I shook my head. I didn’t need his approval for anything. It was a huge fuckin’ mistake coming here.
“You were nothing but a disappointment to us,” Dad spat. “Dropping out of school, fighting, stealing and dragging your sister into it? You ruined her.”
I ruined her. There it was as plain as day. Instead of blaming the man who attacked Vee, they were still pinning it all on me. They’d never forgive me for something that was out of my control. Maybe I did want their forgiveness. Maybe that’s what this really was all about.
“She never deserved what happened to her, and she didn’t deserve you leaving,” I yelled. “How could you do that to her?” I turned my attention to Mum who, being the submissive housewife she’d always been, was hiding behind my father. “How could you leave your own daughter? She needed you, and you abandoned her!”
But it was Dad who spoke for her. “You only have yourself to blame for that.”
“Can you hear yourself right now?” I cried. “Putting the blame on me for your shitty parenting?”
“We should’ve cast you off sooner,” he retorted. “You were a lost cause the moment you went to that school.”
He was talking about the first high school they’d enrolled me in, the shithole full of lower-class kids whose parents didn’t have the money to send them any place decent. I was bullied from day one, and in a hole like that, the only way to get out of the cycle was to fight back with your fists. I was a bad kid, but I’d lacked the father I needed to get me back on the straight and narrow. Dad’s idea of helping me was a fist to the side of the head. It didn’t take much imagination to know what happened next—I didn’t come home. Instead, I stayed out drinking, got into fights, and talked back. Punching on a kid who fought to stay afloat was not the way to pull him into line.
Anger like that needed to be channeled. That’s why I took to MMA like I had.
“What I didn’t need was a slap around the head,” I snapped. “I needed—”
“To fight like a little shit-headed delinquent?”
I curled my shaking hands into tight fists. “Discipline, Dad. Fucking discipline. Coach Miller gave me what you never could.”
Yeah, that’s right asshole, I thought. Andrew Miller was more of a father to me than you ever were.
He narrowed his eyes, and I could spot all the telltale signs of a man about to explode. After all, I was the same.
“I’m a good man now,” I said quietly, poking the beast I’d come from. “No thanks to you.”
“What you are,” he said thinly, “is a monster. Don’t you think I can’t see what’s inside of you? Darkness, anger and rage. You might have all the money in the world, but deep down, you’re still a pathetic failure. The monster never goes away, boy. You’re just like me.”
My mouth fell open in shock at the poison that dripped from his words, and his lips curled in satisfaction. He’d hit the nail right on the head. Everything I was afraid of had been dragged up to the surface and had been laid bare in front of the man I despised.
I craved control because deep down, I was afraid of losing it and never being able to come back. All the anger that lived inside of me would one day overflow, and who would I hurt the most? Ren. Ren, who I loved more than anything in the world. Ren, who I wanted to be mine and mine alone.
Dad looked me up and down and shook his head, tutting like I was a piece of stinking trash on his immaculate porch. My gaze flickered to Mum’s, and she shook her head. He’d never touched her in anger, not that I could remember, but she’d always been under his thumb. I wouldn’t find any hope with her either. Maybe Violet would find a scrap, but not me.
“We don’t have children,” Dad spat, and like a full stop to his declaration, he slammed the door in my face.
I stood there for what felt like an age before I turned and strode down the path away from the house. I felt sick. The kinda sick where I had to pause by the gutter and puke.
Sliding into the car, I slammed the door closed, my hands curling around the steering wheel and squeezing. I felt like punching something, but that would only make my father’s words one hundred percent true. I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted him to be a liar and a fraud. I hated him. I hated myself for even thinking for one second he’d changed.
I wasn’t a man. I was a failure. I didn’t even have the courage to ask Ren to marry me.
My father was right. Deep down, I was a monster whether I liked it or not. That shit was genetic. I didn’t have enough fingers to count how many times I’d lost it over the years, and one of those times, Ren had to put herself into the firing line to drag me back. I’d almost murdered a man, not once but twice. Intentionally. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her.
Gunning the engine, I drove back to Pulse, seething the entire way. I’d gone to find answers, but all I got was a reality check.
Eleven
Ren
The number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable.
I ended the call on my phone with a curse, chucking the stupid thing onto the desk. When I woke this morning, Ash was gone. The moment my eyes had opened, I knew he wasn’t there, and when I’d rolled over, it was to an empty bed. The sheets were cool, which meant he’d been gone for a while.
He had no meetings scheduled, and if he’d had someplace to go, he’d let me in on it. He also never switched off his phone, which was why I was currently so pissed. We always knew where each other was because until recently, there were no secrets between us.
Maybe there was a simple explanation and I was blowing it out of proportion, or maybe I was right on the money. He’d been jealous, distant and evasive, and despite all my questions and reassurances, I now knew that Ash was keeping something from me. Something more than that stupid proposal. Something a lot more troubling.
Checking the clock on the computer, I cursed again when I saw it was one in the afternoon.
Shoving away from the desk, I pushed out of the office and bounded down the stairs into the gym, which was in full swing. There were a couple of personal training sessions going on, a third of the cardio machines were occupied, a group of bodybuilders were spotting each other as they bench pressed, and in the far corner on the bags were Cole and Ryan.
Being their coach and all, Ash paid a lot of attention to those guys, and he would never leave them alone without something to do. If anyone knew where he might be, it would be that pair.
“Hey,” I called out as I approached them across the mats.
Cole was shouldering a bag as Ryan pummeled it with his fists, and they both straightened up at the sound of my voice.
“What’s up?” Ryan asked, flexing his fingers.
“Do you know where Ash has gone?”
“He said he had some personal shit to do,” Cole said. “Why? Didn’t he—”
“When did he say that?” I interrupted, not interested in his opinion of our relationship.
“He gave us our orders last night,” Cole drawled. I knew the guy had some issues with authority even though it was plain to see he thought the sun shone out of my evasive boyfriend’s asshole.
“Last night?” I narrowed my eyes, the hole getting deeper and deeper.
“Is something wrong?” Ryan asked, his voice full of genuine concern.
Curling my lip, I shot back, “If you see him, tell him to switch his phone the fuck on and come see me.”
Spinning on my heel, I stormed back the way I’d come, not knowing what to do. It really bloody hurt knowing that Ash was keeping something from me, and for once in my life, I didn’t know what to do about it.
All I could do was to go back to work and hope he turned up, so I went through the motions by helping out in the office until the new hire went home. With Violet in Sydney and me at Beat, we’d had to get someone on pretty quick. The business had grown more than Ash had anticipated and was way too much for either of us to handle on our own. Which was a good thing when it came down to it.