I get this is a big thing to ask, but I think, when you get to know Hayley, you'll see how easy it is to love her.
Riley blinked at the words. He didn't need to get to know Hayley. In the space of half an hour, she had become part of who he was.
I've had to go. I didn't want to. I don't want to. They don't give out time left anymore, but when I secretly read three months on my notes… Well, let's just say they seem to know what they are saying. It wasn't enough time to reconnect with you or to smooth the way as the treatments are kind of rough. I talked a lot to Hayley about you, though, so she knows.
Just to make it clear, Hayley is your daughter. There is no doubt about that, and I hope you believe me without needing tests or fighting it. She needs to know her daddy now, and you and your husband seem settled and happy. It will be good for her and for you I hope.
No. He didn't need tests. She was his.
Hayley is a very special little girl. She's not quite you and not quite me, but a mix of us both. In fact, thinking back on your little sister, I think Hayley looks a lot like her. There are some photos with this letter for each of the years she was mine alone, and you will see what I mean.
I don't know you now or what kind of man you have really become. You won't believe this, but I loved you when we made Hayley, and this is the important thing I think. I read an article about a man starting ethical exploration, and he is my Riley, the one I saw when you thought I couldn't see inside you.
I told Hayley you live on a ranch with your husband, and she focused immediately on horses. She has always wanted a pony, but a secretary's wage doesn't really stretch that far. I know what you're like with your money but don't spoil her. For a quiet life, though, I think you should get her one. She is a very determined child, and I read that animals are good for helping with emotional problems. My guess is she's already asked you, and I know for a fact you won't be able to say no. She has this way of asking that breaks your heart sometimes.
I always talked about how I met you from the very moment she could understand. The lectures, the café, the gorgeous boy who swept me off my feet, even how tall you are and the color of your eyes. I've written letters to Hayley over the last few months, and I want her to get them as she grows up. I got the idea from a book I read, and I like the thought of her getting a letter before her prom, or for the first day of college. I deposited them at the bank, and all the details will be with the lawyer.
I told her everything but your name, but I was going to as soon as she asked when she was older. You were never a secret.
Keeping Hayley away from you wasn't a decision I made lightly. A father should know his children, and every day I wanted to tell you. I have no excuses other than I didn't ever want to lose her. I thought if you knew about her, then I might lose her. It was selfish, but I hope you can forgive me.
I know you are saying to yourself that we could have been a family, but it would never have worked, and I'm not sure we should have been. There would never be a place for me in your life. I was never going to be the person at your side. I could have tried to fit in but I would have ended up hating my life and you.
I didn't know I was pregnant until after I left. I promise you I didn't. Do you believe me?
I want what is best for Hayley, and I know that is you.
I tried hard to give Hayley good memories. It's your turn now.
Please.
Lexie xx
Did he believe she didn't know she was pregnant with his babe when she left? Did he believe Hayley was his daughter?
Of course he did. He believed Lexie. So yes. God yes. He would take his turn.
He re-read the letter, weighing accusation against truth and the past Riley against the person he was now. Indignation at the thought he couldn't have made a good dad at twenty was momentary. He didn't even have clear memories of his college years; most were edged with alcohol. Then after college, embroiled in the vitriol and hate that surrounded the family in the old Hayes mausoleum, what place would there have been for a child?
In a daze he clambered to stand, weaving in place at the head rush. He hated the pain in his heart that he hadn't been good enough for his child. Lexie was right. She'd always had this uncanny ability to see right through him, and his family would have destroyed her and a child. That was who they had been.
He needed to do what Lexie asked. Buy Hayley a pony but refrain from further spoiling Hayley with money and, most of all, love Hayley like his own.
The last part he thought would be very easy.
C
HAPTER
7
"Riley? Come to bed." Jack's voice echoed in the hallway.
"I can't. What if she wakes up and can't remember where she is? She could get upset."
"Her door is open, we'll hear." Jack gestured to the open bedroom door where Riley hovered.
"But our door is always shut," Riley was quick to point out.
"So we'll leave it open," Jack offered with a shrug.
"You'd do that?"
"It's a door."
"But…" What about kissing and cuddling and the danger of someone walking in on them?
"But nothing. You're a dad now, Riley. Dad's leave the door open for their kids in case they're needed. Are you coming to bed?"
"In ten or so." Jack embraced him from behind, and Riley leaned back into the hold, turning his head to share a quick kiss.
When Jack had left, Riley couldn't move. He leaned against the doorjamb of his new daughter's room and stared in at the small shape under the covers. The drapes were pulled shut, and the only light into the room came from the dim bulb in the hall. Hayley hadn't even asked for a nightlight. Luke and Annabelle still slept with nightlights, maybe due to some huge psychological problem after losing their dad. Jeff may well have been his brother, but he was one hell of a shitty father.
Jesus. Who was to say he would be any better? He shared the same genes as Jeff, well, half of them anyway. Riley had too much of his natural father in him to ever be entirely like Jeff. That thought sent a snap of memory into his head.
"Shit." Jim and his mom. He stood upright and then waited to see if his muttered expletive woke Hayley. She didn't move, and in the blink of an eye, he was moving to his and Jack's room.