Yes, doctors tend to feel just a tad superior to the general public, but this is understandable. Doctors are generally smart people, the kind who were attending meetings of the National Honor Society while you were leaning out the study hall window seeing if you could spit on passing nuns. In college and medical school, doctors spend years associating with other smart people and learning complicated things like the location of the pituitary gland. When they get out, the last thing they feel like doing is consorting with a bunch of cretin patients, who not only have no idea where the pituitary gland is, but also are often sick besides.
So the important rule to remember when you’re dealing with a doctor is this: never tell him what you think the problem is, even if you’re absolutely certain. If you tell him what you think, he’ll become irritated and go out of his way to prove you’re wrong:
YOU: Doctor, I think I have suffered a knife wound to the stomach.
DOCTOR (sneering): Oh you do, do you? And what makes you think that?
YOU: Well, several hostile urban youths accosted me on the street and stuck a knife in my stomach. See? Here’s the knife handle, sticking out of my stomach.
DOCTOR (examining your foot): That could be caused by any number of conditions, such as an amalgamation of the pyloric valve or an interdiction of the right epistolary oracle. I’m going to send you to the hospital for some tests next week.
The phrase “send you to the hospital for some tests” is medical code for “drain all the blood out of your body.” Blood removal is the primary form of health care in the United States, and it has been ever since April 4, 1906, when the founder of the Mayo Clinic, Dr. Ted Clinic, happened to be cutting open diseased woodland creatures, as was his wont, and made an amazing discovery: all of the creatures contained blood. He concluded that blood must be a leading cause of disease, which is why today when you go into the hospital, various personnel are always lunging at you with needles. They are very conscientious about this because they don’t want to get a nasty note from the doctor (“3 P.M.—Patient still contains traces of blood! Let’s not let this happen again”).
If blood removal doesn’t work, they start taking out your organs. Usually they start with organs you have two of, such as kidneys, then move up to the really vital ones, so it’s very important that you convince the doctor you’re getting better while you still have a chance to survive:
DOCTOR: So! How are we feeling today?
YOU (hastily): Fine! Great! Never felt better!
DOCTOR (frowning at your chart): Really? Are you sure? Because I see by your chart here that you still have several organs left, and we could ...
YOU (staggering out of bed, trailing intravenous tubes): No! No! Look! I feel terrific! (You attempt a deep knee bend, then collapse in agony.)
DOCTOR: Okay, but I’ll be back to check on you in an hour.
Paying for Your Hospital Treatment
Always examine your hospital bill closely. It should look like this:
Aspirin tablet.
$11.05
Little Dixie cup for water to wash aspirin tablet down with
6.80
Water
31.80
Removal of childproof cap from aspirin bottle (Dr. Viewfinder)
460.00
Removal of little tuft of cotton from aspirin bottle (Dr. Beaner)
385.00
CAT scan from when Dr. Spinnaker thought he might have heard a little whistling noise in the patient’s chest that was probably nothing but You Always Want to Be Sure about These Things
87,354.50
Consultation among Dr. Spinnaker, Dr. Viewfinder, Dr. Beaner, Dr. Whelk, Dr. Pilsner, and Dr. Frackmeyer while they were peeing (per doctor)
275.00
Also Dr. Whelk mentioned it to Dr. Hogworth at the polo match
340.00
Gratuity
85.00
If, after examining the bill carefully, you feel satisfied that all the dollar amounts are lined up neatly on the right-hand side, you should submit it to your insurance company, which will, without even looking at it, send it back to you with a testy note telling you that you filled out the forms all wrong. This will give you time to sell your house and children to raise the cash you’ll need for when you finally get everything filled out right and the insurance company notifies you that the only thing you’re actually covered for is 60 percent of the Dixie cup.
Home Emergency First-Aid Chart to Be Kept Posted on the Bulletin Board underneath the Coupons That, If You Save Up Ten of Them, Get You a Free Medium Pizza
HOME EMERGENCY TREATMENT Decapitation. Elevate head; shriek for assistance. Victim has swallowed fabric softener. Induce vomiting by showing the victim a videotape of that speech Richard Nixon gave about his mother after he resigned. Victim has swallowed a can of chicken gumbo soup. So? What’s so bad about that? Victim has swallowed the actual can. Oh. Is this by any chance the same victim that swallowed the fabric softener? Boy, that victim has a real problem.
Chapter 12. Fitness Q And A
Fitness and the Expectant Mother
Q. I am currently pregnant to a considerable degree. Instead of trying to keep fit, may I just lounge around watching “Days of Our Lives” and reading Glamour Magazine?
A. No! These are the 80s, for God’s sake, and nobody is excused from being fit! Especially you expectant women! If you just let your body go during pregnancy, after the baby comes, you’re going to look as though a team of plastic surgeons have implanted a 35-pound mass of Wonder bread dough under the skin around your hips and thighs. But if you continue to care for your body, if you exercise regularly and maintain your muscle tone, the mass will have a much firmer consistency, like congealed rubber cement.
Of course, a pregnant woman can’t do the same exercises as a normal person. Most gynecologists, for example, frown on the pole vault after about the seventh month. But there are still some exercises that work very well for the mother-to-be, such as:
1. TRY TO TOUCH THE WALL. Stand in a relaxed fashion with your arms over your head and your abdominal area forming a large tissue mass directly between you and the wall. Now gradually lean forward until your arms touch the wall, if such a thing is possible, and then return to the full standing position.
2. TRY TO GET OUT OF A CAR. Have several burly friends somehow place you behind the wheel of a 1979 Chevrolet Chevette, or some equally absurd little car, then have them time you as you attempt to get out of it in such a way that your undergarments are not clearly visible from other planets. Eight minutes is the world’s record.
3. KNEE CLENCH. Go to a nice restaurant with friends and attempt to get all the way to the appetizers without going to the bathroom more than twice.
Q. What about fitness for the fetus?
A. You should indeed embark upon a rigorous program of fetal fitness, for otherwise the fetus will be born pasty and flabby and lacking in muscle definition, and in later life it may have trouble getting accepted by the better aerobic dancing institutes. Of course, getting the fetus to exercise is not easy, any more than teaching the fetus to read is easy, but if you truly are a Concerned Parent, you will find a way.