I got a phone call from Sir Humphrey Appleby, the Cabinet Secretary, asking how the race for the leadership looked from the Whips Office.
He knew the grim prospect only too well. If Eric got Number Ten there would have been a split in the party in three months. If Duncan, there would have been a split in three weeks.
He gave me some startling information. He revealed that there were security question marks over both candidates. I pressed him for details but he said that he could say no more. The only person he could disclose this to, in the PMs absence, and since it was essentially a party matter, was the Chairman of the Party. [Jim Hacker Ed.] [The Prime Minister, having announced his resignation, went abroad on what where ostensibly goodwill visits to friendly countries. In reality he was setting up a lucrative lecture tour and some profitable consultancies Ed.]
He had invited Hacker to a meeting in the Cabinet Office, and wanted me to be there also. Naturally I accepted. He also asked me to suggest a compromise candidate. My first thought was that it could be any one of half a dozen.
Sir Humphrey asked if Id considered the Party Chairman himself. The idea of Jim Hacker as Prime Minister, though it struck me as ludicrous at first, rapidly became an idea that was really no worse than any other. After all, who is fit for the job? You never know, till you suck it and see.
Sir Humphrey pointed out that there have been less likely Prime Ministers. I wonder who. [Extensive research suggests that Sir Humphrey must have been referring to the Marquis of Bute Ed.]
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
January 4th
I got a message to see Sir Humphrey urgently, in his office. To my surprise Jeffrey Pearson, the Chief Whip, was also there. A big burly man, with twinkling eyes just visible behind huge heavy-framed glasses topped by a shiny bald head which reflected the overhead chandelier. I felt I should have brought my sunglasses.
Humphrey was at his most courteous. So good of you to call, Minister. I have a problem. I need your help.
Cant you run the country on your own? I asked.
He was not amused. Yes, it is rather a grave matter, Im afraid.
I became grave at once.
Its about the leadership election. The PM felt that he had no alternative but to call you in.
So it was that bad. I nodded, and waited. Then he said something that I couldnt quite get the hang of -- perhaps I wasnt concentrating properly.
Sir Humphreys remarks that Hacker couldnt follow are recorded in a minute, reproduced opposite, which Sir Humphrey sent to the Prime Minster shortly after the meeting with Hacker Ed.]
70 Whitehall, London SW1A 2AS
Memorandum
To: The Prime Minister
From: The Secretary of the Cabinet
I informed Mr. Hacker that there are certain items of confidential information which while they are in theory susceptible of innocent interpretation do nevertheless contain a sufficient element of ambiguity, so that, should they be presented in a less than generous manner to an uncharitable mind, they might be a source of considerable embarrassment, and even conceivably hazard, were they to impinge upon the deliberations of an office of more than usual sensitivity.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
Jeffrey Pearson explained that Humphrey was talking about security.
Security? I repeated, puzzled. What do you mean?
Secrets, he said.
I tried to conceal my impatience. Obviously I know what security means. But what did Humphrey mean? Exactly.
Im not allowed to know, said Jeffrey.
Why not? I asked.
Security, he replied.
I turned to Humphrey for clarification. For once, he obliged. He explained to me that, as in the Prime Ministers absence I was deputizing on party matters, he needed me to look at the Security file on the Chancellor of the Exchequer. He was not allowed to give me the whole file, but only to show me the relative items.
He then showed me some astonishing pieces of paper. Reports on Eric from the Security officers, from the Special Branch, an interview with his driver, and a confidential memo from the PM himself.
I really cant go into the details here. This information is dynamite, and if the wrong person were to get their hands on this cassette [Hacker always dictated his diaries into a cassette recorder Ed.] it would be disastrous for Eric. Suffice to say that Eric had never struck me as a sex maniac or dirty old man, and I simply cant imagine how a workaholic like him finds the time for everything that I read about today.
Sir Humphrey has an explanation. My experience is that people who are highly active in one area of life tend to be equally active in all the other areas.
I mean, to look at him you couldnt think that he went in for I was stuck for a sufficiently delicate phrase.
Sir Humphrey supplied it. I believe the current expression is horizontal jogging, Minister.
I pointed out that all of this horizontal jogging had happened a while ago, and none of it proved conclusively that Eric had breached security.
Humphrey readily agreed. Thats why the PM thought it all right for him to be Chancellor. But in view of the Yugoslav one and the South Africans not to mention the shady lady from Argentina and its thought that shes just a cover, by the way.
This was even more mind-boggling. A cover? What on earth for? If these ladies are a cover story, I cant imagine what his real requirements are.
Nor can Humphrey, apparently. But it is clear that Defence or the Foreign Office might be a little too delicate for such a minister. And if Eric became PM hed be head of the Security Services as well. I could see why old Humphrey was worried. It would be unthinkable.
So, I said, what youre saying is, its got to be Duncan.
Sir Humphrey hesitated. Then he reached across his desk for another Top Secret file. I was coming to that, he replied carefully. This is the Foreign Secretarys file.
Another staggering pile of paper! More from the Special Branch. And from the Fraud Squad, and the Inland Revenue. Secret auditors reports. Letters from the Bank of England Foreign Exchange Division.
It took longer to read and grasp the essentials of this file. I wondered if everything revealed in it could be technically legal.
Sir Humphrey nodded judiciously. Technically, maybe. But it certainly ruled him out of consideration for the Treasury.
I suddenly got a little paranoid. I wonder if there were reports like this on me in the Cabinet Office. [Definitely Ed.] Not that anyone could suspect me of this sort of impropriety. [This is almost certainly true. Hackers private life was fairly dull Ed.] I asked Humphrey how they found out so much about Duncans finances.
He evaded the question. Lets just say its all been gone into quite enough. Like the shady lady, I suppose.
I suppose that MI5 is behind all these investigations. Though Sir Humphreys line on MI5 is that it doesnt exist, We do not admit that it exists. But if it did exist, which of course it does not, its title would actually be DI5. Which, since it does not in any case exist, is never used.
I dont believe a word of that. Im sure MI5 exists. [Hacker was right. Sir Humphrey was giving Hacker the official disinformation, which is defised to try to confuse MI5 watchers Ed.]
I must admit that I was totally amazed by everything Id read about my colleagues Eric and Duncan. I turned to the Chief Whip. Isnt this amazing? I said.
He was now looking irritable as well as shiny. I dont know, he snapped. I havent seen it.
I apologised and turned back to Humphrey. Humphrey, I said, I dont want you to think me stupid
Perish the thought, Minister, he replied, a little slow on cue, I thought.
But, I went on, why is the Chief Whip here if hes not allowed to see these classified files?
Jeffrey gave me the answer himself. We, the Party, dare not risk these scandals coming to light -- if they are as embarrassing as you both seem to think. It could be a deep embarrassment to both the country and the Party if either of them were Head of Government. We dont want to be caught with our trousers down.