While his sister's attention was otherwise engaged, he made signs to me which I could not comprehend, but which my vanity induced me to pretend I did; and he was so far emboldened by my smiling that he began to make gestures which I well understood. He put his hand between his thighs; I blushed but did not the less follow the movement through the corner of my eye. He then raised it, making a sign with his left hand with which he grasped the other above the wrist; it did not require one very learned to perceive that he meant what he had just touched was of the length indicated.
His proceedings had set me all in a flame; modesty required me to go away, but one can offer only a feeble resistance when the heart is bent on betraying her. Love made me remain where I was, though I continued to look bashfully on the ground. I soon, however, gave a glance at Verland (for that was his name) by which I meant to show my displeasure, but my excitement gave different expression. He felt it, and perceived that I understood him, and also that I was too weak to disapprove of it. He took advantage of this, and in order to leave me nothing further to guess as to the ardor which animated him, he joined the forefinger and thumb of his left hand, and thrust one of the fingers of the other hand backwards and forwards in the opening between them, sighing at the same time. The rogue in doing thus recalled to my mind circumstances too agreeable to allow me to appear so offended as this want of respect deserved. How much should I have liked to be alone with him! But, alas, an impassable grating would then have arrested our pleasures!
At this moment my companion was called away, and, on leaving us, she said that she was going to see why they called her, and should return in a moment. Her brother profited by her absence to explain himself more clearly; he certainly did not make use of many words, but they were full of meaning. Although the compliment was not very polite, it appeared to me so natural that I always remember it with pleasure. “We have no time to lose,” said he; “my rod is as stiff as a poker, and I am dying to give it to you. Tell me how I” can get into your convent.” I was so stupefied by his words and the action which accompanied them that I remained motionless; so that he had tune to pass his hand through the grating, thrust it into my bosom, and make still more compliments of a like nature. And when I recovered my self-possession, I was so little inclined to stop his transports, that his sister returned and surprised us thus occupied. She scolded finely, and abused me as well as her brother, whom I never saw afterwards.
The whole convent soon knew my adventure and it was the cause of not a little chuckling, gossiping, joking, and quizzing. I made myself pretty easy about it, hoping it would not go further than the boarders. I was sure that the pretty ones would not betray me, but the ugly ones were by no means to be relied on.
The latter, who were quite secure from any temptation of the kind, cried scandal upon me; at first in a whisper, then aloud, and so loud that the old ones heard it. I laughed about it at first; I afterwards trembled, and had good reason so to do. The sage old ladies called a council, to deliberate as to what punishment ought to be inflicted upon one who suffered her bubbies to be touched by a man,-a crime quite unpardonable in the eyes of a set of old mummies who had nothing but leather bags which could be thrown over their shoulders. They found the case so grave that any one but myself would have been sent away. O how I wished they might do it! But I was expected to bring them a good dowry; for my mother had assured them that I should take the veil; so I was to be kept, and the council determined that I should be flogged. They came to execute the sentence, but I forestalled them, and had barricaded myself in my chamber; they broke open, the door and fell upon me. I bit one, scratched another, kicked a third, tore their dress, snatched off their caps, in short, defended myself so well that they gave up the business; gaming nothing by their exertions but the shame of having proved that six old women were not able to master a young girl. Indeed on this occasion I fought like a lioness.
My wrath and the care of defending myself had fully occupied me till then; and I only thought how I might get the better of the old hags; but soon after I became as feeble as I had been strong and courageous. Despair succeeded to rage. The glory of having vanquished did not equal in my mind the disgrace they had attempted to inflict, and I became very sad.
“How shall I appear again in the convent? Everybody will laugh at me,” said I; “but I will go and see my mother; she will upbraid me, but perhaps she will also forgive me. A man has… well, what harm is there in that? Did I consent? And supposing I did, what great harm in it? I will go to her;” and I rose from my bed with this intent, and should certainly have gone, if in stepping to open the door I had not trod upon something round which threw me down.
I looked to ascertain what had occasioned my fall. Imagine what was my surprise at beholding an instrument representing to the life what my imagination had often figured-a penis!
I had heard talk of a dildo many times; I knew that it was an instrument with which our mothers consoled themselves for the rigors of celibacy. It is in the shape of a man's member, and is intended to serve in its stead. To render the resemblance more perfect, it is hollow, and the cavity is filled with milk to supply the place of the liquid which flows from the tool of a man. When those who use it have, by continued friction, put themselves in a condition which requires something more, they touch the spring, and the milk is forced out and inundates them. Thus they cheat their desires by an imposition which affords them sufficient enjoyment to make them forget that of the reality.
I guessed that some of the good mothers who had come to attack me, had dropped it during the scuffle. I was not however, quite sure that it was a dildo, but my heart told me so. The sight of it dissipated my grief; I thought of nothing but what I held in my hand, and was eager to make a trial of its virtue,-Its thickness certainly frightened me; but all my fears gave way to the ardor with which I burned to make the experiment. A grateful warmth, the forerunner of the pleasure I was about to taste, diffused itself throughout my body, which trembled from the excess of my excitement.
To prevent any interruption, I first shut the door; and without once taking my eyes off the dildo, I undressed myself with all the trepidation of a bride about to enter the nuptial bed. The idea of the secrecy which would envelop the pleasure I was going to indulge in made the enjoyment still more piquant. I threw myself on the bed, my dear dildo in hand; but how great was my disappointment when I found it was too big to enter. I became desperate, and made several thrusts hard enough to split my poor little cunny. I opened it with my fingers, and placing the dildo against it, pushed so hard as to hurt myself insufferably. I could not succeed, but I did not yet give it up. I thought that if I rubbed myself with pomatum, the passage would be easier. I did so, and exerted myself so that I was all blood; and I do think that I should have succeeded had not the instrument been of a prodigious size. I saw the enjoyment near me but I could not seize it, for all my efforts were in vain. “Ah,” I cried, “if Verland were here, and he had one still thicker than this, I feel that I could very well bear any pain he might cause me. Yes, I would bear it, I would help him, though he split me-though he should kill me; I should die happy, if I had but that. If he hurt me,” continued I, “how would the pain be sweetened by the pleasure he gave me! I should closely press him to my bosom and he would do the same to me. I would cover him with kisses, while he thus held me-how exquisite! But alas! I am all alone, and to increase my misery I hold in my hand the shadow, the semblance of pleasure, only to aggravate my despair and provoke my desires without being able to satisfy them. You cursed contrivance!” cried I, apostrophising the dildo and throwing it down in a rage; “go, and be the comforter of some unhappy one for whom you are better adapted, you are useless to me, my finger is a hundred times better.” I accordingly had recourse to it, and forgot in the delightful sensations it procured me the loss of those I had promised myself from the worthless dildo. I fell backwards exhausted, and went to sleep to dream of Verland.