I immediately flipped off the sheet to see what they had done to my one good leg. The sheet would not flip. So I snuck up on it. It was too smart for me. So I tried to outwit it-after all, a sheet can't be smarter than a man. Can it be?
Yes, it can.
Finally I said to myself. Look, chum, we are getting nowhere. Let's try assuming that Mistress Minerva was being precisely truthfuclass="underline" This is a bed with built-in plumbing, capable of handling the worst a bedfast patient can do. So saying, I worked a couple of ballistic problems in my head-hairy em-piricals guaranteed to distract even a man waiting at the guillotine.
And cut loose with half a liter, sighed, then let go with the other half. No, the bed did not seem to be wet. And a feminine voice cooed, "Good baby!"
I looked hastily around. No vocal cords to go with the voice- "Who said that and where are you?"
"I'm Teena, Minerva's sister. I'm no farther away than your elbow... yet I'm half a kilometer away and two hundred meters down. Need anything, just ask me. We stock it or make it or fake it. Miracles we do at once; anything else even sooner. Exception: Virgins are a special order... average lead time, fourteen years. Factory rebuilt virgins, fourteen minutes."
"Who in hell wants a virgin? Mistress Teena, do you think
it is polite to watch roe take a pee?"
"Youngster, don't try to tell your grandmother how to steal sheep. One of my duties is to watch everything in all departments of this fun house and catch mistakes before they happen. Two: / am a virgin and can prove it... and I am going to make you sorry you were bom male for uttering that disparaging
crack about virgins."
(Oh, hell!) "Mistress Teena, I did not mean to offend you. I was simply embarrassed, that was all. So I spoke hastily. But I do think micturition and such should be granted privacy."
"Not in a hospital, bud. They are significant aspects of the clinical picture, every time."
"Uh-"
"Here comes my sister. If you don't believe me, you can ask her."
A couple of seconds later the wall opened and Mistress Minerva came in, carrying a hospital-bed urinal of the old-fashioned sort-no automatic machinery, no electronic controls. I said, "Thank you. But I no longer need it. As I'm sure your sister told you."
"Yes, she did. But surely she didn't tell you that she had?"
"No, I deduced it. Is it true that she sits somewhere in the basement and snoops on every patient? Doesn't she find it boring?"
"She doesn't really pay any attention until it's needed. She has thousands of other things to do, all more interesting-"
"Far more interesting!" that faceless voice interrupted. "Minnie, he doesn't like virgins. I let him know that I am one. Confirm it, Sis; I want to rub his nose in it."
'Teena, don't tease him."
"Why not? It's fun to tease men; they wiggle so when you poke them. Though I can't see what Hazel sees in this one. He's a sad sack."
'Teena! Colonel, did Athene tell you that she is a computer?"
"Eh? Say that again."
"Athene is a computer. She is the supervising computer of this planet; other computers here are just machines, not sentient. Athene runs everything. Just as Mycroft Holmes once ran everything on Luna-I know that Hazel told you about him." Minerva smiled gently. "So that's how Teena can claim to be a virgin. Technically she is one, in the sense that a computer can have no experience in carnal copulation-"
"But I know all about it!"
"Yes, Sis. -with a male human. On the other hand, when she transfers to a meat-and-bone body and becomes human, in another technical sense she will no longer be virgin because her hymen will have been atrophied in vitro and any vestigial tissue trimmed away before her animal body is kindled. That's how it was done with me."
"And you were out of your mind, Minnie, to let Ishtar sell you that; I'm not going to do it that way. I've decided to have the works. A real maidenhead and both ritual and physical defloration. Even a bridal costume and a wedding if we can swing it. Do you think we can sell that to Lazarus?"
"I doubt it intensely. And you would be making a silly mistake. Unnecessary pain on first copulation could start you out with bad habits in what should always be an utterly happy experience. Sister, sex is the most important reason to become human. Don't spoil it."
'Tammy says it doesn't hurt all that much."
"Why let it hurt at all? Anyhow, you won't get Lazarus to agree to a formal wedding. He promised you a place in our family; he did not promise you anything else."
"Maybe we should volunteer Colonel Zero here. He's going to owe me plenty of favors by then and Maureen says nobody ever notices the bridegroom anyhow. How about it, soldier boy? Think of the honor of being my bridegroom at a swank June wedding. Careful how you answer."
My ears were ringing and I felt a headache coming on. If I just closed my eyes, would I find myself back in my bachelor
digs in Golden Rule?
I tried it, then opened them. "Answer me," the disembodied
voice persisted.
"Minerva, who repotted my little maple?"
"I did. Tammy pointed out that it didn't have room to breathe, much less grow, and asked me to find a bigger pot. I-"
"I found it." 'Teena found it and I repotted it. See how much happier it
is? It's grown more than ten centimeters."
I looked at the little tree. And looked again. "How many days have I been in this hospital?"
Minerva suddenly had no expression at all. The Teena voice said, "You didn't say how big a brontosaurus you wanted for breakfast. Better make it a little one, huh? The older ones are terribly tough. So everybody says."
Ten centimeters- Hazel had said she would see me "in the morning." Which morning, dear one? Two weeks ago? Or longer? "The older ones aren't tough if they are hung properly. But I don't want to wait while the meat ages. Would there be any such delay with waffles?"
"Oh, no," agreed Teena's voice. "Waffles aren't common here but Maureen knows all about them. She was brought up, she says, only a few kilometers from where you were reared, and at almost the same time, give or take a century or so. So she knows the sort of cooking you are used to. She explained to me all about waffle irons and I experimented until I made one just the way she wanted it. How many waffles can you eat, fatty?"
"Five hundred and seven."
There was a short silence, then Teena said, "Minerva?"
"I don't know."
"But," I went on, "I'm on a diet, so let it go with three."
"I'm not sure I want you as my bridegroom."
"In any case you haven't consulted Hazel. My bride."
"No obstacle; Hazel and I are pals. Years and years. She'll make you do it. If I decide to use you. I'm not certain about you, Dickie boy; you veer."
"'Dickie boy,' huh? Do you know my Uncle Jock? Jock Campbell?"
"The Silver Fox. Do I know Uncle Jock! We won't invite him, Dickie; he would claim jus primae noctis."
"Have to invite him. Mistress Teena; he's my closest relative. All right, I'll stand up as bridegroom and Uncle Jock will take care of deflowering the bride. Wrap it up."
"Minerva?"
"Colonel Richard, I do not think that Athene should do this. I have known Dr. Jock Campbell for many years, and he has known me. If Athene insists on this silly thing, I do not think she should give herself first to Dr. Campbell. A year or two later, when she knows-" Minerva shrugged. "They are free persons."
Teena can work it out with Hazel and Jock; it wasn't my idea. When does this crime take place?"
"Almost at once; Athene's clone is almost matured. About three of your years."
"Oh. I thought we were talking about next week. I'll stop worrying; the horse might learn to sing."