‘You made love to me as if you loved me,’ she whispered. ‘You made me feel…you made me feel as if I was part of you. And I gave myself to you. Not just my body, Luke Marriott, but myself. My love. My heart. And now…now you tell me that because of your damned past-because of an illness that’s robbed you of the ability to bear children-my love’s not enough.’
‘Nikki…’
Anger came then, as some sort of in-built defence against the pain. It gave her strength to lash out one more time. ‘You’ve got a damned nerve.’ Nikki’s eyes flashed fire. ‘You want me if I can bear your children, but not otherwise. What the hell does that make me, Luke Marriott?’
‘I know. It’s unfair…’
‘Too damned right it’s unfair.’
He shook his head. Luke’s hands came up as if to touch her and then fell away uselessly to his sides.
‘Nikki, my family is important…Look, it would be so easy to take you. To take what you’re offering. And then, in five years…Well, in five years, if my inability to have children were as important to me as it is now, we’d be in a real mess.’
‘Because it would hurt for me to have Amy, and your brothers and sisters to have children, and you not.’
‘Yes. Damn it, yes.’
‘And that’s more important than my love…’
‘Yes. No!’ Luke was as angry as Nikki now, his eyes almost black with frustration and fury. ‘It’s easy for you to say it’s not important…’
‘And if magically you could have children…what then…?’
He shook his head, the flash of anger slowly fading. ‘I don’t know,’ he said quietly. ‘Nikki, if I could have children with you…Oh, God, Nikki…’
‘So you’d want me as a mother to your children?’ Nikki’s voice was flat and lifeless. ‘But not otherwise.’
‘Nikki, that’s not what I’m saying.’
‘Well, it’s what it sounds like from here,’ Nikki spat. ‘It’s just as well you’re going, Luke Marriott. It’s just as well you’re getting out of my life. Because I think your cancer has done more damage than you know.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘You should,’ Nikki said bleakly. ‘I think…I think it’s destroyed your capacity to love.’
‘Nikki…’
‘Just go,’ she said.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE weeks that followed were desolate. Without Luke the house fell silent. Amy became once again a solemn child, and even Beattie forgot to sing as she did the housework.
Beattie watched her young employer with concern, her shrewd eyes taking in the tell-tale shadows on Nikki’s face. If she heard Nikki wandering the house late at night, or saw her lonely figure standing out by the swimming-pool staring at nothing for hours on end, she said nothing.
Somehow Nikki managed to work. Her results came through for her examinations-’a magnificent result’, the letter said. ‘Congratulations!’ She felt nothing. Nikki laid the letter aside and Beattie found it underneath a pile of advertising literature the following morning. Once more Beattie’s forehead wrinkled into a frown of concern but still she said nothing.
It was fortunate for Nikki’s sanity that there was plenty of work. She drove herself mercilessly, shoving aside the lethargy of early pregnancy. There was no time to think of the child she was carrying. She didn’t want to know.
And yet, in a way, she was intensely aware of the new life starting within her. It was a little of Luke left to her. The baby would bring Luke happiness when he heard, she knew. Once he knew he was not sterile he could find someone else-one of the women who had loved him when he was back in Cairns, or someone else-someone who’d be prepared to accept him on the terms he offered. A woman who wanted to be the mother of his children first…
The mother of Luke’s children…Nikki touched her still flat stomach self-consciously as she acknowledged herself as such. That was what she was whether she wanted it or not. The mother of Luke’s child. So why not accept the joy as well?
Because she wanted more. For once in her life, Nikki wanted to be loved for herself-wanted for herself-and if Luke didn’t want her on those terms, then she couldn’t let him near.
She began to plan the mechanics of the next few months as she went about her work. At about five months she would write to him care of the medical board, she thought-or care of the newspaper he wrote for. She would have to write before there was a possibility of his hearing via the medical grape-vine. It would be a formal little note, passing on the news of her condition and also letting him know it could make no difference to their relationship. Even if he came storming up here in another three months, then she must be strong enough to cope with that. She must be strong enough to tell him there was no place in her life for him.
‘Is there anything wrong, Doc?’
Nikki looked up swiftly from what she was doing. She was re-checking Jim Payne’s healing thumb. He had been released from hospital the week before, with no complications anticipated. It was healing beautifully, thanks to Luke’s expert care, and Nikki forced a smile.
‘Nothing’s wrong, Jim,’ she reassured him. ‘This is looking really good. You might have some residual stiffness, but I’ll give you some exercises to do once you get rid of the plaster and it’ll slowly get back to almost a hundred per cent.’
‘I meant-’ the young man frowned down at her ‘-I meant with you. You’re not…well, you’re not as cheerful as you used to be.’
‘I’m not a really cheerful person,’ Nikki told him, somewhat taken aback at his forthrightness.
‘You were when Doc Marriott was here.’
Nikki shook her head. The town would be talking about her and Luke, she knew. How much would the talk grow as her figure filled out?
‘It was good to have him here,’ she said simply. ‘He was a very skilled surgeon.’
‘Don’t I know it.’ Jim looked ruefully at his thumb. ‘I guess I’ll be grateful to him for the rest of my life.’
‘You haven’t heard from your mother?’ Nikki asked, trying to turn the subject.
‘Yeah.’
Nikki frowned. She picked up the scraps of the bandage she had been fixing and tossed them into the rubbish bin. ‘So what gives?’
The boy was silent for a moment, staring at his bandaged hand. ‘I dunno,’ he said at last.
‘You don’t know.’
Jim shook his head. He looked up. ‘Did you know I’m boarding at Sandra Mears’s? That’s…that’s why I was saying you were more cheerful when Doc Marriott was here. Sandra said you were. She reckoned…she reckoned you had something going between you.’
Nikki shook her head. ‘Sandra’s on the wrong track,’ she said tightly. Then she looked up. ‘How are you finding it at Sandra’s?’
‘It’s great. She’s a real good sort. And I like the kids.’
‘Mmm.’ Was this going to work? Nikki turned it over in her mind, replaying the conversation she’d had with Sandra the week before.
‘We advertised and Jim replied,’ she’d said happily. ‘And I’ve always felt sorry for Jimmy. I reckon he’s had almost as bad a deal as me.’
‘Do you think you can cope with the extra work?’ Nikki had frowned and Sandra had laughed.
‘I like housework,’ she’d grinned. ‘Call me daft if you like, but now I’ve a decent house to look after it’ll be no trouble. The kids like Jimmy and his board money will be handy-well, I’m going to start thinking we’re rich.’
So Nikki had smiled and agreed, knowing Jim was reluctant to go home to a father who didn’t seem to give a damn about his only son. But if Jim’s mother were to come…
‘She telephoned me in the hospital,’ Jim said slowly. ‘And…and she asked me to go to Brisbane to stay with her.’
‘Oh, Jim, that’s terrific.’