It was very late in the morning when I awoke. Sleep had somewhat dulled my amorous transports, but nothing changed my resolution of leaving the convent. The same reasons which determined me to decide on this step made me more strongly feel the necessity of putting it in execution. From that moment I looked on myself as free, and the first use I made of this imaginary liberty was to remain in bed till ten o'clock. The bell rang in vain for me, I did not appear; and I rejoiced in the vexation that my disobedience must cause the old ladies. At last, however, I got up and dressed myself; and to place myself in the necessity of following up my design, I began by tearing my veil to pieces, as I looked on that as a mark of slavery. I felt free at heart, and it seemed as if I had just burst through a barrier which had hitherto opposed my liberty.
But as I walked up and down my chamber, that cursed dildo caught my eye. I took it up, and sat down on my bed to comtemplate upon it. “It is very fine,” said I, taking it up complaisantly in my hand, “what a length! and how thick! what a pity it is so big, I can hardly grasp it. But it's of no use to me… no, it never can be,” said I, lifting up my clothes, and again trying to put it into a place which still pained me exceedingly from the violent efforts of the night before. I still found the same obstacles, and was forced to be content with my finger. I worked away with all the courage that the sight of the instrument inspired, and to such an extent that my strength failed me; so that I remained insensible to the pleasure; and though my hand kept on mechanically, my heart felt nothing of it. “I am going away,” said I, “and as I have no reason for being particular, I will do so with eclat. I will take this concern to the Superior, and we will see how she will support the sight of it.”
As I went to her apartment, I anticipated the confusion the old lady would be in when I gave her the dildo. I found her alone, and I boldly accosted her in the following terms: “You must know very well, madam, that after the events of yesterday, and the insult you wished to inflict, that I can no longer remain in your convent.” She looked at me with an air of surprise and made no answer, and I continued: “But, madam, without going to such extremities, if I was in fault-which I do not acknowledge, since the audacity of Verland made me unable to defend myself-you might have been content with giving me a reprimand; which, though undeserved, I should have borne patiently, since appearances were against me.”
“A reprimand, Miss,” replied she drily; “a reprimand, for conduct like yours! You deserve exemplary punishment; and, had it not been for the respect we have for your excellent mother, you…”
“You do not punish all the guilty ones,” interrupted I hastily; “and there are some in the convent who indulge in curious recreations!”
“Curious recreations!” replied she; “what, and who?”
“I shall not name them,” said I-“but they are some of those who treated me so shamefully yesterday. -“Ha!” exclaimed she, “You are now carrying your effrontery to a high pitch indeed! This is pushing depravity of heart and perversity of mind to the utmost extent! Good heavens! To add calumny to crime, and accuse the most holy of our mothers! Those models of virtue, chastity, and piety! What an abomination!”
I let her complete her eulogium without offering any interruption, but when she ceased, I coolly drew the dildo from my pocket, and gave it to her.
“There,” said I, “is a proof of sanctity, virtue, and chastity-at least for one of them.”-All this time I scrutinized the countenance of the Superior; she looked at me, blushed, and was quite confounded; from which I immediately concluded that the article belonged to herself, and I was further confirmed in my opinion by the eagerness with which she almost snatched it from me.
“Ah! My dear child,” said she, greatly softened in her manner towards me after I had thus restored the lost jewel; “is it possible that, in a house where there are so many persons of exemplary worth, souls can be found so abandoned as to have recourse to such filthiness! O God! I am almost beside myself. But, my dear girl, never say a word about your having found such a thing; for then I should be obliged to use severity, to make open investigation, and I wish to proceed gently. But, my dear, why do you wish to leave us? Go, return to your chamber, I will arrange everything to your satisfaction. I will say that it must be all a mistake, as regards the late affair about you; rely on my affection, for I love you much. Rest assured, in spite of what has occurred, that you shall no more be looked on with an evil eye. I perceive that in reality we had no cause for behaving thus to you, as you were not to be blamed, since you could not help yourself. I shall speak in a proper manner to Miss Verland upon this subject. Good God!” continued she, looking at the dildo, “How malicious the devil is. God help me! I do think it is a… Ah! The hateful thing!”
As the Superior uttered these words, my mother entered. “What's this that I have heard?” said she to the Superior. And turning short round to me:-“And you, Miss, why are you here?”-An answer was necessary, but quite disconcerted, I blushed and looked down; and when the question was repeated, I began to stammer out some excuse. The Superior, however, spoke for me, and to the point. If she did not absolutely take my part in her account of the late disturbance, she was so favorable that I did not appear to have been much to blame. My fault was merely a want of prudence without any intention to do wrong; and the impudent fellow who had taken advantage of me, was not to come again to the convent. The chief blame was cast on Miss Verland, who, if not for the sake of her brother's reputation, at least for mine, ought not to have mentioned the circumstance. But the Superior said that she would take care I should not suffer any injury from the insult put on me. This was all I could desire, and thus got out of the adventure without a stain. My mother lamented my misfortune, and spoke to me in the most affecting language.
Souls zealous for the glory of God can make the best of everything. It was determined between my mother and the Superior, that, as I had unluckily given cause me to that course, they made a long sermon, which, as for scandal, I must reconcile myself to the Father of mercies by the sacrament of penance; and to persuade it was not very interesting, I shall not repeat here.
My mother's discourse had almost converted me. However, the reluctance I felt to acknowledge my faults might well have made me doubt the reality of my conversion, and Father Jerome, instead of receiving my confession of my own free will, was obliged to draw it from me by a multitude of questions. God knows how it pleased the old sinner! I had never said so much before, though I had not said all; for I do not think it a very great crime for a poor girl to relieve herself when in a strait.-She did not make herself; can it be her fault if she has sensual desires? Is it her fault that she has no husband to satisfy her? She only seeks to appease the desires that consume her like an internal fire; and she has recourse to the means nature has furnished her; what can be less criminal?
Notwithstanding the little secrets I had kept from Father Jerome, I was somewhat affected. Was it penitence? No. The real cause was that he had refused me absolution; and, fearing that it might give rise to further calumny, I could not refrain from tears. I dreaded to show myself to my enemies, lest my confusion should give them a new cause to triumph, so I went and placed myself at a desk before the altar; and my grief soon sent me to sleep. I fell into the most agreeable dream imaginable. I thought I was with Verland, who held me in his arms and pressed me with his thighs. I opened mine, and yielded to all his motions. With what transport he handled and kissed my bubbles! I wakened with the very excess of pleasure, and… I found myself actually in a man's arms. Still all occupied with my delightful dream, I thought my good fortune had changed the illusion into reality. I believed myself with my lover, but it was not he who held me so closely embraced from behind.