The two men stared at me, then exchanged glances.
"I don't quite get you, Boss," Guido said at last. "What do you want us to do with it?"
"I don't care and I don't want to know," I said. "I just want this money back in circulation within the kingdom. Spend it or give it to charity."
Just then an idea hit me.
"Better still, figure out some way of passing it around to those people who have been complaining that they can't pay their taxes."
Guido frowned and glanced at his cousin again.
"I dunno, Boss," he said carefully. "It don't seem right, somehow. I mean, we're supposed to be collectin' taxes from people ... not givin' it to them."
"What Guido means," Nunzio put in, "is that our speciality is extracting funds from people and institutions. Givin' it back is a little out of our line."
"Well then I guess it's about time you expanded your horizons," I said, unmoving. "Anyway, that's the assignment. Understand?"
"Yes, Boss," they chorused, still looking uneasy.
"And remember, not a word about this to the rest of the team."
"If you say so, Boss."
As I've said, the bag was heavy enough to have given me trouble carrying it, but Guido gathered it up easily with his one good hand, then stood hefting it for a moment.
"Umm ... Are you sure you want to do this, Boss?" he said. "It don't seem right, somehow. Most folks would have to work for a lifetime to earn this much money."
"That's my point," I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Never mind," I said. "I'm sure. Now do it. Okay?"
"Consider it done."
They didn't quite salute, but they drew themselves up and nodded before they headed for the door. I recalled they had been working with the army for a while, and guessed that it had rubbed off on them more than they realized.
After they had gone, I leaned back and savored the moment.
I actually felt good! It seemed that I had found a solution to at least one of my problems.
Maybe that had been my difficulty all this time. I had been trying to focus on too many unrelated problems at once. Now that the whole money thing was off my back, I could devote my entire attention to the Queen Hemlock situation without interruptions or distractions.
For the first time in a long while, I actually felt optimistic about being able to arrive at a decision.
Chapter Eighteen:
"It's so easy, a child could do it!"
THE LEGAL DISCLAIMER FOUND ON THE INSTRUCTION SHEET OF ANY "ASSEMBLE IT YOURSELF" KIT
"BLAH BLAH BLAH flowers, blah blah blah protocol. Understood?"
"Uh-huh," I said, looking out the window.
When I had agreed to hear the plans for the upcoming marriage between Massha and General Badaxe, I had done it without realizing how long it would take or how complex the ceremony would be. After several hours of this however, I realized that my own part was going to be minimal, and was having a great deal of difficulty paying attention to the myriad of details.
"Of course, blah blah blah ..."
And they were off again.
A bird landed on a branch outside the window and began gobbling down a worm. I found myself envying him. Not that I was particularly hungry, mind you. It was just that the way my life had been going lately, eating a worm seemed like a preferable alternative.
"Have you got that? Skeeve?"
I jerked my head back to the task at hand, only to find my massive apprentice peering at me intently. Obviously, I had just missed something I was supposed to respond to.
"Umm ... Not really, Massha. Could you summarize it again briefly so I can be sure I have it right?"
I didn't mean to emphasize the word 'briefly/ but she caught it anyway.
"Hmmm," she said, fixing me with a suspicious stare. "Maybe we should take a break for a few minutes," she said. "I think we could all do with a good stretch of the legs."
"If you say so, my dear," the General said, rising obediently to his feet.
I admired his stamina ... and his patience. I was sure that this was as tedious for him as it was for me, but you'd never tell it to look at him.
I started to rise as well, then sank back quickly into my seat as a wave of dizziness hit me.
"Hey Skeeve! Are you all right?"
Massha was suddenly more concerned than she had been a moment before.
"I'm fine," I said, trying to focus my eyes.
"Would you like some wine?"
"No!! I mean, I'm all right. Really. I just didn't get much sleep last night is all."
"Uh-huh. Out tom-catting again, were you, Hot Stuff?"
Normally, I kind of enjoyed Massha's banter. Today, though, I was just too tired to play.
"Actually, I went to bed fairly early," I said, stuffily- "I just had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I guess there was just too much on my mind to relax."
That was a bit of an understatement. Actually, I had tossed and turned most of the night ... just as I had for the two previous nights. I had hoped that once I had dealt with the money problems I had been wrestling with, I could concentrate on making up my mind about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock. Instead, all the factors and ramifications kept dancing in my head, jostling in my head, jostling each other for importance, until I couldn't focus on any of them. Unfortunately, I couldn't put them aside, either.
"Uh-huh," she said, peering at me carefully.
Whatever she saw, she didn't like. Pushing two chairs together, she sat down next to me a put a motherly hand on my shoulder.
"Come on, Skeeve," she said. "Tell Massha all about it. What is it that's eating you up lately?"
"It's this whole thing about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock," I said. "I just can't seem to make up my mind. As near as I can tell, there isn't a clear cut right answer. Any option I have seems to be loaded with negatives. Whatever I do is going to affect so many people, I'm paralytic for fear of doing the wrong thing. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong, I'm not doing anything at all."
Massha heaved a great sigh.
"Well, I can't make that call for you, Skeeve. Nobody can. If it's any help, though, you should know that you're loved, and that your friends will stand by whatever decision you reach. I know it's rough right now, but we have every faith that you'll do the right thing."
I guess that was supposed to be reassuring. It flashed across my mind, however, that I really didn't need to be reminded of how much everyone was counting on me to reach the right decision ... when after weeks of deliberation I still didn't have the foggiest idea of what the right decision was! Still, my apprentice was trying to help the only way she knew how, and I didn't want to hurt her for that.
"Thanks, Massha," I said, forcing a smile. "That does help a bit."
"Ahem."
I glanced up to see General Badaxe stepping forward. He had been so quiet I had forgotten he was in the room until he cleared his voice.
"Will you excuse us, my dear? I'd like to have a word with Lord Skeeve."
Massha glanced back and forth between the General and me, then shrugged.
"Sure thing, Hugh. Gods know I've got enough to keep me busy for a while. Catch you later, Hot Shot."
The General closed the door behind her, then stood regarding me for several moments. Then he came over to where I was standing and placed both of his hands on my shoulders.
"Lord Skeeve," he said. "May I be permitted the privilege of speaking to you, of treating you for a few moments as if you were my own son ... or a man under my command in the Army?"
"Certainly, General," I said, genuinely touched.
"Fine," he smiled. "Turn around."
"Excuse me?"
"I said 'Turn around.' Face in the other direction, if you will."
Puzzled, I turned my back on him and waited.
Suddenly, something slammed into my rear end, propelling me forward with such force that I nearly fell, saving myself only by catching my weight with my hands and one knee.
I was shocked.
Incredible as it seemed, I had every reason to believe the General had just kicked me in the rump!