“I see you, Lincoln,” she told him softly.
His features tightened, his laser gaze locked on her. “What do you see, Sara? Tell me. Tell me something.”
Sara opened her mouth, but nothing would come out. Her pulse was racing and she knew if she voiced her thoughts, nothing could go back to the way it used to be. Maybe it couldn’t already anyway. Maybe that was done; those people she and Lincoln used to be no longer existed. The way Sara was now, the person standing before her; that was who she and Lincoln were now, be it good or bad, wrong or right.
Her stomach dipped. “I…Lincoln, I have…feelings for you. I don’t know how that happened or when exactly, but it did. I don’t even know what they are, but I have them. Do you know how that makes me feel? Horrible. I feel like a horrible person. I just know…I can’t turn them off and I wish I could and I don’t even understand what they are, not really. It scares me. I’m scared.” Sara’s eyes burned and her throat tried to close.
Lincoln slammed his fingers through his hair, messing the waves up. His eyes were pained, his mouth turned down. “How do you think I feel? He is…he was…my brother. I’ve wanted you since the day I met you. How do you think that makes me feel? I’m torn up inside, Sara. My insides are ravaged and ruined and I don’t care. I don’t care. All I know is it hurts to look at you and it hurts even more not to. I need you. I need you.
“It doesn’t matter that he’s my brother, it doesn’t matter that he is…was…your husband. It doesn’t stop me from needing you. I see you when I wake up, I dream of you, I see you in every woman’s face and I see you in the sky and even the grass. You’re everywhere. You’re everything. That’s all that matters. You’re all that matters. So hate me. Never speak to me again. Doesn’t matter. I’ll still need you. I’ll need you till I take my last breath and I’ll need you even after that,” he panted, his chest heaving up and down.
“Stop, Lincoln, don’t.” He was making it worse. She couldn’t hear anymore. It hurt. Her heart was breaking, hearing the words pouring from Lincoln, hearing the conviction in them. This was wrong; it had to be wrong.
But he wouldn’t stop. Maybe he couldn’t. Lincoln continued, relentless. “All those times I wanted to hold you, all those times I wanted to pull you into my arms and couldn’t, not the way I wanted to, not the way you needed me to, but would never admit; it killed me, Sara. It’s still killing me. I want you for mine. I want you always.
“I started to slip up. These last few months…I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t pretend anymore. That’s why I’ve been acting so—so crazy. It was too much, loving you and not being able to. Every time I saw you, I just wanted to hold you and take your pain away. And I know I did. I know you feel it too. But you don’t want to.”
“Please,” she beseeched, wanting to shut off the sound of his voice, wanting to stop the sinking feeling taking over her. She was falling, fading, suffocating from it all. Her, him, them. Words she didn’t want to hear, but couldn’t not hear—it was destroying her. The way she felt, not knowing how she felt, and about her husband’s brother; it was agony.
Lincoln reached for her, his hands cupping her cheeks. “I want you, Sara. I’ve always wanted you. Damaged, broken, irrevocably ruined, I still want you. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care. I’ll always want you. No matter what. No matter where you are. If you’re with me or not; I’ll want you. It’s not ever going away. Maybe Cole was it for you, maybe none of this matters, and I’m tearing out my soul for you for no reason, but…you were it for me. You’re it for me, Sara. Always have been.”
Sara stared at him, seeing how unhinged he was, her breath leaving her much too quickly when Lincoln raised his intense eyes to hers, not once removing his gaze from her face as the minutes slowly ticked by. His words washed over her, seeped into her, warmed her, and made the numbness go away. She blinked her eyes against tears, feeling so many conflicting emotions she had no control over. It didn’t matter what she wanted to feel or not feel; she felt what she did, and what Sara felt scared her.
Look away. Leave. Before it’s too late. She couldn’t stop herself when she lifted a hand and traced the sharp angle of his cheekbone. He went still, inhaling sharply. For once his face didn’t try to replace Lincoln’s. It was just Lincoln she saw. He was all there was now. Sara let her hand drop and turned away.
“You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question.
Sara paused, eyes on the door. “I have to.”
“Why?”
Her face tried to crumple and Sara locked her jaw to thwart it. “Because I finally see you,” she whispered.
***
In the three weeks since the confrontation between them, Lincoln had kept his distance. They’d had stuttering phone conversations full of long pauses until eventually they’d not even bothered. There was a strain on Sara that had little to do with her husband’s death and more to do with the chasm of confusing emotions between her and Lincoln. How had it all gotten so messed up? Everything had fit; everything had been complete before the wreck, before she’d lost her husband. Now there were just hundreds of puzzle pieces and nowhere to put them.
Lincoln was at her house now. He’d stopped on his way home from work. Her eyes kept going to him across the table, but words failed her. She didn’t know what to say. Sara wanted to hug him, to touch her cheek to his, to feel his arms around her and she also wanted to never see him again.
He sighed, tapping his fingers on the table. “This is awkward.”
“A little.” Sara pushed the cold cup of coffee between her hands.
He ran his fingers through his hair, hanging his head. “We fought about it once.”
“What?”
“You.” Lincoln looked up, piercing her with his powerful gaze.
“What do you mean? I don’t understand.” Liar, Sara.
“I think you do. I think you know what I mean. We fought about you, right before the wedding. Cole suspected my feelings for you. He confronted me. I didn’t admit it. I didn’t deny it. He knew.”
“What did he say?”
“He didn’t say anything. He punched me. He punched me in the face and said you were his. He said he’d seen you first, like that was enough to claim you as his.” Lincoln gave a bitter laugh. “Only he hadn’t. I told him that too. I was so angry, so sick of acting like it didn’t kill me every time I saw you together. I guess I told him that because I was hurting, knowing you were about to be married. I was desperate and I wanted Cole to hurt like I was hurting. It was a shitty thing to do.
“His eyes…they dimmed a little. He didn’t say anything. He just left. I felt like an ass and I suppose I should have. We never talked about it again. I don’t know why I’m even bringing it up. I guess, I don’t know…” Lincoln shook his head. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
“That was a mean thing to do,” Sara choked out.
“I suppose I never should have said anything, but—” Lincoln rubbed his eyes, his face tense with strain. “It was the one thing I had over him. That I saw you first. It was all I had and when he hit me, I just, I had to retaliate. Immature. Childish. I know.”
She stared at him, not really seeing him, but a memory.
Sara smiled at his reflection in the mirror as he came up behind her. “Ready to go?” She set the brush down, the smile leaving her lips as she took in his expression. Sara turned to face him. “What’s wrong?”