‘Yes, I think so…’
‘Well, life is chemistry. You are a chemistry set. I am another.’
Doctor Rolf leans back and looks at Titus. Titus wonders where they are going. Doctor Rolf puts one hand on the back of his head and slowly pushes it through his hair down towards his brow. His fingers drip slowly down his forehead. The hand stops when it reaches his eyebrows. It rests there a while. Then he tugs a little at the skin of his forehead. His eyebrows go up and down, up and down. Then he suddenly lets go of his own head and continues:
‘You say that you don’t have any problems, don’t you?’
‘Yes…’
‘That is an interesting attitude. Most people who come here think they have problems. Serious ones, even. I usually tell them that they do not. But now the opposite would seem to be the case. Here is somebody who says he is without any problems.’
When Doctor Rolf says ‘without any problems’, he makes it sound like the exact opposite, like a condition that is very serious, indeed mortal. Doctor Rolf closes his eyes and emits a short snoring sound. Titus gives a start and tries to seem like an ordinary person.
‘Yes, well, without any problems – what does it mean: without any problems? I do of course struggle with some problems. Or have done in the past, one might say. But I don’t have any mental afflictions, if that is what you mean.’
‘No, of course not. I understand. “No mental afflictions.”’ Doctor Rolf pronounces his diagnosis slowly. Then he quickly gets up from his chair.
‘Yes, Titus. In that case, there is nothing I can do for you. Regrettably.’
‘Are we already finished?’ wonders Titus.
‘No, by no means! But if you don’t have any problems, I will then have to exhibit some of mine. You wanted to find out more about multi-therapy and so you will.’
‘Thank you, but I don’t know if that is necessary…’
‘Oh, but yes. Don’t be silly,’ says Doctor Rolf and turns on his best lecturer voice. ‘First, I shall tell you what it is about. Then I shall demonstrate how it can work. Thus: life is chemistry. Everything you perceive depends upon your chemical make-up. Everything you perceive wrongly also depends upon your chemical make-up. All qualities or singularities you have that can be interpreted as abnormal in the eyes of others can be altered with the help of chemical reactions. It is, for example, quite common that people take medicines containing chemicals if they feel excessively persecuted. People who are too happy may take medicine made from the chemical element lithium to deal with that affliction. And people who feel extremely unhappy may also take lithium. With enough lithium in your body, we will all feel good and be like each other. That is what they want. Or what their relatives want. Be that as it may: chemicals are far too clumsy according to us multi-therapists.’
Titus nods cautiously. He is of course curious as to what Doctor Rolf has to say. At the same time, he has a feeling that one shouldn’t stimulate him too much with one’s interest. Doctor Rolf rolls all the time between apathy and frenzy. One moment, he looks as if he is falling asleep. The next, there is lightning in his eyes.
‘Adding chemicals from outside can create more imbalances. Multi-therapy sees it all from the other side. We ensure that the body starts to produce the chemicals it needs. Since everything you experience depends on the chemistry in your brain, all your life is in a sense imagined. It follows from this that your illnesses and problems are imagined too. They are quite simply figments of your imagination concocted by the chemistry in your brain!’
‘So you mean that paranoid schizophrenia, for example, is purely a figment of someone’s imagination?’
‘Exactly!’ shouts Doctor Rolf. ‘That is indeed the case! Split personality is an idée fixe and there are some excellent therapies to deal with that. It is simply a question of tailoring a therapy that works specially for you. That is multi-therapy in a nutshell. If there is a problem – there is a therapy!’
‘It sounds extremely simple…’
‘Simple! On the contrary, it can be incredibly difficult to find the right therapy. Imaginary illnesses are often very deeply embedded in people’s brains. You might have to test hundreds of placebo therapies before one works.’
‘Placebo therapies!’ says Titus, who is having a hard time keeping up.
‘Like sugar-coated pills! The patient thinks that the medicine works and is healed because of that. Even though the only active ingredient is sugar. That is exactly how it is with multi-therapy. As long as you think you are being healed, it will work. When you finally realise that your have an imaginary illness, you will search high and low for an imaginary therapy that works. You will stop seeing yourself as a victim of unfortunate circumstances, genes, childhood environment, or whatever it is you blame. When you get your willpower back, you will blow the whistle and the factory starts working again. Your brain and body will suddenly start producing the chemicals that are needed for you to function properly again. Thus: when you want to be cured – you will be cured. That’s how it is! Now I think you have twigged how it all works, yes?’
‘What I regard as my life, you can actually govern with this placebo therapy?’
‘Ha! You are clever!’
‘Umm, I wonder if I believe this,’ says Titus doubtfully. ‘Can you give me some examples? What can you cure?’
‘Everything! I can cure anything at all. Everything, everything, everything! Paranoia, schizophrenia, agoraphobia, snake phobias, fear of flying. You name it! The whole caboodle! From Münchausen by proxy to Tourette’s syndrome.’
Then something clicks inside Titus’ head. He thinks about Lenny.
‘What, can you cure Tourette’s?’
‘Yes indeed! Yep. Tourette’s is straightforward imagination. A malicious trick of the brain, pure and simple. There is no good reason why people should go around twitching and saying stupid things. No, they do it purely because their brains think they must. For imaginary illness there is only one remedy. And that is…’ puffs Doctor Rolf and moves his hand in a circle so that Titus finishes for him.
‘…imaginary therapy.’
‘Bravo, Titus! Imaginary therapy, placebo therapy, multi-therapy. We have many names for what we love.’
‘But how do you go about it, then? I mean, how can you cure somebody with Tourette’s, for example?’
‘Hard to generalise. But it is almost always a matter of going to extremes. Of going beyond every possible boundary. And then taking one more step, over the precipice. It is about putting people in a context that is so ridiculously exaggerated that they realise their own behaviour is trivial and of no consequence in a larger context. Then one continues to reduce and reduce their problems until they disappear completely. For a Tourette’s patient, for example, it might involve forcing the person to be extremely spasmodic and shout out dirty words for hours at a time during each therapy session. Perhaps dressed up as a clown, or something similar. It can be extremely tough going for all involved. My theory is that Tourette’s cases have a certain number of spasms inside them. If they try to curb their excesses, the effect is simply that they keep the larder well stocked with terrible things. In the worst cases, the larder will keep them supplied all their lives. No, it is better to hunt down the Tourette’s like mad dogs, and force all the shit out of them in a short period. Ride them in like wild horses at a rodeo. In the end, they tire of all the nonsense. We quite simply empty them of their spasms and expletives. But it can take three months. Years in the worst cases.’