Suddenly, my ovaries were aching. Throbbing, actually. Every part of me was in pain, screaming out for an ending I’d never have. And I found myself, for the millionth time in the last five years, telling myself it was okay. That I was okay. That I could deal with my life, if this was it. It was enough.
“Evie,” Liv’s gentle voice broke through my mental breakdown. My eyes snapped up to hers and she looked concerned. “Listen, I know that for a while I was pretty messed up. I went through a rough patch, and Ruby came along before I thought I was ready, but I’m telling you – don’t give up hope. If I can be this happy, so can you. In fact, I owe you my happiness. Well, you and Devon. You guys never gave up on me, even when I was less than a good person.”
“Liv, we all have our bad days.”
“Or bad years,” she said sadly, which made me even sadder.
“Liv, what’s important is who you are now and who I always knew you were. You’re happy, and kind, and a good wife, and a great mother,” I said, looking down at her beautiful baby in my arms.
“You can be all that too, Evie.” Her voice was so soft and so maternal. Soothing even.
“I’m happy,” I said in my own defense, even if it wasn’t with much feeling.
“You’re content with the status quo, Evie. I just want you to find the happiness I have.”
I finally raised my eyes to meet hers. I knew she’d never let it go if I didn’t look her right in the eye and lie to her face.
“I’m happy, Liv. I promise.” The words stung just saying them. It made me wonder if she could tell I was lying. “If, someday down the line, I find the man I’m supposed to marry and start a family with, then I will. But I’ve got too much going on to worry about it. I like to leave it up to fate. If he’s out there, he’ll find me.”
“Not if you’re hiding.”
I scoffed. “I’m not hiding, Liv. I’m working. There’s a difference. I don’t have a regular nine-to-five job. I have to hustle to make ends meet. If that means weekends and late nights, then so be it.”
“Okay, I know, but promise me you’re not shutting yourself off to new people or new experiences?”
“I promise.”
“You know I love you, right?” Liv asked. And even though it wasn’t a crazy question, it caught me off guard anyway. She’d never seemed so intent.
“Yeah, Liv, I know you love me. I love you too.” And I did. God, I did. She was my best friend, and the only way I was ever going to have a niece and nephew. She was my family. And it really sucked that I was in love with her husband.
Suddenly, the tiny baby in my arms started wiggling, moving his head from side to side, mouth open, and face looking angry.
“Uh oh,” I said nervously, “I think he’s looking for the boob.”
Liv rolled her eyes, “Men.”
I laughed and then slowly got out of the chair and handed her the baby who had started vocally announcing that he was, indeed, hungry.
I watched with wonder as Liv fed her son, marveling at the beauty of it, longing for that connection with a child of my own.
“I have this feeling, deep down in my soul, that everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to,” Liv said, looking at me with a smile so genuine and heart-warming, I could do nothing else besides return it.
“I hope so.”
Chapter Nineteen
Present Day
The next evening, after I knew the kids would be in bed, I drove to Devon’s house. It took me all day to work up the nerve, and I wasn’t even completely sure what I was going to say to him when I got there, but my conversation with Nate had struck a chord.
I stood on the front porch and sent him a text message, not wanting to wake the kids by knocking or ringing the doorbell.
**I’m on your front porch. Can we talk?**
It took a few minutes, but eventually I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and then the door opened.
Devon looked just as incredible as he always had. His blond hair was still pushed back, pink lips fuller than most women’s but still irresistible, but his eyes were missing the spark he’d had for most of the years I’d known him. He’d lost it by the time Liv passed, but I hoped the dimness behind them was also attributed to my absence as well. I didn’t want him to hurt, but I wasn’t too proud to admit that I wanted him to miss me. It wouldn’t change anything, but it would have been the first time I would have felt that from him and a part of me wanted that desperately, even if it was fleeting.
“Evie,” he said, his voice sounding so different than I remembered. It’d only been a week, but he seemed like a new person to me. His face looked almost pained, as if I was doing injury to him by merely standing on his doorstep. “I was beginning to think I wasn’t ever going to see you again.”
I was starting to think you’d never seen me from the beginning.
“I’m sorry I disappeared. I just needed some time to think and sort things out in my mind. Can I come in?”
“Of course,” he said, stepping backward into his house and giving me more than enough room to enter without brushing past him. I noticed he didn’t smell the same. Or rather, he did, but it didn’t catch me at all. The scent didn’t grab ahold of me, as it usually had, and remind me of all the times I’d smelled him and wanted to bottle his personal scent. He just smelled like Devon.
I walked past him and sat on the couch, my eyes darting up the stairs, wanting badly to sneak into Ruby and Jaxy’s room. To kiss their heads and run my fingers through their hair. I’d missed them terribly throughout the week, but knew it had been best to take a step back.
“How are they?” I asked, still looking up the stairs. I heard him take in a deep breath and the sound was like a vice grip around my heart. I’d never wanted to hurt the children.
“They were a little confused at first, Jax especially, but by Wednesday, they were mostly back to their old selves again.”
“Did you have a hard time managing?” I didn’t want to add ‘without me’ at the end of my question, but it was implied. The idea of asking if he’d managed without me was more pain and torture than I wished to endure.
“It took a bit of shuffling, but I found a solution. In fact, Evie, I’m glad you’re here. I need to tell you something-”
“Devon, if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to go first. Otherwise, I’ll lose my nerve and I really need to get this out.” He didn’t say anything, but he did nod his head and then took a seat in the club chair just opposite me.
I took a deep breath and then started the speech I’d gone through a million times in my mind.
“I met Olivia on the first day of high school. I was fourteen and she was the first person to speak to me. She went out of her way to make me feel welcome and comfortable in a notoriously uncomfortable situation. From then on, she was my very best friend. I never could have dreamed up a better friend than her, Devon. She was sweet and loyal, beautiful but not vain, outgoing and inclusive. She was friends with everyone and everyone loved her. I loved her. Even when she started dating the guy I’d fallen for at first sight my freshman year of college, I still loved her.” I took another deep breath, trying to keep calm even though speaking about Olivia always brought me tears. “I watched the two of you build a life together, Devon. I was here throughout everything. And even though I always had those feelings for you, always knew that if given the chance, I could make you so happy, I never once wanted that.”