“Well… go on.”
“Yes, well, I think it was partly the emotion about Toby, you know. And I was full of guilt about the crash. She… well, she helped me over that.”
“Who, Tamara?”
“No, of course not Tamara. Her. Emma.”
“Emma? Just a minute, Barney, I’m losing it a bit here…”
Afterwards, he thought, if he’d looked at her then… but he didn’t.
“Yes, she’s a doctor there. Oh, Amanda, I’m so, so sorry. Anyway, she was just fantastic the day Toby had his operation. I couldn’t have got through it without her. Of course, if you’d been there… but you weren’t.”
“No. No, I wasn’t.”
He did look at her now; she was very pale suddenly, and very still, her eyes darker.
“Go… go on,” she said. Her voice was strange, rather breathless…
“And… well, it just went on from there. Our relationship. It developed so quickly. It sounds kind of… well, cheesy, I know, but I couldn’t seem to help it. Neither of us could. We saw each other a few times, not many at all, but we did decide… well, I… I was going to tell you that night.”
“What night?” she said. Very slowly.
“The night your father died, I was waiting for you, and then while I was waiting your mother phoned, and of course I couldn’t… then.”
“No. Well, that was… very good of you.” Her voice wasn’t breathless now; it was low and very level.
“I know I’m a shit, Amanda. I know I behaved badly. Terribly badly. But… well, I did want to take care of you while you were so unhappy.”
“Yes, I see. And… what about her? Emma. While I was so unhappy?”
“I didn’t see her. Of course. We agreed it would be very wrong.”
“Nice of you both.”
He was silent; then he said, “Anyway, it’s over. For what it’s worth. Finally, I mean. She… finished it. She said it mustn’t go on.”
“Right. Well, that was very noble of her.” There was a silence while she looked round the room, rather wildly, as if she was seeking an escape, her eyes brilliant with tears. Her voice wasn’t tearful, though; it was still very level. “Yes, Barney. Very noble. I don’t suppose it occurred to her that it shouldn’t have gone on while you were engaged to someone else. Or occurred to you…”
“Amanda, I know that, obviously. Of course it shouldn’t have gone on. I can’t justify it or even explain it. I just didn’t seem to be able to help it.”
“No. So you keep saying. Anyway, it’s… it’s over, is it? Have you seen her since?”
“No. I haven’t. And yes, it is over. But… well, that doesn’t quite alter what I feel for you. Now.”
Another silence; he could feel her gathering her courage to go on.
“And what’s that?” she said finally.
“It’s not the same, Amanda. It just isn’t. It doesn’t feel right anymore. It used to be so perfect, and now it isn’t. I still love you very much, but-”
“Oh, please. So all that time while I was so wretched over Daddy and his funeral and even Christmas, you were thinking about her?”
“Well… in a way, yes. I was. But-”
She was crying now. “But it was her who finished it?”
“Yes, it was.”
“Well, good for her. At least she has some sense of right and wrong. I suppose you thought you’d just let it go on and on, enjoying both of us… or maybe you weren’t enjoying me. Just staying with me because you were sorry for me. God, Barney, that’s so horrible.”
“Amanda, I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I do still love you. Very much.”
“Yes, you keep saying. But… you… you don’t want to marry me, is that it?”
There was a long silence; it was the most difficult thing he had ever done, but he managed it.
“Yes, Amanda,” he said. “I’m so sorry, but that is it.”
When he heard the car finally pulling away from the house he picked up the phone and called Tamara.
“You cow,” he said. “How dare you, how dare you do that.”
“Do what?”
“You know perfectly well fucking what. Tell Amanda about me and Emma.”
There was a long silence; then she said, “Barney, I didn’t. I really, really didn’t.”
“But”-now he really was going to throw up-“but she knew. She said you told her.”
“I didn’t tell her about you and Emma, Barney. I told her about Toby and what he’d done to you. And me. That’s all. I swear to you, that’s absolutely all.”
CHAPTER 48
“Mummy, I want to go and get some sweets and my magazines.”
“Daisy darling, I’m awfully busy. I’ve got these plans to finish for someone.”
“You’re always busy now.”
This was true; it was the only way she could distract herself.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. Maybe when I’ve finished… Oh, no, Granny’s coming to take you all to the science museum.”
“Again? Boring.” This was Charlie.
“Charlie, don’t be rude. If you can’t find anything to interest you there, then I’m sorry for you.”
He shrugged. “So? It’s boring.”
“But, Mummy,” said Daisy, “I so want my magazines. Especially Animals and You; it’s got a free necklace. I could wear it to the museum and show Granny.”
“Daisy, I just haven’t got time.”
“It’s not fair. You never have time anymore.”
“Yes, darling, and I’m sorry. After this job, I won’t be so busy. Promise.”
“You said that last time,” said Charlie.
“Charlie, will you please stop being so difficult.”
“I’m not. I’m just telling the truth. And why shouldn’t Daisy get her stuff if she wants to?”
“Could Charlie take me?” said Daisy.
“I’m not taking her,” he said.
“Charlie, that’s not very helpful.”
“So? I don’t want to; I’m going to go on the computer, look at my Warhammer stuff.”
“Charlie, you are not going on the computer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m about to need it, that’s why.”
“That is just so mean. Anyway, I’m not taking her to get her stupid comic.”
“It’s not a comic.”
“Daisy, it’s a comic.”
Laura suddenly lost her temper.
“Charlie, stop being so difficult. Now, get your coat and Daisy’s and take her to the shop.”
“No.”
“I hate you,” wailed Daisy. “You’re so mean.”
“Charlie, I’m not telling you again. If you don’t take her you don’t get your pocket money, and then you won’t be able to buy any more Warhammer stuff.”
“That’s blackmail.”
“I don’t care. Go and get the coats. And, Charlie, look after her properly; don’t walk miles ahead.”
She’d at least get ten minutes’ peace. And maybe if she finished sooner, she could go and meet them all at the science museum for tea.
It was a difficult job, this one: a very dull modern flat that the owner had requested be given “some character. Only not too modern. Maybe a bit pretty, even. Curtains, not blinds, that sort of thing. But still contemporary; I don’t want it to look like something out of the seventies.”
Such instructions were fairly common.
Charlie and Daisy walked along the sidewalk, Daisy chattering, Charlie kicking a stone, ignoring her.
“Charlie, if I got a kitten, which I think I might-Mummy said just possibly-what shall I call it?”
He shrugged.
“I thought Paddypaws would be a nice name.”
“It’s a stupid name.”
“It’s not. It’s sweet. Well, what would you call it?”
“I don’t want a stupid kitten.”
“Kittens aren’t stupid.”
“Course they are.”
“Well… what pet would you like?”
“I don’t want a pet.”
“Everyone wants pets.”
“I don’t. Well, maybe a boa constrictor.”