David was fat and unattractive.
Jimmy was attractive and disturbed.
“Do I look ugly?” David asked.
“No, you look great,” Jimmy said while reading a book.
“Because I think I look ugly.”
“Why do you care so much?”
“Because I look ugly, do I look ugly?”
“Do you think you look ugly?” Jimmy said.
“I don’t care what I think. I want to know what you think.”
“I think you’re a beautiful man.”
“You do, really?”
“Yeah, you’re a great-looking man.”
“But do you think I’m ugly?” David said.
“You believe in God, don’t you? Do you think He thinks you’re ugly?”
“I don’t know. Do you think God thinks I’m ugly?”
“I don’t think He cares.”
“Why wouldn’t He care if I’m ugly or not?”
“Well, I would think He had more important things to dwell on.”
“I don’t know what He would dwell on besides my ugliness… Do you think I’m ugly?”
“No, I think you have a wonderful face. It’s very symmetrical.”
“You think?” David said.
“Oh yeah, it’s marvelous.”
“My mother’s dead.”
“She is? How come?”
“Her heart stopped beating.”
“That must have been tragic,” Jimmy said while still reading.
“It was. She was my best friend.”
“Your mother is watching you from heaven. That’s what dead people do, they watch us, even in the shower. I won’t even masturbate because I think dead people are watching. They watch all the time. Every moment of the day, there’s a dead person watching.”
“My mother sees me lying here in the mental ward.”
“Yeah, she’s watching right now. She even watches when you shit.”
“I don’t want my mother to know I’m here.”
“She knows, and she’s crying a tear in heaven.”
“Do you think I’m ugly? I don’t want to be ugly.”
David got up and walked in front of Jimmy’s bed.
He stood there retarded and drunk-like.
“No one does. It’s horrible to be ugly. I’d rather be pretty than smart any day.”
“You would?”
“Yes, of course. Why would anybody want to be smart? It’s such a hassle, knowing and understanding things. Intelligence causes suffering, but being hot, that just gets you laid.”
“I haven’t been laid in three years,” David said.
“That’s sad. You should save up and go to a prostitute. They’re very convenient.”
“I would never do that. I believe in God.”
“It’s obvious God doesn’t care about you, so I don’t see why you wouldn’t.”
“But my mother would be watching.”
“You’re right, she would… Why don’t you go to a bar and meet someone?”
“I get nervous around girls.”
“I get horny around them.”
“Do you think I’m ugly?”
“I don’t trust my own thoughts, so I’m not going to answer that.”
“Please answer?”
“No, I refuse. You answer it.”
“I can’t, I’m not you.”
“No, you’re not. But I no longer trust my own thoughts, my thoughts don’t make sense anymore, I’m always thinking something I don’t want to be thinking, but I think I want to think. Then I think what I’m thinking is right and true, but then I think of something else that contradicts that, then I think some more, then I take pills and cry.”
“Yeah, but do you think I’m ugly?”
“No, you’re beautiful. Seriously. Sit down, you’re making me nervous.”
David went back to his bed and lay down.
Jimmy kept on reading.
“They put me on new pills,” David said.
“How’s that working out?”
“I’m nervous.”
“So am I, but then I touched myself while thinking of the Rocky Mountains.”
“Sometimes I touch myself.”
“Good, don’t tell me about it.”
“I’m nervous.”
“So am I, it’s unbearable. I’ll have to eat today, go to the bathroom, I’ll probably shit, and then I’ll have to wipe my ass. It’s such a burden to exist. There’s a lot a person has to do to get through the day, and I have no interest in doing any of it. Why can’t I be left alone? I don’t want to wipe my ass, it’s disgusting. Don’t you think it’s grotesque.”
“No, I enjoy it.”
“Of course you would, you’re fucking sick.”
“I’m not sick. The doctor says I’m normal, but do you think I’m ugly?”
“I like the doctor, he gives me pills. Some people say depression is all in your head, but I’m like where else would it be, in your foot… People are delightfully annoying… Do you like people? Because I sure as hell don’t.”
David stood up on his bed and scratched his bulbous tummy.
“I’m fat. You think I’m fat?” David asked.
“No, you’re like Adonis,” Jimmy replied.
“I’m like Adonis?”
“Yes, you’re a Greek god, David.”
Melissa walked into the room and sat down on the edge of Jimmy’s bed.
She was short and attractive.
“I got out of bed today,” Melissa said.
“You did, that’s beautiful,” Jimmy said.
“Yeah, I’m real proud of myself.”
“You should never exalt yourself.”
“The doctor says I should be proud.”
“The doctor is a madman. He lies to small children.”
“No he doesn’t, he’s an honest man,” Melissa said.
“Don’t believe him. He walks among the dogs.”
“What dogs?” Melissa asked.
“The devil dogs of the black forest,” Jimmy replied.
“I doubt the doctor ever goes near a forest. He lives in Youngstown.”
“So does Jesus.”
“Jesus doesn’t live in Youngstown. He lives in heaven.”
“No, Jesus is a crack addict named Tyrone who lives in the projects. He drives a Chevelle instead of a donkey.”
David still stood on his bed.
“I’m afraid,” Melissa said.
“Of what?” Jimmy said.
“Of the day. The sun is out. There’s light. Maybe it’s time for our cigarette break.”
“Ten minutes till cigarette break. I can’t wait, I’m so excited.”
“Do you think we’ll ever get out of here?”
“Don’t know, don’t care. I don’t want to go back out there, I’ll have to get a job and function. In the mental ward, you don’t have to function. It’s great.”
“I know. I like not functioning. It’s peaceful,” Jimmy said.
“We’re wild humans. No one wants us out there.”
“I had a job six months ago, I worked at Taco Bell.”
“How’d that go?”
“The boss said I was doing a bad job, so I threw a taco at her head.”
“Did it hit her?”
“No, it missed.”
“That’s sad.”
“Do you think I’m ugly, Melissa?” David said.
“No, you look good, David,” Melissa said.
“Do I really?” David said.
“Yeah, do you want to have sex?” Melissa said.
“Can we?” David asked.
“You’re retarded, Melissa,” Jimmy said.
“I haven’t had sex in over a month,” Melissa said.
“Why do you have to be such a whore?” Jimmy said.
“I’m not a whore. I’m a good girl.”
“There are no good people,” Jimmy said.
“My mother is a great person,” Melissa said.
“Every time your mother comes in, she tells you you’re fat.”
“I love my mother.”
“Your mother is evil, evil I say, evil!”
Melissa jumped on top of Jimmy and began punching him.
Jimmy threw her off.
“Take that back!” Melissa yelled.
“Fine, your mother is not a crazy bitch. She’s a completely normal human being.”