When you appointed me Associate Director (pro tem.) of the National Security Agency, it was with the understanding that once I had rooted out those responsible for the Collapse, I could quickly return to my pastoral duties in the verdant hills of our dearly beloved Kentucky. As this report will show, our objective is impossible to accomplish, even though we now know how the Collapse began and who started it. I therefore wish to return home as soon as possible.
What I have found, sir, is a conspiracy so widespread, so pervasive (and perverse) that I do not see how anyone, even you, sir, with all your God-given courage and intelligence, and all the mighty powers of your high Office, can possibly avert the disaster that surely awaits our Nation and the world.
I could wax wroth at the things I have seen, and the attitudes of the men and women (especially the women) I have interrogated. I struggle to remain calm, so that I can set the facts on paper for you to see and judge. Lord knows, Someone Else is also watching and judging us all.
The facts, as I have been able to piece them together, are these:
We are facing nothing less than a global conspiracy led by the daughters of the so-called «Hippie Generation:» that is, the daughters of the women who came of age in the late 1960s and early 1970s. The fact that this is a global conspiracy, and that the Soviets and even the Chinese have been affected by it, offers scant consolation to America. We are all on the road to perdition and the total destruction of civilization.
It began, as you might suspect, in Los Angeles, that hotbed of drugs and licentiousness. You may recall the peace demonstrations that followed your Declaration of Nuclear Mobilization. Instead of rallying around their President and showing the Soviets and the other Godless Communists around the world that we are fully prepared to do battle against Evil even though Armageddon may result, the libertine element in our society organized marches, rallies, speeches, teach-ins, and other demonstrations in favor of «peace» (by which they meant surrender to the Satanists in the Kremlin).
I’m sure I don’t have to remind you of how the media displayed these misguided youths in their various rallies around the nation. They made it look as if everyone in America under the age of sixty was against you, sir, and your firm, manly stand against the Soviets.
We would have survived even that, however, if it had not been for a fateful coincidence and a certain Ms. Debbie Morganthaler, a student majoring in cinema history at UCLA.
As the attached documentation shows, I interrogated Ms. Morganthaler personally. She is twenty years old, blonde, preternaturally endowed, and a dedicated voluptuary. On a moral scale of one to ten, she would rate well below zero. She apparently has no moral sense whatever, no shame, and has steadfastly maintained ever since her arrest that, «What we did wasn’t wrong; it was beautiful.»
She also has a way of blinking her large blue eyes and taking deep breaths that has a decidedly disturbing effect on young men. As you may have already been informed, sir, she escaped custody several weeks ago and we have been unable, as yet, to locate her. It seems clear that she is being hidden and protected by an army of accomplices.
Ms. Morganthaler, in my opinion, does not have the intelligence to have planned and executed the Collapse. Either we are the victims of an incredible natural coincidence (a theory favored by many of my Secular Humanist colleagues here at NSA) or we have been deliberately tested in the scales by our Creator—and found wanting. Others of my colleagues believe that we are the victims of a subtle, malicious Communist plot. But inasmuch as the Soviet and Chinese societies have also Collapsed, I cannot put credence into that theory.
The coincidence (if there is one) is this: Ms. Morganthaler attended a performance of an ancient Greek drama, Lysistrata, as part of UCLA’s week-long peace demonstration. I was unfamiliar with the play, of course, since it is a filthy pagan Humanistic perversion. I assume that you, sir, are as innocent of its content as I was. I hereby quote the description of the play from the Fifteenth Edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Please excuse the lewd references; they are from the Encyclopedia, and they are necessary to an understanding of what has happened to us:
Lysistrata, ancient Greek comedy produced in 411 BC by Aristophanes, in which Lysistrata, an Athenian woman, ends the Second Peloponnesian War by having all the Greek women deny their husbands sexual relations while the fighting lasts. Before proclaiming her plans, she has the older women seize the Acropolis in order to control the treasury. The Spartan men, unable to endure prolonged celibacy, are the first to petition for peace, on any terms. Then Lysistrata, in order to hasten the war’s end, has a nude girl exposed to the two armies. Thereupon the Athenians and Spartans both, goaded by frustration, make peace quickly and depart for home with their wives.
This is the kind of smut that Ms. Morganthaler and her ilk exposed themselves to routinely. When I interrogated her, she admitted quite freely that the play made a considerable impression on her young mind. I quote from the transcript of her interrogation:
«Y’know, I heard my mom tell me about the Peace Movement back in the Sixties, when all the kids were saying, ‘Make love, not war.’ Y’know? And I saw this play, y’know, and all of a sudden it hit me! She got it ass-backwards! [Excuse the profanity, sir; it is included for the sake of completeness.] Lysistrata, I mean. Instead of saying no to the guys, what if every woman in the whole world said yes! Y’know, anytime! All the time! With any guy!»
Even now, my hands shake to think of how this Devil’s spawn of an idea swept the nation and the world.
Within a few days, Ms. Morganthaler and her debauched friends arranged a massive peace demonstration in front of the Los Angeles City Hail. Hundreds were arrested, most of them young women. They allowed themselves to be taken into custody overnight, but by dawn’s early light the entire group of them were on the streets once again, accompanied by most of the arresting officers—who appeared to be, according to eyewitness accounts, very disheveled, somewhat stunned and exhausted, yet grinning like a pack of happy apes.
Thus began the so-called Piece Movement. The entire LAPD quickly fell prey to the fiendish plot, and from Los Angeles it spread the length of California like a brushfire. Military bases, police departments, even the state legislature was soon engulfed in the deviltry. From California the Movement invaded Oregon and Nevada, barely hesitating a moment as it spread eastward. It leapfrogged much of the Bible Belt (but not for long, alas) and sprang up on the East Coast, especially in cities such as New York and Boston—longtime centers of sin, perversion, and Liberals.
Mexico was traumatized by the Piece Movement. Five centuries of Catholic mind control were swept away almost overnight. The civil war in El Salvador ceased within a week, and both Nicaragua and Cuba stopped sending troops and arms to their neighbor. The troops were making love, not war, and their guns lay rusting in the jungles where the soldiers had discarded them.
You might expect that the bulwark of American righteousness, the American Mother, would have stood firm against the Satanists. As I said, the Bible Belt did not fall immediately to the Piece Movement. But (and my face reddens with shame to report it) even the stout-souled wives and mothers of our once-Christian land succumbed to the diabolical Movement. I quote from my personal interrogation of Mrs. Nancy-Jean Wiggins, of Muncie, Indiana, a city that once prided itself on being «the buckle on the Bible Belt.»
Buckle, indeed!
Mrs. Wiggins is married to a deacon of the United Methodist Church, is the mother of four teenaged children (two daughters, two sons), and was selected by the FBI computer as a typically average American midwestern wife and mother.