Horace had put a pitcher of beef tea at my side. I lay back on my chaise longue in a pose of indisposition. Which I often took. Through these days. Wearing purple ecclesiastic silk at my throat and a blue smoking jacket. To hold firmly the spine of a tome. The Morphology of Vertebrates. And Horace nipped his head in the door.
''Sir, there is a young lady calling upon you. A Miss Fitz-dare. Shall I show her in."
"My God."
"Ah you're not receiving."
"O no no. Show her in please."
"Very good sir."
The sound of feet in the hall. Horace's voice may I take your coat miss. And a voice melodic. Like a thrush sitting first and fat in spring. Here in my chambers. In all the dust. Something I can't believe. She would call on me. Horace so anxious I should be happy. And not lie entrenched and enclosed all these weeks. Writing letters back and forth to my trustees.
Who like to make me feel I am improvident.
The Temple.
London, E.G. 4
Dear Mr. B,
Your letter of the fourth instant to hand. We have acted upon your instruction to transfer the additional sum you request to your account with the Bank of Ireland. However, it is our duty to inform you, having regard for the magnitude of the additional monies, that we would be pleased if you would advise us of any not usual contingency which may have arisen unforeseen and with which perhaps we could assist in extending our advice. Do not hesitate to call upon us to be of any help. Meanwhile we continue to conduct settlement terms regarding the damage claimed with reference to your trespass and will keep you informed.
Yours faithfully,
Bother, Writson, Horn,
Pleader & Hoot
As my big black door opens. I stand to receive. Horace stiffly as he does coming to attention. She wears the black coat she wore that detouring night. Light silk on her legs and her shoes low heeled and gleaming with two flat little bows.
"Miss Fitzdare, sir.' "Hello."
"Miss Fitzdare. Do please, come in."
"Thank you."
"Would you bring another cup please Horace."
"Right you are sir."
"I do apologise for barging in like this. Walking along I couldn't help but see your light. You've not been at classes. You haven't been ill."
"No."
"O."
"Please, sit here Miss Fitzdare. I fear I've been rather flamboyant with this chaise longue. But during long afternoons it affords a simple calm comfort."
"O you mustn't move. Please don't. I'm fine right here. On the end. I don't really feel very, I don't know how to say it, but I shouldn't call on you like this, I know."
"I'm so glad you did. Really I am."
"I felt that perhaps there was something I did or said without realising and that I may have offended you."
"O no. You must never feel that. Here. Thank you Horace. Have some of Horace's beef tea. And could we have some more toast, Horace."
"Very good sir."
"You'll have some toast. And beef tea. And try this honey. Then we'll have china tea."
"I'd love to."
"Good. It's for me I suppose the most important wonderful part of my day. I have to hold myself back in the early afternoon. When four approaches I blurt out to Horace. Beef tea. I know it's awfully indulgent but then I have china tea and lemon to follow. Languorously sipping all the way to six o'clock."
"You're swotting too."
"O. The Morphology of Vertebrates. Not really. I think it's to do with these drawings. When one looks at the dorsal side of things. All so neatly laid out on the page. And absolutely nothing to do with the horrors of life. These dormant pisces and aves."
"You've been asked after. Professor said where has our elegant friend got to."
"O Lord not that night again.' "He didn't mean to pry. I'm sure. But you know the account in the paper did rather put you on the map. I felt awfully responsible. That's why I thought you were avoiding me. It was so much my fault. To let you just wander off in the night that way. And the least I could do was to come and put things right."
"Is that the only reason you came."
"No. I did want to see you again."
"I'm glad. You see I felt perhaps. Well as you say, it did rather put me on the map. But the ladder, the shrubbery. I thought people would think I was trying to look in their bedroom. And I suppose I just couldn't get myself to walk into class again."
"O but it was so little a matter."
"My lawyers haven't found so. I've been sued for enormous damages."
"O no."
"Yes. It doesn't matter. But it makes you feel people can be extremely unfriendly."
"O but that's awful. I had no idea."
"My tutor handled things marvellously and I suppose all would have blown over. But they heard rumours of my enormous car and riches. Totally unfounded, the riches that is. And that was that. Ah toast. You will have some."
"Love to."
"I put just this little extra touch of marmite on. Would you like extras too on yours."
"Yes thank you."
"Will there be anything else sir."
"No thank you Horace."
"I'll be pushing off then sir. Goodbye miss."
"Goodbye."
"Shall I shout you up in the morning sir. Eleven as usual."
"Eight please."
"Ah. Forgive me for commenting sir, but I'm glad to hear it. I think it's the effects of your call miss. And I hope you don't think I'm cheeky when I say we hope to see you again."
Late afternoon settling greyly. Somewhere west peeks a sinking sun. Fanning pink across the clouds. The stark chimneys of the Rubric and the tip top tower of the Campanile. When a spring stillness comes to the soft air. The world stops. And suddenly it goes on forever. Turning slowly round in its own tiny time. Click of the cricket bat and pop of tennis ball. The air comes down and breathes on you. When all the flowers know and rush to grow. Their fattest flowing leaves sent up. Their white bulbs secret and pleased in the moist black ground.
And Miss Fitzdare sits. One knee further up than another. The green plate on her grey wool skirt. I swallow my breath to look down and see her swell of thigh. Frightened of the world I'll always be. Never to stand up and shout. That that woman is mine. Sit instead to bow my head. And quake with loneliness when at last she's forever gone.
"That was an awfully nice thing for your servant to say. And I want to ask you something. You did say that time ago if you remember. That your Sundays were. O dear. What I'm asking is if you wouldn't like to come and lunch with us Sunday if you can. It's with my uncle where I stay. He's a nice old dear."
"I'd like to very much."
"And I think you do like horses. Don't you."
"Yes but I fear recently I've been visiting turf accountants.
And haven't been out at the courses."
"Well I thought that if you had nothing better to do, you might like to come and visit where I live. But that can wait."
"O no don't let it wait."
"I thought before Trinity lectures began."
"Do please have more tea."
"And if you like the countryside.' "Yes I do."
"Do you shoot.' "Yes I do.' "Do you ride.' "Yes I do."
"O dear I feel I'm making you say yes unfairly to all these things."
"O no. Not at all."
A slow smile on the lips of Miss Fitzdare. Dare not look at the contours on her purple soft sweater. She wears two. A twin set I think they're called. Buttons mother of pearl. One turn back of the long sleeves and her small round gold watch and black band shows.
"O I am. I know I am."
"Well yes perhaps. I'm not really a crack shot. I mean I do try to get the bird. O Lord, Miss Fitzdare. I miss badly if the truth were to be known. Frankly I can't shoot at all. I'm mortally terrified of horses too. But I do love the countryside. I mean would that be enough."