Shahid What’s a fatwa?
Chad That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner — like what I did against that racist.
Hat Only it green.
Chad What?
Hat Allah is green, so his sword is green — you know, the colour of fertile land.
Chad Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.
Hat What confirmation?
Chad (stating the obvious) We have been given a miraculous sign.
Hat We blessed! What sort of sign?
Chad An arrow.
Shahid An arrow?
Chad Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.
Hat What type of arrow?
Chad I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.
Hat How can you plant an egg?
Chad You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.
Tahira enters with the aubergine on a silver salver. She places it in the middle of the room and begins circumambulating, followed by streams of others.
Tahira God has granted me the sight. Thanks to Shahid.
Hat It’s true, Shahid! You can see the arrow!
Chad Pointing straight at Islington.
Shahid How do you know it’s Islington?
Chad It where the writer live.
Shahid My room’s going to be wrecked by all these people.
Riaz enters, as the ‘pilgrims’ begin chanting.
Riaz As-salaam a-leikum, Shahid. You see how far-reaching is the power of Allah.
Shahid I didn’t realise Allah was vegetarian.
Riaz clocks Shahid momentarily, then laughs.
Riaz You have a good way with your words. (Taking Shahid aside.) Our people, most of them are from villages, half-literate and not wanted here. These miracles give them a voice in this land of so-called free expression. We who are educated, it is our duty to give this miracle a shape. I understand the Ayatollah is getting ready to make a big announcement.
Shahid Do you know what the fatwa will say?
Riaz It is a call to all Muslims to defend the faith against blasphemers.
Shahid What does that mean?
Riaz Surely it is obvious. The fatwa requires us to take whatever action is necessary. Just like the action we took against the racists. That writer insults us. To be against racism is to also be against blasphemers. I can see this troubles you, Shahid. Let us discuss this openly, like a family. I will tell all the brothers to assemble in your room early in the morning.
Brownlow enters, eager to talk to Riaz, who draws Shahid further away.
How is the typing coming?
Shahid I’ve had to change a few things in your poems.
Riaz Excellent. Are you having to translate my work into current English?
Shahid No, it’s more like –
Riaz Smoothing out?
Shahid Yes.
Riaz Good. What did you think of my poem?
Shahid Which one?
Riaz ‘The Wrath’. ‘The Wrath’.
Shahid I — uh — haven’t got to that one yet.
Riaz Chad says you have had some work published.
Shahid In a magazine. A while ago.
Riaz What was it called?
Shahid ‘Paki Wog Fuck Off Home’.
Riaz Did they publish it?
Shahid They were going to. Except my ammi tore up the manuscript. Said no one would want to read such filth.
Riaz Muslims like us will never get accepted.
Shahid Oh no, there’s nothing more fashionable than people like us. You, brother, could have a wide appeal if the media knew of you.
Riaz The media, yes. You must submit an article on this matter of blasphemy to the national newspapers.
Shahid It’s difficult, with my room now a pilgrimage site …
Riaz How are you getting on with Tahira?
Shahid Fine, fine. She’s a good brother — (correcting himself) sister.
Riaz An example to all our women. Modest. Obedient. She will make a good companion to a true young Muslim leader. And she wears no make-up.
Shahid What?
Riaz (reassuring) Let me see what I can do about your room. (Turning to Brownlow.) Welcome, Dr Brownlow to the site of the bona-fide miracle.
Brownlow I have arranged for Councillor R-R-Rudder to attend.
Riaz Excellent, excellent. You see, Shahid, all the great powers in the community are gathering in support of our cause. Councillor George Rugman Rudder is Labour leader of the entire elected council here. Will you write down what he says? (To Brownlow.) We need him to deliver a bigger place, Dr Brownlow.
Councillor Rudder enters, sporting a huge cigar. The crowd gathers behind Riaz and Brownlow, to welcome Rudder.
Rudder Hello there, people! Hello, all!
Riaz, Brownlow and Rudder shake hands while Hat takes a photo, and Shahid scribbles furiously.
Riaz Thank you for coming, Mr Rudder. We knew you would pay your respects.
Rudder Naturally, naturally. What a marvellous crowd, worshipping the fruit of the earth! What a popular aubergine, top of the vegetable table! What a sound method of communication the miracle is! Thank God a Tory borough wasn’t chosen!
Riaz Mr Rudder, our sincere thanks again for letting us use a private house in this public way. We understand how illegal it normally is. The whole community is eternally grateful. You are a true friend of Asia.
Chad (while continuing to circle the aubergine) Friend of Asia!
Hat (picking up the chant) And of Southall!
Tahira And of Newham!
Chad And of Brick Lane — Asia’s best friend!
Hat and Tahira lead in the chant ‘Friend of Asia, friend of Asia, Asia’s best friend!’ as they continue to circle the aubergine.
Rudder Yes, and I’ll be rewarded in heaven, no doubt. The Seventh Day Adventists have expressed deep satisfaction, and, it is said, mention my ailments in their prayers. Rastafarians shake my hand as I walk my dog. I am East London’s one true Anglo-Saxon friend! (To Riaz and Brownlow.) Naturally I have been generous enough to use my influence, against very racialist opposition, to open a private house in this way. But you are also smart enough to know, Riaz — and you are a smarty — that it can’t last for ever.