught taking drugs and given a thrashing. Mrs Taylor and her husband continue to speak to each other with icy formality. Colonel Taylor, I presume, continues to meet Jeevan Kumar in lonely alleys and deserted car parks.
* * *
Maggie and Roy are playing Scrabble in the living room. They ask me to join them. I have learnt many new words playing this game with them, such as 'bingle' and 'brekkie' and 'chalkie' and 'dosh' and 'skite' and 'spunk'. Maggie always wins these games. Her vocabulary is really good.
She is the only one who knows eight-letter words and once she even made a nine-letter word. I am the worst. I make words like 'go' and 'eat' and 'sing' and 'last'. Once in a blue moon, I do get six- or seven-letter words, but I still end up with the least points. Sometimes I think Roy invites me as a third player just so that he doesn't come last. Today, my letters have not been good. Lots of Xs and Js and Ks and Ls. The game is about to end. Maggie has 203 points, Roy has 175 and I have 104. My last seven letters are G, P, E, E, S, A and I. I am thinking of making 'page' or 'see'.
Then Roy uses an O from one of Maggie's words to make 'on' and I latch on to it in a flash. I put E, S, P and I before O and A, G and E after N. 'Espionage'. That's a total of seventeen points, and triple that for putting it on a red square and add fifty points for using all seven tiles. 101 points.
Take that, Maggie!
* * *
I have been hovering around the phone all day. Maggie is expecting a call from James and she has instructed me to pick up the phone before her father does from the Den. The phone finally rings at seven-fifteen pm. I lift the receiver in a flash. But Colonel Taylor has already beaten me to it. 'Hello,' he says.
There is heavy breathing at the other end. Then Jeevan Kumar's voice floats over the static. 'Meet me tomorrow, Thursday, at eight pm at the Kwality Ice Cream Shop near India Gate. I have dynamite stuff.'
'Good,' says Colonel Taylor and disconnects the line.
Colonel Taylor sits with his stubby of Foster's in the living room, watching the latest episode of Spycatcher. This time Steve Nolan is in a real dilemma. He has discovered that his best friend, the one he went to college with, the one who was best man at his wedding, is a Commie spy. He is very sad. He doesn't know what to do. He sits in a bar in a dishevelled condition and drinks loads of whisky. Then the bartender tells him, 'It's a dirty world out there, but if no one agrees to do the washing, the whole country goes down the shit house.' Steve Nolan hears this and gets all charged up. He rushes to the Commie spy's house in his red Ferrari. 'You are a good man, doing a bad job,' he tells his friend, before taking out his gun. 'Friendship is important. But the country comes first. I am sorry,' he says and shoots him dead.
* * *
The next night a police jeep and an Ambassador car with flashing red lights come screeching to the house at ten pm. The same Inspector who arrested Ramu gets out, together with the Commissioner of Police. Colonel Taylor is with them, looking like Steve Nolan in the bar.
Within ten minutes, the High Commissioner also arrives, looking very grim. 'What's all this?' he asks the Police Chief. 'Why has Colonel Taylor been declared persona non grata and asked to leave within forty-eight hours by the Foreign Office?'
'Well, Your Excellency, we have evidence of your officer indulging in activities incompatible with his diplomatic status. I am afraid he will have to leave the country,' the Police Chief replies.
'But what's the charge against him?'
'We caught him red-handed taking sensitive and top-secret documents from a man by the name of Jeevan Kumar, who is a clerk in the Ministry of Defence.'
Colonel Taylor looks ashen. He doesn't say these Indians are bloody fibbers. He just stands in the middle of the drawing room with his head bowed.
The High Commissioner lets out a sigh. T must say this is the first time in my long career that any of my officers has been PNG'd. And believe me, Charles is no spy. But if he has to go, he has to go.' Then he takes the Police Chief aside. 'Mr Chopra, I have sent you many cases of Black Label over the years. Can you do me a favour and answer one question?'
'Sure.'
'Just for my information, can you tell me how did you come to know about Charles's meeting today? Did this fellow Kumar lead you to him?'
'Funny you should ask. It was not Jeevan Kumar. Quite the contrary, it was one of your own guys. Called up Inspector Tyagi this morning and told him to go to India Gate at eight pm to catch Colonel Taylor receiving some secret documents.'
'I don't believe it. How can you be so sure it was an Australian?'
Inspector Tyagi steps in. 'Well, Mr Ambassador, the accent was a dead give-away. The man said something like, "G'day maite, go to India Gaite, tonight at aite." I mean, only an Australian would speak like that, wouldn't he?'
* * *
The next day, Colonel Taylor leaves Delhi alone on a Qantas flight. Mrs Taylor and the kids will follow later. I am leaving the Taylors, too. With three keyrings, six T-shirts, thirty Australian Geographic magazines which I will sell to a kabariwalla. And 52,000 rupees. In crisp new notes.
I say my hooroos to the Taylor family. Roy behaves like a whacker. Since he started taking drugs he has kangaroos loose in the top paddock. Maggie's pashing James. And I am not worried about Mrs Taylor. With the HC around, I know she'll be apples. As for me, I'm off to meet Salim in Mumbai. It'll be a bonzer!