Lilian Jackson Braun
The Cat Who Played Post Office
1
A caucasian male — fiftyish, six-feet-two, weight two-thirty, graying hair, bushy moustache — opened his eyes and found himself in a strange bed in a strange room. He lay still, in a state of peculiar lassitude, and allowed his eyes to rove about the room with mild curiosity. Eyes that might be described as mournful surveyed the steel footboard of the bed, the bare window, the hideous color of the walls, the television on a high shelf. Beyond the window a tree was waving its branches wildly.
He could almost hear his mother's musical voice saying, "The tree is waving to you, Jamesy. Wave your hand like a polite little boy." Jamesy? Is that my name? It doesn't sound — exactly — right… Where am I? What is my name?
The questions drifted across his consciousness without arousing anxiety — only a vague perplexity.
He had a mental picture of an old man with a Santa Claus beard standing at his bedside and saying, "You haft scarlet fever, Jamesy. Ve take you to the hospital and make you veil." Hospital? Is this a hospital? Do I have scarlet fever?
Although undisturbed by his predicament, he was beginning to have an uncomfortable feeling that he had neglected something of vital importance; he had failed someone close to him. His mother, perhaps? He frowned, and the wrinkling of his brow produced a slight hurt. He raised his left hand and found a bandage on his forehead. Quickly he checked other parts of his anatomy. Nothing was missing and nothing seemed to be broken, but the movement of his right knee and right elbow was restricted by more bandages. There was also something unusual about his left hand. He counted four fingers and a thumb, and yet something was wrong. It was baffling. He sighed deeply and wondered what it could possibly be that he had neglected to do.
A strange woman — plump, white haired, smiling — bustled into the room with noiseless steps. "Oh, you're awake!
You had a good night's sleep. It's a beautiful day, but windy. How do you feel, Mr. Cue?" Cue? Jamesy Cue? Is that my name?
It sounded unlikely, if not absurd. He passed his hand over his face experimentally, feeling a familiar moustache and a jaw he had shaved ten thousand times. As a voice test he said aloud to himself, "I remember the face but not the name." "My name? Toodle," the woman said pleasantly. "Mrs. Toodle. Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Cue? Dr.
Goodwinter will be here in a few minutes. I'll take your jug and bring you some fresh water. Are you ready for brekky?" As she left the room with the jug in hand, she called over her shoulder, "You have bathroom privileges." Bathroom privileges. Brekky. Toodle.
They were foreign words that made no sense. The old man with a beard had told him he had scarlet fever. Now this woman was telling him he had bathroom privileges. It sounded like some kind of embarrassing disease. He heaved another sigh and closed his eyes to wait for the old man with a Santa Claus beard. When he opened them again, a young woman in a white coat was standing at his bedside, holding his wrist.
"Good morning, lover," she said. "How do you feel?" The voice had a familiar ring, and he remembered her green eyes and long eyelashes. Around her neck hung a tubular thing, the name of which escaped him. Hesitantly he asked, "Are you my doctor?" "Yes, and more — much more," she said with a wink.
He began to feel familiar sensations. Is she my wife? Am I a married man? Am I neglecting my family? Again he felt a twinge of guilt about the responsibility he was shirking, whatever it might be. "Are you — are you my wife?" he asked in a faltering voice.
"Not yet, but I'm working on it." She kissed an unbandaged spot on his forehead. "You still feel groggy, don't you?
But you'll be A-OK soon." He looked at his left hand. "Something's missing here." "Your watch and ring are in the hospital safe until you're ready to go home," she explained gently.
"Oh, I see… Why am I here?" he asked fearfully, worrying about the indelicate nature of his disease.
"You fell off your bicycle on Ittibittiwassee Road. Do you remember?" Ittibittiwassee. Bathroom privileges. Brekky. Groggy.
What language, he wondered, were these people speaking? He ventured to ask, "Do I have a bicycle?" "You did have a bike, lover, but it's totaled. You'll have to buy a ten-speed now." Totaled. Ten-speed. Toodle, He shook his head in dismay. Clearing his throat, he said, "That woman who came in here said I have bathroom privileges. What is that? Is it — is it some kind of — " "It means you can get out of bed and walk to the bathroom," said the doctor with a smile twitching her lips. "I'll be back when I've finished my rounds." She kissed him again." Arch Riker is coming to see you. He's flying up from Down Below." Then she walked from the room with a long leggy stride and a chummy wave of the hand.
Arch Riker. Down Below. What was she talking about? And who was she? To ask her name would have been embarrassing under the circumstances. He shrugged in defeat, hoisted himself out of bed, and hobbled to the bathroom.
There in the mirror were sad eyes, graying temples and an oversized pepper-and-salt moustache that he recognized. Still, the name eluded him.
When the woman who called herself Toodle brought a tray of what she called brekky, he ate the blob of something soft and yellow, the two brown patties that were salty and chewy, the triangular slabs of something thin and crisp, which he smeared with something red and sweet. But he was glad to lie down again and close his eyes and stop trying to think.
He opened them suddenly. A man was standing at his bedside — a paunchy man with thinning hair and a ruddy face that he had seen many times before.
"You dirty bird!" the visitor said genially. "You gave us a scare! What were you trying to do? Kill yourself? How do you feel, Qwill?" "Is that my name? I can't remember." The man gulped twice and turned pale. "All your friends call you Qwill. Short for Qwilleran. Jim Qwilleran, spelled with a Q-w." The patient studied the information and nodded slowly. "Don't you remember me, Qwill? I'm Arch Riker, your old sidekick." Qwilleran stared at him. Sidekick. Another baffling word. "We grew up together in Chicago, Qwill. For the last few years I've been your editor at the Daily Fluxion. We've had a million lunches at the Press Club." The light began to penetrate Qwilleran's foggy mind. "Wait a minute. I want to sit up." Riker pressed a button that raised the head of the bed and pulled up a straight chair for himself. "Melinda called me and said you fell off your bike. I came right away." "Melinda?" "Melinda Goodwinter. Your latest girl, Qwill, Also your doctor, you lucky dog." "What is this place?" Qwilleran asked, "I don't know where I am." "This is the Pickax Hospital. They brought you here after your accident." "Pickax? What kind of a hospital is that?" "Pickax City — four hundred miles north of everywhere. You've been living here for the last couple of months." "Oh, Is that when I left Chicago?" "Qwill, you haven't lived in Chicago for twenty years," Riker said quietly. "You've lived in New York, Washington — all around the country since then." "Wait a minute. I want to sit in that big chair." Riker picked up a red plaid bathrobe with ragged edges, "Here, get into this. It looks like yours. It's the Mackintosh tartan. Does that ring a bell? Your mother was a Mackintosh." Qwilleran's face brightened, "That's right! Where is she? Is she all right?" Riker drew a deep breath. "She died when you were in college, Qwill." He paused to formulate a plan, "Look here.
let's go back to the beginning. I've known you ever since kindergarten. Your mother called you Jamesy. We called you Snoopy. Do you remember why?" Qwilleran shook his head.
"You were always snooping into other kids' lunch boxes," He searched Qwilleran's face for a glimmer of recollection.
"Do you remember our first-grade teacher? She was thin at the top and fat at the bottom. You said, 'Old Miss Blair looks like a pear, Remember that?" There was a slight nod and half smile in response.