Deedee (offhand) How sad! (Beat.) Some of my other students are coming by later to eat and talk — why don’t you join us? You can pore through my Prince videos.
Shahid I’d like that. Thank you.
Deedee pulls from her bag a copy of Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses and hands it to Shahid.
Deedee Have you read this?
Shahid (taking it) Oh wow! Just the writer I’ve been talking about with my friends! Thanks.
He heads off to the canteen with the book. She lingers, watching him as he joins Riaz, who is in discussion with Brownlow, flanked by Chad, Hat and Tahira.
Riaz Communism has been a good idea to bring into the world, Dr Brownlow. But its repressive championing of atheism goes against fundamental human impulses, don’t you think?
Chad Right. Atheism only a tiny minority thing. Like transvestism.
Brownlow Y-y-you are confusing the p-p-practice with the ideal. That’s like equating the Ch-Ch-Church with the Bible.
Riaz The idea can only be as good as the practice. You have to admit Communism everywhere has failed to wipe out the base human disease of racism. Without God people think they can sin with impunity. There is no morality.
Chad Only extremity, ingratitude, hard-heartedness, like Thatcherism.
Riaz Capitalism in a nutshell, will you agree, Dr Brownlow?
Brownlow Oh, wh-wh-wholeheartedly! Her destruction of the working classes is one of the crimes of the century.
Chad They been saying God dead. But it being the other way round. Without the creator no one knows where they are or what they doing.
Riaz Allah-u-Akbar!
Deedee leaves.
All (except Shahid) Allah-u-Akbar!
Riaz We should pray.
Shahid Here?
Chad Allah’s command overtop all others, brother.
Riaz Will you join us, Dr Brownlow?
Brownlow (to Riaz) It w-w-would be an honour. I have papers to mark. This e-e-evening? If you w-w-would lead me?
Riaz Of course, of course.
Brownlow leaves.
Shahid Who is Dr Brownlow?
Hat Teaches history here. A couple of decades back he was at the Cambridge University –
Chad The top student of his year.
Hat Yeah, I’m telling you. He come from the upper middle classes. He could have done any fine thing. They wanted him at Harvard. Or was it Yale, Chad?
Chad He refused them places down.
Hat Yeah, he told them to get lost. He hated them all, his own class, his parents — everything. He come to this college to help us, the underprivileged niggers and wogs and margin people. He’s not a bad guy — for a Marxist-Communist –
Chad Leninist –
Tahira Trotskyist –
Hat Yeah, a Marxist-Communist-Leninist-Trotskyist type. He always strong on anti-racism. Isn’t that right, brother Riaz?
Riaz Dr Brownlow has a good heart.
Chad Problem is –
Hat (to Shahid) Yeah, listen — problem is — he been developing this st-st-st-stutter.
Shahid It’s a new thing then, is it?
Hat Yeah, it come on since the Communist states of Eastern Europe began collapsing. As each one goes over he get another syllable on his impediment, you know. In a lecture, it took him twenty minutes to get the first word out. He was going h-h-h-he-he … we didn’t know if he was trying to say Helsinki, hear this, help, or what.
Shahid What was it?
Hat Hello.
Chad By the time Cuba goes he won’t even manage that, I reckon.
Tahira You met his wife — Deedee Osgood.
Shahid She’s his wife?
Chad She his wife.
Tahira Keep away from her.
Shahid Why?
Tahira Riaz has evidence that her family are nudists.
Beat, as the others consider the comment.
And she always watching Top of the Pops.
Shahid Really?
Chad Without God-consciousness you can get away with everything. And when that happens you’re lost. Now I know God is watching me. With him seeing every single damn thing, I have to be pretty careful about what I’m up to.
Shahid Like living in a greenhouse?
Riaz Everything you do and think is witnessed. Time to pray.
As Riaz and the others get ready to pray, a student walks through the group.
Chad Oi — this here our multicultural democratic right, so fuck off!
The student hurries off. Bell rings. Music, as they all disperse. Shahid returns to his digs, putting away his copy of The Satanic Verses.
SCENE FOUR
Shahid’s digs. Evening. Shahid is dressing to go out. A knock on the door.
Shahid Come.
Chad enters.
Chad Hey, going somewhere, yaar?
Shahid Na, just a function, you know, student thing.
Chad Good, good. We need the room — expecting many more people coming to our meeting tonight.
Hat barges in.
Hat Hey, Shahid, there’s someone looking for you.
Shahid Who?
Hat He wearing crocodile shoes.
Shahid (quickly) Please, Hat, say I had to go out.
Chad Hat don’t tell no lies.
Shahid Sorry?
Hat No, I’m training to be an accountant.
Enter Chili, smartly dressed.
Chili How you doing, baby brother? Hug me, babe. Toot sweet.
They hug.
Shahid Chad, Hat, this is my brother Chili.
Hat Hi.
They shake hands.
Chili shakes hands with Chad, who then sniffs his fingers and makes a face at Hat, as they leave.
Chili Where the hell to sit?
Shahid gathers the manuscript to take to Deedee’s.
Why are you being in a hurry with me, brother?
Shahid I’m not.
Chili You tapping your foot.
Shahid I got an appointment, Chili.
Chili Pussy?
Shahid No! A tutor from the college.
Chili Ah-ha. You’re starting to pull — the family is delighted. Remember what Uncle Asif always said: ‘Your country’s gone to the wogs, boys! Pakistanis in England now have to do everything — win the sports, present the news, run the shops and businesses, as well as fuck the women. You’ve got the brown man’s burden.’