When asked why she did not resist the Piece Movement, Mrs. Wiggins replied:
«Why, I certainly did resist it! Long as I could! But what’s a body to do, when every woman in the town is makin’ cow eyes at all the fellas? That hussy Rachel McCoy was rubbin’ up against my hubby and I saw that the only way to save my happy home was to rub him harder and better. So I did. And then my Marylou came home early from school with four boys taggin’ after her and they all looked so peaceful and happy and contented, and my hubby hadn’t gone down to the bowling alley in two whole weeks. [Mrs. Wiggins uses the term ‘bowling alley’ as a euphemism for ‘saloon.’] So I just said to myself, I said, ‘Nancy-Jean, this is God’s mysterious will at work: He told us to love one another, and I guess this is what He meant when He said that, and we just hadn’t been understanding Him rightly until now.’»
As you know, sir, the Devil can quote Scripture when it suits his purposes.
In less than two months, the United States ceased to have a credible military organization. Air Force officers were making love in missile silos. Our troops both at home and overseas lost every shred of discipline, and God alone knows what took place aboard our Navy’s far-flung ships. The moral Collapse engulfed our entire Nation, reaching up even into the House of Representatives and the Senate. It was unfortunate that a Fox News camera crew happened to be in the Senate gallery the afternoon that the orgy broke out, but inasmuch as the Fox crew and everyone else in the gallery soon joined in the debauchery, the video footage was poorly focused and of minimal quality. At any rate, by the time the Fox News executives decided to show it on television, everyone was much too busy fornicating to watch others doing the same thing.
Only the fact that the Piece Movement spread with the speed of light through Europe, Asia, and Africa has saved our beloved United States from total annihilation at the hands of the Godless Communists. Western Europe fell into a frenzy of lust, especially Italy, where the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally toppled, but no one noticed or cared. The Pope ordered the Vatican sealed off from all outside contact. No one has heard a word from the Vatican for four months now, although there are rumors that certain of the younger Cardinals have been seen along the Via Venetto, dressed in mufti.
The Warsaw Pact nations quickly fell to the Piece Movement, Poland being the first to succumb. According to some journalists, the Movement averted an imminent Russian invasion and thus saved the Poles from further repression. Martial law collapsed overnight (literally) in Poland, and the Russian troops assigned to crush Polish resistance were soon grappling with other matters. Tanks became bordellos, heavy artillery pieces became symbols of the new Movement, and were soon decorated with flowers by smiling Polish women and laughing Russian soldiers.
Despite every precaution, Russia itself fell to the onslaught. Reliable intelligence reports confirm that the sudden deaths of eight Politburo members (average age, seventy-three) can be attributed to the Movement. The USSR is in chaos, but the Russians do not seem to care.
Even China, long a model of organized patience, has gone wild. Someone in Beijing found a maxim of Confucius which, roughly translated, means, «If you can’t beat them, join them.» Seismographs as far away as San Francisco have borne vivid testimony to the vigor with which a billion Chinese are copulating.
Australia was the lone holdout, and I must confess that for several weeks I was tempted to emigrate Down Under. Separated from the rest of the world by the purifying ocean, this huge island continent remained steadfastly immune to the Piece Movement, mainly (I am told) because the average Australian male is inordinately shy of women and prefers to drink beer in the company of his fellow men, talking about sports rather than sex.
Unfortunately, a female American tourist—no doubt an agent provocateur—found the chink in the Aussie armor. She put the proposition in sporting terms. She bet the captain of the Australian Americas Cup yacht crew that his team could not equal the endurance record set recently by the crew of the American yacht, Pulsar. The Aussies accepted her challenge, although no one seems to know if they won the bet or not. No one has seen any of them since that fateful day.
However, once the average Australian male understood that the national honor was at stake, they leaped into the action with typical Australian enthusiasm. Sales of Foster’s Lager have fallen nearly to zero, and Australian women are raising funds to erect a monument to the Unknown American Tourist.
That is the whole sad story. A complete moral Collapse, everywhere in the world. True, there are no viable armies, navies, air forces, or nuclear strike units anywhere on the globe anymore. There is no threat of war. People everywhere are concentrating whatever energies they have left, after fornicating all night, to harvest record crops of food—although the food is merely to keep them nourished enough to continue their eternal lechery.
The world is at peace. Everyone seems deliriously happy. But what good is the world if we have lost our immortal souls? My own dear wife has disappeared into the suburban warrens of Alexandria. Her last words to me were, «Josh, you’re a party-poop!»
I have sent out teams of investigators to locate her. None of them have returned. One was polite enough to send his badge and tape recorder back to the Agency, by mail. No return address.
The American economy, like most industrial economies, is flourishing; industrial production seems to have benefitted from the Collapse. Retail sales of almost everything except guns are up: especially flowers, candy, and birth control devices. The Moral Majority has simply disappeared from the land. Yet, strangely, church attendance is increasing. However, the last minister to preach a sermon about the Sins of the Flesh was laughed out of his pulpit.
I must add, sir, that the rumors you may have heard about your own wife are entirely false. After very careful investigation, I can happily assure you that she has remained steadfastly true to you and you alone. I know that she gave away the pistol that she formerly kept on her person, but there appears to be no need for weapons anymore. Alas, why protect our bodies when we have already sold our souls? (Not that your wife has sold her soul, you understand. I merely meant that the incidence of violent crime has dropped to an undetectably low level. No one feels threatened anymore.)
The appropriate agencies are still searching for Ms. Morganthaler, but I do not hold out much hope for finding her. Most of the agents we have sent out have either disappeared or resigned.
I have no further desires now except to return to my ancestral home in the beloved green hills of Kentucky. A distant grand-niece of mine from back in Christian County has volunteered to drive me home this coming weekend. She is a comely young thing, and she has given me great comfort during the past few trying weeks.
She asked me if she could bring a few of her girl friends with her. There is plenty of room in the car. Therefore, I respectfully request to be relieved of my duties to you, sir, so that I can retire to my home, far from the turmoil of this modern world, to spend my remaining days in peace and contentment, as best I can.
A COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
You know you’re getting old when you start receiving Lifetime Achievement awards. That’s been happening to me with increasing frequency lately, so I know something of how Alexander Alexandrovich Ignatiev feels.
Heading for a new frontier, six lightyears from Earth, Ignatiev is an old man in the midst of youngsters. «Old» and «young» are relative terms here, for in this tale biomedical advancements have lengthened the human lifespan considerably.