The Christian way.
The Taoist way.
The Buddhist way.
I don’t believe in ways.
Humans are apes.
And apes can’t follow ways.
They follow their instincts.
I used to believe in God.
And tried to live the Christian way.
But instead I followed my instincts.
Man is constantly at war with his instincts.
Man is constantly at war.
I used to believe in God.
But it faded.
As everything fades.
The saddest thing about existence.
Is that everything fades into the past.
The past is so remarkable.
In my past.
I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t read.
I got into fights with schoolmates.
I scored touchdowns playing football.
I smoked weed.
Played in a band.
Had braces.
Got a root canal.
Had sex with a fat girl in a church.
Went to the mental ward.
Graduated from high school.
Lived in California and Oregon.
Went to Mexico and smoked meth.
All that lies in my past.
I was there for that.
That was me doing those things.
Now they’re gone.
All part of the history of my existence.
And someday this will be part of my history on this planet.
There is much history in every person.
It’s unbearable to think about.
We all live long lives.
Absurdity.
Jimmy and I get into our own cars.
The radio is announcing the beginning of the war.
We have already launched cruise missiles.
They are currently pelting Baghdad.
While I drive to the strip joint.
People are dying.
Buildings are being blown up.
Humans are scared.
Americans soldiers are celebrating because they hit their targets.
While I drive to the strip joint.
I’m happy.
There’s no better place to take away a man’s anguish.
I go to the strip joint every time I feel sad.
Even if I don’t have money.
I go and get a lap dance.
I get some young girl to rub her butt on my penis.
It makes me feel better about being human.
Some say it’s immoral that I go to strip joints.
But I don’t care.
Everyone needs a little immorality in their life.
The war has started.
I get to the strip joint and walk in.
It’s a little shitty place.
There’s a small bar.
Only two men are there.
One old white guy wearing a button-down t-shirt.
He looks like he’s retired from Packard and has money to spend.
The other one is an old black guy.
He looks like he still works but has money to spend.
Jimmy and I sit down at the bar.
There’re two girls circulating the bar.
One is a mixed girl named China.
She’s a beautiful girl.
I think she does coke.
And there’s an ugly white girl.
I think she’s an alcoholic.
I don’t know why anyone would let that ugly white girl dance for them.
She’s fucking putrid.
The girls’ dressing room door is open. I see a pretty white girl getting ready in there.
It looks like Jamie.
Could it be Jamie?
I used to love Jamie this time last year.
I was obsessed with her.
I even wrote a book with her as the star.
She smells so good.
But she hasn’t worked here in a while.
I was hoping she would be here.
She will take away all my suffering.
The girl walks out of the bathroom.
And it’s not Jamie.
I wanted Jamie.
Jamie is so beautiful.
It’s unreal.
I sit sad.
Absurdity.
“Jimmy, I feel like crying,” I say.
“Why? You’re at a strip joint, you should be happy.”
“Because Jamie isn’t here, I wanted Jamie. Where’s Jamie? I want to find her.”
“Dude, why do you care about Jamie? She’s a whore.”
“Because she was interesting, she was crazy. I love crazy girls.”
“You need to stop dating crazy girls. All crazy girls do is fuck up your life.”
“I don’t care about my life, I want crazy girls,” I say.
“You’re sick.”
“I’m not sick, I’m the pinnacle of normalcy.”
“No, you’re sick and mad.”
“You could be right.”
“None of these girls are very attractive,” Jimmy says.
“This is the shittiest strip joint in America. What do you expect?”
“I don’t know, attractive girls.”
“All the attractive girls work at the Babylon, you know that,” I say.
“I know, but that place is expensive.”
“If you want hot girls, you got to pay the cash. Supply and demand, you know.”
“Yeah, who cares? China is still hot though.”
“You know it.”
I watch China dance for the old white guy.
The old white guy loves it.
He smiles.
He knows there’s a war.
We all do.
But the girls have to make money.
And the men have to get boners.
That is the law of the strip joint.
I always wanted to date a stripper.
But the girls never go out with me.
But fuck it, who cares.
So I’ve never dated a stripper.
And I probably never will.
That’s existence.
Jimmy is sitting next to me, staring at the girl who’s not Jamie swinging on the bar.
I look at the girl and don’t care.
I want Jamie.
The girl is overweight anyway.
And she’s really tall.
Which I despise in women.
I can’t stand a woman to be above five foot five.
And she’s like five nine.
Jimmy is enthralled.
He probably has a boner.
I don’t have a boner.
I want one, though.
And I’m not leaving until I get one.
I got money and I want to spend it.
On perversion.
The song ends and the Jamie wannabe gets off the poll and comes over to me.
I stare at her as she walks over.
She stands before me: a tall red-headed giant.
“Hi, my name’s Star. What’s your name?”
I don’t want to give her my name, she’s not Jamie.
“Mark.”
“Would you like a dance?”
I think about it for a long second.
I really don’t want this girl to dance for me.
I’m not even attracted to her.
Kendra is better looking than her.
When you go to the strip joint, you’re supposed to see girls hotter than the people you fuck.
“Yeah, I’ll take a dance.”
The song starts.
She begins bouncing her butt off my penis.
I’m not enjoying it.
I stare at China from across the room.
She’s still trying to get money out of the old guy.
The redhead turns around and shows me her breasts.
Her nipples are pierced, of course.
She rubs her breasts in my face.
That is nice.
She does a bunch of other tricks to get me horny and get money out of me.
But they don’t work.
I remain bored during the whole thing.
The song ends.
I give her a five.
She sits down next to me.
“So what do you do?” she says.
“I write,” I say.
“What do you write about?”
“About what it means to be human.”
“What does it mean to be human?” she says.
“I don’t know.”
“How do you write about it then?”
“I just write it.”
“You just write it, that’s it.”
“Yes, I type, then it’s all right there.”