‘See?’ she said. ‘This isn’t me. I’m not here.’ She reached out and put her arms about my neck. ‘But I’ll try to be here for you, Mr Librarian.’
Two (37-19-36) Soliloquies
‘I just don’t understand why women want bodies like this. The grotesqueness of them and they try so very hard to get these bodies, moving hell and high water with dieting, operations, injections, obscene under garments to arrive at one of these damn things and then if they try everything and still can’t get one, the dumb cunts fake it. Well, here’s one they can have for free. Come and get it, you bitches.
‘They don’t know what they’re getting into or maybe they like it. Maybe they’re all pigs like the women who use these bodies to turn the tides of money: the movie stars, models, whores.
‘Oh Christ!
‘I just can’t see the fatal attraction that bodies like this hold for men and women. My sister has my body: tall and skinny. All these layers are beyond me. These aren’t my breasts. These aren’t my hips. This isn’t my ass. I’m inside of all this junk. Can you see me? Look hard. I’m in here, Mr Librarian.’
She reached out and put her arms about my neck and I put my hands upon her hips. We stood there looking at each other.
‘I think you’re wrong,’ I said. ‘Whether you like it or not, you’re a very beautiful woman and you’ve got a grand container. It may not be what you want, but this body is in your keeping and you should take good care of it and with pride, too. I know it’s hard but don’t worry about what other people want and what they get. You’ve got something that’s beautiful and try to live with it.
‘Beauty is the hardest damn thing in the world to understand. Don’t buy the rest of the world’s juvenile sexual thirsts. You’re a smart young lady and you’d better start using your head instead of your body because that’s what you’re doing.
‘Don’t be a fatalist winner. Life’s a little too short to haul that one around. This body is you and you’d better get used to it because this is all she wrote for this world and you can’t hide from yourself.
‘This is you.
‘Let your sister have her own body and start learning how to appreciate and use this one. I think you might enjoy it if you let yourself relax and get your mind out of other people’s sewers.
‘If you get hung up on everybody else’s hang-ups, then the whole world’s going to be nothing more than one huge gallows.’
We kissed.
Book Three: Calling the Caves
Calling the Caves
Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with Foster up at the caves when Vida discovered that she was pregnant. Vida and I talked it over. The decision to have the abortion was arrived at without bitterness and was calmly guided by gentle necessity.
Tm not ready to have a child yet,’ Vida said. ‘And neither are you, working in a kooky place like this. Maybe another time, perhaps for certain another time, but not now. I love children, but this isn’t the time. If you can’t give them the maximum of yourself, then it’s best to wait. There are too many children in the world and not enough love. An abortion is the only answer.’
‘I think you’re right,’ I said. ‘I d0n’t know about this library being a kooky place, but we’re not ready for a child yet. Perhaps in a few years. I think you should use the pill after we have the abortion.’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘It’s the pill from now on.’
Then she smiled and said, ‘It looks like our bodies got us.’
‘It happens sometimes,’ I said.
‘Do you know anything about this kind of business?’ Vida said. ‘I know a little bit. My sister had an abortion last year in Sacramento, but before she had the abortion, she went to a doctor in Marin County who gave her some hormone shots, but they didn’t work because it was too late. The shots work if you take them soon enough and they’re quite a bit cheaper than an abortion.
‘I think I’d better call Foster,’ I said. ‘He got into a thing like this last year and had to go down to Tijuana with one of his Indian girls.’
‘Who’s Foster?’ Vida said.
‘He takes care of the caves,’ I said.
‘What caves?’
‘This building is too small,’ I said.
‘What caves?’ she said.
I guess I was rattled by the events in Vida’s stomach. I hadn’t realized it. I calmed myself down a little bit and said, ‘Yes, we have some caves up in Northern California where we store most of our books because this building is too small for our collection.
‘This library is very old. Foster takes care of the caves. He comes down here every few months and loads his van up with books and stores them in the caves.
‘He also brings me food and the little things that I need. The rest of the time he stays drunk and chases the local women, mostly Indians. He’s quite a guy. A regular explosion of a man.
‘He had to go down to Tijuana last year. He told me all about it. He knows a very good doctor there. There’s a telephone at the caves. I’ll give him a ring. I’ve never done it before. Never had to. Things are usually pretty calm down here. We might as well get this thing going. Would you watch the library while I do it?’
‘Yes,’ Vida said. ‘Of course. It would be a privilege. I never thought that I would end up being the librarian of this place, but I guess I should have had an inkling when I came in here with my book under my arm.’
She was smiling and wearing a short green dress. Her smile was on top of the dress. It looked like a flower.
‘It will only take a few minutes,’ I said. ‘I think there’s a pay telephone down at the corner. That is, if it’s still there. I haven’t been out of here in so long that they may have moved it.’
‘No, it’s still there,’ Vida said, smiling. ‘I’ll take care of everything. Don’t worry. Your library is in good hands.’
She held her hands out to me and I kissed them.
‘See?’ she said.
‘You know how to put the books down in the Library Contents Ledger?’ I said.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I know how to do it and I’ll give anyone who» rings in a book the royal carpet treatment. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be all right. Stop worrying. Mr Librarian. I think you have been in here too long. I think I’ll kidnap you soon.’
‘You could ask them to wait,’ I said. ‘1’ll only be gone for a few minutes.’
‘Come on now!’ Vida said. ‘Let your granny gland relax a little and slow down those rocking chair secretions.’
Outside (Briefly)
Gee, it had been a long time. I hadn’t realized that being in that library for so many years was almost like being in some kind of timeless thing. Maybe an aeroplane of books, flying through the pages of eternity.
Actually being outside was quite different from looking out of the window or the door. I walked down the street, feeling strangely awkward on the sidewalk. The concrete was too hard, aggressive or perhaps I was too light, passive.
It was something to think about.
I had a lot of trouble opening the telephone booth door but finally I got inside and started to call Foster up at the caves when suddenly I realized that I didn’t have any money with me. I searched all my pockets but, alas, not a cent. I didn’t need money in the library.
‘Back already? Vida said. She looked very pretty behind the counter in her green dress with her flower-like head.
‘I don’t have any money,’ I said.