The Best of Fredric Brown

The only trouble was that he was too good-looking, and didn't know it. He didn't know anything they hadn't taught him at Polytech and all they'd taught him was math and astrogation and how to salute, and they hadn't taught him how not to.

"Ellen," I started to say, "don't—"

^"Yes, Pop?^"

^"Uh—nothing. Skip it." I hadn^'t started to say that at all, but suddenly she grinned at me and I grinned back and it was just like we^'d talked the whole thing over. True, we hadn^'t got anywhere, but then we wouldn^'t have got anywhere if we had, if you know what I mean.

So just then we came to the top of a small rise, and we stopped because just ahead of us was the blank end of a paved street.

An ordinary everyday plastipaved street just like you^'d see in any city on Earth, with curb and sidewalks and gutters and the painted traffic line down the middle. Only it ran out to nowhere, where we stood, and from there at least until it went over the top of the next rise, and there wasn't a house or a vehicle or a creature in sight.

I looked at Ellen and she looked at me and then we both looked at Ma and Johnny Lane, who had just caught up with us. I said, "What is it, Johnny?^"

"It seems to be a street, sir."

He caught the look I was giving him and flushed a little. He bent over and examined the paving closely and when he straightened up his eyes were even more surprised.

I queried, ^'Well, what is it? Caramel icing?^"

^"It's Permaplast, sir. We aren^'t the discoverers of this planet because that stuff^'s a trademarked Earth product.^"

"Urn," I mumbled. "Couldn^'t the natives here have discovered the same process? The same ingredients might be available."

^"Yes, sir. But the blocks are trademarked, if you^'ll look closely."

"Couldn^'t the natives have—^" Then I shut up because I saw how silly that was. But it^'s tough to think your party has discovered a new planet and then have Earth-trademarked bricks on the first street you come to. ^"But what^'s a street doing here at all?" I wanted to know.

^"There^'s only one way to find out,^" said Ma sensibly. ^"And that^'s to follow it. So what are we standing here for?^"

So we pushed on, with much better footing now, and on the next rise we saw a building. A two-story red brick with a sign that read ^"Bon-Ton Restaurant^" in Old English script lettering.

I said, ^"I^'ll be a—^" But Ma clapped her hand over my mouth before I could finish, which was maybe just as well, for what I^'d been going to say had been quite inadequate. There was the building only a hundred yards ahead, facing us at a sharp turn in the street.

I started walking faster and I got there first by a few paces. I opened the door and started to walk in. Then I stopped cold on the doorstep, because there wasn^'t any ^"in^" to that building. It was a false front, like a cinema set, and all you could see through the door was more of those rolling greenish hills.

I stepped back and looked up at the "Bon-Ton Restaurant^" sign, and the others walked up and looked through the doorway, which I'd left open. We just stood there until Ma got impatient and said, ^"Well, what are you going to do?^"

'What do you want me to do?^" I wanted to know. ^"Go in and order a lobster dinner? With champagne?—Hey, I forgot."

The champagne bottle was still in my jacket pocket and I took it out and passed it first to Ma and then to Ellen, and then I finished most of what was left; I must have drunk it too fast because the bubbles tickled my nose and made me sneeze.

I felt ready for anything, though, and I took another walk through the doorway of the building that wasn^'t there. Maybe, I figured, I could see some indication of how recently it had been put up, or something. There wasn^'t any indication that I could see. The inside, or rather the back of the front, was smooth and plain like a sheet of glass. It looked like a synthetic of some sort.

I took a look at the ground back of it, but all I could see was a few holes that looked like insect holes. And that^'s what they must have been, because there was a big black cockroach sitting (or maybe standing; how can you tell whether a cockroach is sitting or standing?) by one of them. I took a step closer and he popped down the hole.

I felt a little better as I went back through the front doorway. I said, ^"Ma, I saw a cockroach. And do you know what was peculiar about it?^"

^"What?^" she asked.

^"Nothing," I told her. ^"That^'s the peculiar thing, there was nothing peculiar. Here the ostriches wear hats and the birds have propellers and the streets go nowhere and the houses haven't any backs to them, but that cockroach didn^'t even have feathers."

^"Are you sure?^" Ellen wanted to know.

^"Sure I'm sure. Let^'s take the next rise and see what^'s over it.^"

We went, and we saw. Down in between that hill and the next, the road took another sharp turn and facing us was the front view of a tent with a big banner that said, ^"Penny Arcade.^"

This time I didn^'t even break stride. I said, ^"They copied that banner from the show Sam Heideman used to have. Remember Sam, and the good old days, Ma?^"

^"That drunken no-good,^" Ma said.

^"Why, Ma, you liked him too.^"

"Yes, and I liked you too, but that doesn't mean that you aren^'t or he isn^'t^—"

^"Why, Ma,^" I interrupted. But by that time we were right in front of the tent. Looked like real canvas because it billowed gently. I said, "I haven't got the heart. Who wants to look through this time?^"

But Ma already had her head through the flap of the tent. I heard her say, "Why, hello Sam, you old soak.^"

I said, ^"Ma, quit kidding or I^'ll—^"

But by that time I was past her and inside the tent, and it was a tent, all four sides of one, and a good big one at that. And it was lined with the old familiar coin machines. There, counting coins in the change booth, was Sam Heideman, looking up with almost as much surprise on his face as there must have been on mine.

He said, ^"Pop Wherry! I^'ll be a dirty name.^" Only he didn^'t say ^"dirty name^"—but he didn^'t get around to apologizing to Ma and Ellen for that until he and I had pounded each other's backs and he had shaken hands around and been introduced to Johnny Lane.

It was just like old times on the carny lots of Mars and Venus. He was telling Ellen how she^'d been ^"so high^" when he^'d seen her last and did she really remember him?

And then Ma sniffed.

When Ma sniffs like that, there^'s something to look at, and I got my eyes off dear old Sam and looked at Ma and then at where Ma was looking. I didn't sniff, but I gasped.

A woman was coming forward from the back of the tent, and when I call her a woman it^'s because I can^'t think of the right word if there is one. She was St. Cecilia and Guinevere and a Petty girl all ironed into one. She was like a sunset in New Mexico and the cold silver moons of Mars seen from the Equatorial Gardens. She was like a Venusian valley in the spring and like Dorzalski playing the violin. She was really something.